Didn't Happen

For those of you who might have been wondering, the "massage session" with The Artist never happened. I should have known that it would turn out to be a bust when I didn't hear from him at all in the week preceding yesterday, even though he knew that he was supposed to return my phone call from the previous week when I called him during a practice for an event he was in last weekend at school.

Yesterday, I was really pissed! (Combine being drunk with being really horny for like the past MONTH with being stood up with no apology and no explaination for the 3rd time in a row!, and it's not a pretty picture.) I even called him yesterday around 1:00 p.m. (before I got pissed) and left a nice, short voice mail, saying "Hey, I'm just calling to confirm our appointment. Gimme a call when you get this message." This was around one p.m. No word from him the entire night, so I logged into a friend's Facebook account to check his profile (he and I never requested eachother as friends after a big Facebook fall-out two years or so ago.) His status still said the same thing it had said all week.

That didn't satisfy me. 30 minutes later I checked again... As though it would change in 30 mins, right? Well, it did. It said that he was still in the college town.

That made me even MORE angry. I've mentioned before that failure to communicate is one of my biggest pet peeves. I was pissed that he had the time to update facebook statuses and ish, but didn't have time to pick up the damn phone or return my phone call, even with a text, which would take all of30 seconds, tops!... It could be something simple! Due to the nature of our [non]-relationship, I don't need or even want any explanation of why he decided to cancel. I just think it's common courtesy to at least let me know that he was cancelling. Something like "hey, sorry, can't make it" would suffice! At least it wouldn't leave me wondering wth was going on!

(Grrrrr... After church I felt a little better about this, but now as I'm typing, I'm getting angrier and suppressing the urge to shoot him a very nasty text! I wanted to call and leave a voicemail, (because I feel like he's screening my number anyway, and would just send me to voicemail) but I feel like calling twice without receiving a call-back would look pretty darn desparate. Also, I've known his voice mail box to be full before, so it would be a total waste if he never heard the voicemail... That's why I'm thinking text... He can't ignore that. But now as I'm thinking about it, I have a little more to say than would fit in an 160-character text, so I think e-mail might be the best venue.

My neurotic mind was thinking that, having known me for two years, he would know that I might check his facebook status for a clue as to why he chose to pursue the route of being a rude bastard, and might have displayed that status that he was still in the college town, even thought it might not be true, to try to present a reason why he wasn't answering his phone... Then I realized that if this fool doesn't even care enough to cancel a meeting before it results in me being stood up, he probably couldn't care less whether or not I'm reading his facebook status.

I hate to admit this, but I am a facebook stalker. Only when it comes to this fool though. So I've been noticing, since the school year began, that a certain female has been showing up a lot in his tagged pictures in some pretty close poses. Not overly intimate like the poses that led me to believe the rumors that Dude and Her were sleeping together a while ago, but close enough to show that they've been spending quite a bit of time together. I also know he's a flirt and that previously it's been mistaken that he was "talking" to females who were just his friends. However, I feel like there's more to this situation than that. Right now, his profile picture is of him hugging her in a very playful manner. I wanted to see if the friend whose facebook profile I use to stalk is facebook friends with this chick, so I typed in her name. My friend isn't her facebook friend, but the chick's profile picture is the same profile picture he has up, of the two of them... Couple that with the overtly flirtatious wall posts consisting of inside jokes (strangely similar to those which he and I posted when he and I first started dating) and there's another reason to make me look at the pictures of he and this girl with the side-eye...hmmmmmmm... This afternoon after church, I checked again, and his status says that he wants someone to occupy his time... Of course this pissed me off even MORE. Not ONLY is this bastard sitting in the sleepy, empty college town (if that's the truth) but he's bored and he still isn't considerate enough to apologize for sending me off yesterday! That just shows that IMO, he really doesn't respect me or care about any friendship I thought that we possibly had!

