An Admission

I guess I am really a *cough* romantic *cough* at heart.

As much as I try to hide beneath (what I hope comes off as) a cautious, but not bitter shell, I know that deep down inside I really am a romantic.

The two associates and the paralegal at my job are in their late twenties or early thirties and I've listened from my desk while they gushed about the plot of the Twilight series. Friday, one of the associates gave me the first Twilight book to read. I'm almost halfway through it, and I'm thinking about canceling my Saturday night plans to finish it!

This Edward character is so charming. The relationship he has with Bella is full of the witty banter that was present between me and The Artist (the FIRST time around, and the beginning of the third.) I'm seriously wondering if this character was modeled after him... If the Artist were, in fact, a vampire it might explain a few things...

Anyway, the type of relationship they have, I miss that. I want someone to sweep me off of my feet. I want to get all giddy and excited by the thought of seeing someone. (Someone who actually follows through with the plans we make.) I am enjoying being single for a few reasons, but I still would like to have someone to like, and to spend time with, and to get to know.... Where is MY Edward?

IDK... But I'm going back to reading this book...

Random Thought

I'm fighting the urge to take a steak knife to one-half of the tires of a certain Mercedes truck... Really fighting...

But I'm too classy and I've got too great of a future to do something so dumb. Plus, I believe that you reap what you sow and I don't want to block my blessings by taking the vengeful way out.

Doesn't mean I still don't want to...

Going to repent now...

I'm Full of It

I was in a really bad mood for like an hour today. I was feeling moody about relationships, etc. (I think that's the result of about four months of concentrated horniness).

It pisses me off that people can just move the phuck on. Why can't I? I wish I could just resolve to be done with a dude, and leave it at that. Idk, but after wallowing in my bitterness for about an hour, I realized that I was pissed about being stood up by The Artist, so I decided to write an email to tell him about himself:

Hey [The Artist]

I saw that you contacted me the other day via gchat. I didn't feel like addressing you at that particular time because I felt really disrespected by the fact that we made tentative plans to see each other weeks in advance but when the projected date came and I called to confirm, you completely sent me off by not returning my phone call in a timely manner. Sending me a chat about something completely unrelated almost two weeks later with no apology or reference to the fact that you didn't return my call is just insulting.

I understand that you have other obligations, but it is very impolite to completely ignore the fact that I reached out to you. Even if you had replied via text or an email stating that your plans had changed, it would have been better than saying nothing at all.

Were this the first time this happened with you, I would not be addressing the issue. I understand that we are not together, nor am I under the impression that we are even working toward such a goal, but returning someone's efforts to communicate with you, regardless of how you feel about them, is common courtesy. It has been my desire to continue and possibly strengthen our friendship, but your actions have given me the impression that you do not want the same.

I'd be doing myself a disservice if I did not let you know that it's unacceptable to pop up by contacting me out of the blue and then disappear just as suddenly. It sends mixed signals and I'm left wondering how to proceed, not to mention, it's a huge waste of my time. So unless you tell me otherwise, I'm not reaching out to you anymore. If you feel that you can't correct this pattern that has unfortunately developed in the way you communicate with me, then I'd appreciate if you stopped contacting me altogether.

Take Care.

I sent this today at work around 2pm. I just went back to my email (it's about 8:15p) to copy and paste the letter for this post, and as I scrolled to the bottom, I saw that he had just responded. Guess what his response was?

"Ok."

Seriously? "Ok."? He didn't even bother to spell out the whole word! That just proves my point. The very reason I didn't want to email him in the first place. That response reeked of the very same unaffected, IDGAF attitude that he has been displaying for the past several months.

At first I was like... Okay... what? Does that mean, okay, I'll stop contacting you. Could it possibly mean okay, I get it; I f-ed up, I'll try to be considerate as we continue interacting with eachother in the future. Or did it mean Okay, this bitch is crazy and I'm gonna send this simple ass response because at least I'll be responding to her crazy ass and not blowing her off like I've intentionally been doing.

