It Now Has A Name

I've coined a phrase for the selfish feelings and desire to have my own personal space on Fridays after work... Friday Night Me-Time. After giving so much of myself all week at work, coming in when I'm sick because of my work responsibilities, controlling my temper when I encounter totally rude people on the way to the office, in the office, and on the way back from the office, and being pulled in 8 different directions by my 8 different bosses (work that I love, despite its demanding qualities) I am flat-out pooped.

When 5pm hits on Fridays, I'm running from the office. I will not let anyone or anything stand between me and my warm room and comfy bed. I've been called selfish, but I realized that this is always by people who don't recognize the fact that sometimes women need to take time alone for their own mental health. Women who continually give and give and give and try to please so many different people often end up so unhappy, because they never take the time to just BREATHE. So that's what Friday Night Me-Time is all about.

I come home.
I let doggie out.
I take off my clothes.
I turn on the computer, check emails, check my addicting weave website.
I VEG OUT!

I might draw a hot bath and sit there for hours. I might just lay naked on my bed and process things. I might login to Blogger and dump everything that's been weighing heavy on my mind... (Like last night.)

I do nothing that is requested by anyone else. I do not lift a FINGER unless I want to. I enjoy the fact that at that particular moment, I don't have any career demands, family demands, relationship demands. I might not even LOOK at my phone. Everything I do during Friday Night Me-Time is all about me.

There are occasions that I might do things on Friday nights that involve other people... This is usually something I've planned or something that's been asked weeks in advance so that I can prepare myself for it.

My friends have even learned to preface invites with "I know how you feel about Your Fridays". lol.

They're damn right!

What happens to a dream deferred?

Soooo, I forgot to write about the dream I had that involved Dude.

I don't really remember the intricate details, but it involved us riding around in his car and being cool!

That's why it was so disturbing. It was present-tense, but it was warm outside, so maybe during the spring or something?

We were at the alma mater for some kind of important weekend, so there were a lot of people there, the way the campus was during homecoming and other such weekends.

SHE wasn't anywhere in the dream though... But my subconscious understood that they were still together.

It disturbed me that we were hanging out alone, because of the way things are. It disturbed me because it was so far from the way things actually are. I dont know why I ended up in his car. I remember wondering where SHE was but not feeling guilty or anything, because it didn't seem like that. It seemed like we were friends. Like we knew there was a history, and still cared about eachother, but accepted things for what they were and didn't hate eachother.

The most disturbing part of the dream (the part which actually woke me from my sleep) took place after we rode to campus in his car. We parked, got out and were laughing and playing around (the way he and I used to when things were good.) Then, he swung me around and put me on his back, and started walkin up the steps of one of the buildings on the quad with me riding piggy back

Idk why this disturbed me so much. Probably because, after everything went down, I couldn't stand for him to even SPEAK to me, let alone TOUCH me! But the dream me felt a strange joy at being carried on his back. The contradiction between my subconscious and my conscious mind really threw me off and shook me from my sleep.

I dont know what that dream meant. I believe that God can speak to you through dreams, but I'm unsure if that was one of those dreams. I just chalked it up to eating right before sleep...

Gotta stop doin that!

Happy Saturday!

Sure, I could recognize this day for its commercial value, but I could really care less. Calling this "Valentine's Day" really doesn't positively affect me at all.

The ex bff never came by. She said she was running late. W/e.

I thought about the Artist. A stupid (incredibly stupid) part of me is waiting on him to call or text to say happy Valentine's day... I know better though... I don't expect him to crawl out from under his rock. That's too much like right.

So I'm going to dinner at a moderately expensive seafood restaurant downtown with a group of friends. We're gonna get dressed up and look cute! I'm a little excited b/c I've been craving really good seafood.

Idk why dresses are made with zippers in the back, but I might have to ask my grandma to help me get dressed tonight...

Afterward, we're hitting a couple clubs.

Mentally, emotionally, I'm okay. I'm kinda tired, after a stressful work week, and kinda happy that being in some man's face isn't that big of a deal to me today. I'm just going to enjoy a nice, Saturday night out with friends, monitor my alcohol consumption, and live my life! I know the man-bashing may start at the table, but if the shrimp's good enough, I just may not participate!

We shall see!

There is life after Valentine's Trauma, ladies... It's possible to be single and content on Valentines Day! I sure am. For now...