I know from experience (though at the time I was the cause of this behavior, and not on the receiving end of it) that when The Artist is really into a female, he is pretty unattainable. He spends all of his time with the female and doesn't answer his phone, may not return phone calls... etc. It's like he doesn't need food, air or water to survive. His life seems to be sustained only by the attention he is giving to and receiving from the object of his affection. It's a great feeling if you're that girl, but if you're on the outside, say, a friend trying to get in contact with him, it absolutely sucks. I can recall a time back when The Artist and I first started talking when his roomates and a mutual friend tried to reach him all day because he had spent the night with me and did not let anyone know where he was going. He had been drinking and, when I woke up and went to work the next morning, he stayed in my bed asleep for 6 hours, and didn't wake up until I returned back to my apartment. He is also a heavy sleeper and has the ability to not hear the phone, even when people call him back to back. Even after he left my house that day, he still hadn't returned the phone calls of the people who were looking for him... His friend found out that he was okay because I told her.

So I'm thinking that this may be the case. He may be falling for this girl, and if it's not her, then SOME girl, and it could be why he makes these random appearances into my life, long enough to turn the most innocent of conversations into one full of overt sexual energy and witty banter, and then re-disappears from the face of the Earth.

And if that's the case, that's GREAT for him. After a conversation with a friend a couple weeks ago, I realized that I don't even necessarily want a relationship right now. I want someone who I can like a little, and be attracted to... If I'm in my moments of weakness and actually give in to having sex with the person, I'd like for it to be satisfying (very much unlike the last sexual experiences I've had with anyone OTHER than the Artist in the past two years.) The bottom line: I'm no longer in denial, thinking that this man is supposed to be my future husband, and that we can work through the issues of our past, and reconcile to have the best relationship ever. I'm realistic about the fact that he's probably just not that into me.

I think this is what angers me the most. Why send me mixed signals, then? And if he IS in a relationship, or seriously pursuing one, why would he press the issue of having sex with me? Is the standing me up his conscience kicking in about his intentions with the probable potential girlfriend, and any sexual desires to fulfill with me? If he's having sex with this girl, if it's something that serious, why won't he just say "I'm sorry, I'm involved with someone, and that's not something I want to do." I've solicited him for sex before while we were at school, and he told me that he already had plans that night (mind you, it was already 4 am when I approached him at the gathering we both attended, so any plans he might have had, were more than likely plans to go lay up with some girl) and I was perfectly okay with that! I was very happy that he was honest with me!

So I'm just not understanding this coward/bastard approach he's taking in this new route of sending me off... It's just plain rude. I can only think that he really is just not that into me... not even if it is just for sex, but that he thinks he's being nice by standing me up and not flat-out saying "I don't like you like that, and I don't even want to have sex with you anymore". IDK.

Sitting here writing has made me decide to email. He has a damn iPhone. Normal people don't buy stupidly expensive gadgets like that unless they're always going to be constantly playing with it. He'll get it. I'm going to try my hardest not to sound pissed. I've decided to bring up each incident that I've found to be disrespectful since I've graduated and no longer see him.

1. The birthday/s incident, in which I spent a considerable amount of effort and money (more than $50) calilng his roomate to find out if he would be in the College Town or in Chicago for his birthday, what day and time he'd be home, buying a gift and having it delivered to his house. After not ansering my phone call or texts the night before, he responded late in the day when it was delivered, and found out about the delivery (an Edible Arrangement), said "thanks, I'm gonna max" and didn't even pick up the phone to thank me more formally. He again continued not to answer my texts (an invitation to go out for drinks for his birthday) for the remainder of the weekend, and finally texted me that Sunday night saying he had returned to The College Town. I know I'm not his girlfriend or anything, but even if a friend (or someone I didn't even consider a friend, but more of an associate) had obviously taken the time to plan something special for my birthday, no matter how small/random it was, no matter whether or not I knew the price or the amount of thought or effort the person had put into it (weeks, in my case, b/c I didn't want to send something that'd seem too much like I was trying to be his girlfriend or something that couldn't be appreciated. I knew all his favorite fruits, which is why I settled for the Edible Arrangement with the cheerful message), I'd still pick up the phone to call and thank him or her. That was just so rude to me! And to add insult to injury, he didn't even send a call, text, e-mail, e-card, ANYTHING on my birthday, 5 days later. When I spoke to him later that week, (I can't remember who called who) he insisted that he'd lost his phone and had called me anonymously from a friend's phone to on my birthday to say Happy Birthday, but had not felt it important enough to leave a voicemail. Bastard. I don't recall an anonymous call, and he should have made sure that I got the probably fictitious birthday wishes.