I instantly started to regret sending the email. Now, I'm glad I sent it. That response shows that he really must not give a phuck, and that I've wasted a huge amount of time on this fool. At least I know he received it. The way I'm going to take that ambiguous "ok" is this:

I don't even feel like dealing with this. You said you won't contact me anymore, and I'm very okay with that. I don't care enough to apologize or explain myself or do anything to keep you in my life. Besides, this is much easier than me having to tell you that I'm just not that into you, so it is what it is.



Anyway, it might take me a while to finally get the courage to tell someone to treat me right or phuck off, but once I make that decision, I'm pretty good at sticking to it. Especially if the person has agreed to stop contacting me as I asked. So, now, though I might remember how things USED to be, I'm positive that they won't be the same way ever again. I should finally be able to move on! (Ummmm... yeah.... not as easy as it sounds, especially since I'm still dealing with the occasional hurt and thoughts of someone who publicly humiliated me and ended up in a lasting relationship with my nemesis.... One day I'll learn to get over people!)

My final analysis of the amiguous "ok." is most likely right. What do you think? It'd be interesting to know have a few guys' perspective on this.

What do I call this one?

Don't feel like beating around the bush, so I'll just come right out and say that this post is about the Artist.

After standing me up weekend before last with no apology, no call, no admission that he disrespected me at all... After a week full of seeing him update facebook statuses about how bored he was and how he needed his time occupied...

I log on to Google Talk from my phone last night while in bed. I'm wierd. I treat Google Talk like Twitter, updating my statuses with the most random thought that pops in my mind. My statuses are usually about one of two things: the food I'm eating, just ate, or want to eat, or, a song lyric that's either stuck in my head or happens to describe my mood at that particular time. Occasionally, I read or hear a quote that at the moment seems SO profound to me that I need to post it right at that very moment, whether I'm actually logged into Google talk or not. So I'll login and post it, and then log right back off.

Around Tuesday of last week, after my burning anger at The Artist's disrespect simmered down to a dull glow of disappointment and self-righteous resolve, I changed his status to "Never Show" in my buddy list (for probably the 6th or 67h time since I've known him). Anyway, when I logged in on my Blackberry last night, to change my status message to "Anger without action leaves us bitter, NOT better". I hadn't even finished typing the status message when The Artist sends me a chat asking "Whos baby is that?" referring to a picture of my God daughter that I have displayed as my Google Talk icon.

I didn't know what to do. I contemplated snapping "Oh, you can chat me almost two weeks later but you can't return my phone call in a timely manner"? I contemplated telling him that it's none of his business who's baby that is is I'd appreciate it if he never contacted me again... I contemplated a lot in the 10 seconds it took for me to pick up the phone and dial my friend's number to ask for advice.

Her pep talk made the answer seem so simple: "Wait... Didn't you leave him a voicemail that day? Just sign off and ignore his ass like he did you". And that's exactly what I did. And I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

It's a small victory, but it made me feel good to get SOME kind of revenge for him blowing me off. I nixed the email idea, because I feel that it's kind of redundant to send a long drawn-out email telling someone that you don't like the way they're treating you and you're not going to be bothered with them anymore, especially when you can... just not be bothered with them anymore. It would be a waste, because, since this is the third time this fool has done this to me, it's apparent that he doesn't give a damn anyway. Those kind of emails are sent when you have plans for the person to continue to be in your life, and when you think that addressing the issues will cause them to change their behavior so that you can overcome your problems and strengthen your relationship. I don't believe this is possible withthe Artist. He's not the dude I fell for two years ago, at least not concerning me, so I didn't even want to waste my time.

So, anyway, I'll continue to ignore him, unless he happens to pick up the phone and make an effort to call. Even then, I'll need to be in a really good mood to answer the phone. But if I'm right about this fool's intentions, he'll probably not even bother trying to contact me again. He can crawl back under his rock.