2. Twice telling me over his Winter Break that he'd call me to set something up, and then not doing so and not apologizing, very much the same as this weekend.

I don't even expect a response. I actually anticipate him being a coward and not responding. I think that since the disrespect has gotten to this point, he probably doesn't give a damn about any kind of friendship we may have still had. However, I'll simmer and be pissed if I don't get this off my chest, so I'm going to draft this email now and then send it to him. I'll post it after I'm done writing it.

Work It Out

I'm on a mission 2 get my body right by the summer. I went and bought an XSport Fitness membership today, and worked out with a friend...

MAN! I saw some sexy ass dudes up in there.

Total motivation to keep coming.

Going to a Yoga class on Friday... A personal training session on Saturday.

I'm trying to do 3 times a week at least... Maybe I'll catch one of the gym cuties!

Slutbag Thoughts

Warning!

This next post is rated.... Hell, Just don't read this shyt if you're either prude or under 18...

Phuck the politically correct term "sexually frustrated"...

I am officially totally and completely beyond all shadow of a doubt horny...

And this little baby (who, within the past week, has moved from his hiding spot in a drawer in my closet to the underwear drawer right next to my bed) just hasn't been cutting it for me lately... I want passionate kisses, and ass-smacking. I need my breasts fondled and my nipples sucked. I want my weave pulled and I want to talk dirty... I want to grab his hair while his face is buried between my legs and I scream his name at the top of my lungs. I want to swallow his shyt whole while I glance up into his eyes and watch the pleasure make them roll to the back of his head. I want him to deeply moan my name while my face is buried in the pillow (to muffle my own moans) while he's beating my shyt up from behind... I want erotic stares while he encourages me to "get that nut, girl, get that nut.." Okay... This reminiscing is too much...

Forgive me for being a little graphic, but it's been about 3 mos. since I've had anything that remotely resembles good sex...

I know it contradicts with my (admittedly foolish and possibly delusional) "play-it-cool-act-like-I-don't-want-him-make-him-realize-we're-more-than-just-phenomenal-sex-to-each-other-and-make-him-fall-head-over-heels-for-me-like-he-was-two-years-ago-when-I-foolishly-wasn't-ready-to-be-with-him" long-term goals for our relationship, (not to mention, the entertaining of these thoughts contradict with my relationship with God... hey, I'm only human and He created me to be a VERY sexual young lady, and since I 've been trying to supress the wild beast, the hoebag in me is dying to get out!) but I made plans to get it in with The Artist when he comes home for Spring Break next weekend...

Well, actually, I made plans to receive a deep tissue massage from The Artist next weekend, but he and I both know where that's gonna end up, despite my efforts to remain coy and aloof concering the obviously sexual intentions we both have. Hell, a bomb-ass massage is how he ended up with his face between my legs the very FIRST time about two years ago...

In my defense, though, my neck and shoulders have been a little achy, and I really DO want a deep-tissue massage... The happy ending is just a bonus! :-)

I've been thinking about it all day and all night since the plans were made on Google Talk Monday while I was at work... And, quite frankly... I can't wait!

According to a poetess who's poem I'll link later when I finish the post about the topic to which it's most relevant:

The ride is like a drug;
We don't care about the long-term effects...
We just care how high we can get while we're on it...

And I'm going through some serious withdrawal right about now.... I need a fix of that good-good... That sticky-icky that I feel I can only get from The Artist, as any and everyone else would be a colossal waste of time!

It's too bad that I still have feelings for him... I'm trying my darndest not to allow these feelings to ruin the chances of this experience being the mind-blowing phuckfest I've come to expect when we reunite after not having seen each other for months....

Phuck! I'm so damn horny... I Can't WAIT until next Saturday!

(And I swear if this motherfucker stands me up like he did around Christmas (which is why I stopped talking to his ass for the last few months) I'm gonna phuck his shyt up... I have a CAR now... I'm not above stalking his ass over some good ass dick... From experience, he should know by now that I have no problem just taking his shyt when he's being less than cooperative... He'll phuck around and return to his apartment in The College Town after break only to be snatched into a cute little gray Altima, ravished, and have his lifeless body thrown into the street! I'm not playing!)

Till next weekend, I'm hoping these vibrators aren't really as loud as they seem to me...

Priceless

1. Not waiting for the bus on Crackhead Alley at night when I get off the train after work.

2. Attending parties/gathering/ANYTHING in the suburbs and coming home to my own comfy bed afterward.

3. Going grocery shopping without anyone else!

4. Hanging out with my god daughter without worrying about her mother's schedule.

5. Attending Bible Study on Thursday nights!

6. Getting fast food in the freezing cold.

7. Getting something to eat that is farther than a 2 block radius when the restaurant does not deliver!

8. Not having to worry about these random dudes knowing exactly where I live when I go on first dates!

9. Responding to booty calls, getting up, and LEAVING afterward! (If I had any booty actually calling me....)

10. Not having to be on anyone else's schedule to do the things I want/need to do!

Though these may seem very small, they mean the world to me. For the duration of my life, I couldn't do any of these things, and it's made me feel small, immature, and incomplete. It's a horrible feeling to be working toward becoming a mature adult, while feeling like a totally dependent burden on my friends and family members. I've missed out on so many things I've wanted to do because I didn't want to burden my loved ones by asking to be included. No more of that!



Look at my baby! Isn't she a cutie pie! I've wanted an Altima since they first changed the body style in 2003. She's a 2005 with all of the amenities I said that my car MUST have (4 doors, Cruise control, power windows and door locks, and keyless entry... again, these seem trivial, but so many cars I've looked at before I bought her were missing at least one of these!)

I'm paying for her myself; I bought her myself with no help from anybody! This is such a confidence boost for me!

It's been a LONG time coming. I'm learning how to drive at the age of 23, because, though I've had my license since 18, the members of my family don't seem to trust one another with the usage of their cars, and because my mother doesn't feel the need to... oh, I don't know... Be a mother, so the only times she's referred to buying or helping me buy a car were during arguments or when she thought she had something to hold over my head. From her smart ass comments, I can tell that she's bitter that I did this myself and I did it completely and totally without her help.

I'm teaching myself to drive and I just can't escape this feeling of ultimate FREEDOM. I have such a sense of pride because this is ALL MINE and I thank God for blessing me with one of the major goals I wanted to accomplish during this year off before law school!

Now... To learn to park between cars parallel to the curb.....

Interesting Weekend

Hello, Blogworld!

Have any of you heard of Arenda Troutman? She was recently booted out of her position as an Alderman over a ward on the South Side of Chicago after being suspected of taking bribes...

Of course it's no secret that the Illinois political arena has been the home of much corruption as of late; why is this woman so special that I had to feature her in my Sunday evening blog post... So what?

Well, the what that I'm interested in is this Alderman's sexual/romantic relationship with a local druglord, who openly admits to governing the sale of cocaine, heroine, marijuana, etc, and to being responsible for a lot of violent crime and gang activity...

Why does this interest me?

I believe that you are supposed to align yourself with people who have the same type of goals as you. This woman worked her way up to a position that made her a potentially influential leader in the Black community, but she continued to associate with a man who made a living by doing things that are completely detrimental to the same community. There's a huge conflict of interests in a relationship like that and this may be why she got caught up in drama and lost her job.

So, why is this Alderman's story relevant to my life?

I noticed that I hadn't seen Dude around since we graduated last May. (I only thought this a little strange, as we both live off the same big street but its just about 30 blocks away on the otehr side of town, which I never really frequent) Every Sunday though, I take the bus into his neighborhood to go to church, and, not that I've been looking for him, but I haven't seen or heard anything about him... Not that I was thirsty for info. (I'm kinda okay that he disappeared from the face of the Earth)... I'm just sayin.

Saturday afternoon phone conversation with a friend.

I called her to share some good news (which I'll happily blog about after everything is finalized tomorrow night). After I share, she asks me what I'm doing that night...

Me: Bout to go to the mall with {The Ex-Bff}... (I'll blog about that later as well). You?

Her: This boy we went to high school with is having a party at his apt. But I'm also thinking about going Bowling... It's supposed to be a lot of people up there from {The Alma Mater}

Me: Oh, really? Why?

Her: It's {Dude}'s coming home party.

Me: Coming home party? Where he been, Iraq?

Her: Okay... So this is supposed to be a secret, so don't tell NOBODY. I just found out but I thought, wait 'til I tell Experience. Cuz I know you gon' laugh

Me: Okay...

Her: Girl he been in jail since right after we graduated! He just got home 2 days ago!!

I'm sorry, but when I heard this I CRACKED UP. God has blessed me so much, to find a great job in my field, and to have a great future. Not saying that Dude doesn't have a great future but, jail is the LAST place I would ever be after graduating from a University... Something like this is a direct conflict to the things I want to do with my life. Activities which could, even in the most remote way, ever land me in jail are a direct hindrance to my career as an attorney! And I'm not doing any activities that could stand in the way of my destiny!

My pastor always says that Eagles don't fly with pidgeons... The places where one typically finds Eagles, pidgeons don't even exist, because they're not equipped to get there.... Eagles are just created to be magnificent birds, and to live magnificent lives soaring above most of the other creatures in the world.

When my friend first told me the news about Dude, I laughed, and I made jokes about his "down @$$ b!tch" having to put money on the books so he could trade for Sprites and chips...

It was just funny to me, b/c there was a time in my life when I wanted to prove that I would be the down chick... I was attracted to his street mentality. Before him, I dated a guy who was a prominent dope boy in my neighborhood. I knew that Dude robbed people and sold drugs. I was there when he did transactions. I knew that he was a typical street nigga, though I didn't understand why he felt the need to carry this life into college, a place where I feel he should have been trying to get an education and leaving all that mess behind. The need to show off by buying all these flashy expensive things, the need to appear tough, the false bravado that men portray and the attraction to the materialistic things that attract simple-minded women motivated his love of money to the point where, I guess, he resorted to street life to keep it up. 3 years ago I would have waited patiently for him to get out of jail. I would have focused my life around waiting to see him again...

Then I realized something...

Now, there's no way you could get me to wait for some fool in jail!

Hell, I'm not feelin this one dude who's trying 2 be in my face b/c he owes thousands of dollars in tickets and as a result, has had his license revoked. Seriously? Thousands of dollars in tickets are preventing him from being able to drive, something NECESSARY because he doesn't even live in the city, where you can get anywhere on public transportation, but out in the suburbs, 30 minutes away. Yet, he has a full-time job? I think that's so irresponsible. It's one thing to mess up your credit, b/c theorhetically, you don't use or see that everyday. But I've lived without a car forever, and I know it's much worse for men to not have one... He couldn't even take me out on a date if he wanted!

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post...

After laughing a little a huge WAVE of relief washed over me... Over the past couple of weeks, I had my bad moments where I thought about Dude, not because I wanted him, but just because I was hurt that the situation ended with me being hurt... I realized that I'm not quite to the point where I can wish him 100% the best... Hell, I was kinda happy that he had been punished... You truly reap what you sow, and I believe this little incarceration situation is only the beginning...

However, the news my friend told me made me soon begin praising God... God took dude out of my life for a reason. He know where I'm headed, and He knew that Dude's life of crime and money-chasing was just not for me... It doesn't fit with what I'm trying to do. It's a total conflict of interests, and I'd be totally irresponsible, let alone, I'd look like a fool if I associated with anyone who lives such a lifestyle...

Things that make you go "hmmmmm" on a Saturday afternoon....