F--- You, Pay Me

In my past, It's been said that I'm dramatic... That I'm a shyt starter. In analyzing my present, I kinda disagree. I think I'm very anti-drama. I believe that many situations that have blown out of proportion has done so because the OTHER person has issues; not me... (Though I have had my irrational moments...)

Anyway, I know that right now (and beginning sometime around ehhh, May or so), I totally do not have the patience to argue with people. Like maybe I'll engage in witty banter, or jokingly argue about insignificant things... But if it comes to something that really makes a difference in my life, I'm not going to argue.

I don't know if it's indicative of my ever-increasing maturity, or whatever, but I just feel like, if I disagree with someone about something really important, and if I'd have to go back and forth to try to get them to see things my way, I no longer care if they agree. I just won't argue with them... It's a total waste of time to me, especially when I know I'm dealing with a closed-minded individual who just REFUSES to understand my perspective anyway, and more than likely IS being dramatic and irrational, trying to get a rise out of me while looking incredibly foolish because they're the ones who are doing too much.

I see how the attorneys I work for bill at between $250 and $500 an hour. I thought this was a bit much until I analyzed it. They feel that they do valuable work and should charge accordingly. So if a client calls and they spend an hour on the phone going back and forth with the client because that client refuses to take their word as gold and let them do the job they've hired us for, then the client will just waste valuable time; and time is money.

This is the perspective I've adopted into my own life... I don't argue with anyone. I let them talk crazy, work themselves up into a tizzy, and I bow out gracefully. I've found that this pisses them off more than if I had responded. I look at it this way: though I'm not yet a successful, millionaire attorney (and though I haven't even decided which law school I'm going to attend to GET me to that point) I still consider my beliefs, opinions, and ideas of high value. I choose to exhibit patience when the other person is being irrational and just wants to pick a fight or blow off some steam. I've pissed more than a couple of people off in the past year by telling them "Argue with yourself". Because seriously, time is money, and in my mind, you REALLY can't afford the effort I would have to exert to pretend that I care about the hissy fit you're going to throw when I completely dismiss you...

Now, if you're willing to pay me a substantial hourly rate to watch and listen to you make a fool of yourself, be my guest. I take cash and PayPal. I don't trust enough to accept personal checks.

Now to keep this in mind when I have my meeting with the ex-bff tomorrow afternoon at 3:30... I'll let you guys know if she's still lying...

Check her out...

Maybe all single women want this out of life. Anyway, this chick is so pretty! Her hair is absolutely beautiful I love her spoken word:

I think a lot about how much I'd do for my special THE ONE. I've done some of these things in the past, but I feel like I wasted it. I can't wait until I meet someone who makes me feel like this:




I like this Pretty Girl video too. This is kinda why I want a breast reduction. I need people to take me seriously, b/c too much for my liking, do people refuse to do so....

Sigh... It's Sunday

I hate Sundays b/c I get sad that the weekend is over and I have to return to work early the next morning...

I'm getting back a better amount than I expected from my taxes, that's exciting. I'm putting it on my car purchase.

Was so excited to see my new baby godson and my old family at the hospital...
Friend's not answering texts... I'm sure she's exhausted after 31 hours of labor!

My date was cancelled yesterday. He said he had to go get his mother who's car broke down in a suburb.

I'm not tripping. Though I really did wanna see Slumdog Millionaire and I really did want some Pappadeaux's... But the date itself, could have been anybody...

Sat in the house watching The Secret Life of Bees with a friend and her 10-yr-old daughter.

Woke up today and went to church, where I fell asleep for the first time in years. It was colder, but the sun was still bright.

On the bus ride home, I chuckled to myself b/c the couple behind me were arguing over whether this is my "real" hair... And the female was hating VERY hard..
Yes... It is real hair... Real human Indian hair... But that's not quite either of your business, is it? I'm glad it looks good enough to create such stimulating conversation over whether or not it's growing out of my scalp! Thank you for the attention... Have a wonderful rest of your Sunday!

Got home... Turned off my ringer... Went to sleep... Woke up... And that's where I am now... Waiting for my food to be delivered (could have walked 2 blocks to get it, but it's dark and chilly now.) They are now a half hour past the promised delivery time and halfway to being cursed out. My phone better ring in 2 minutes.

Gonna try to gain the energy to fold clothes and do a little laundry... Then I'll turn in sometime around 10pm hopefully.

So that was my weekend... How was yours?

Why Am I Awake This Early?

Because a friend I once (and still do) considered a sister is going into labor. There are 3 godmothers, and one is on her way to from the suburbs to get the other 2 of us. (She's the only one with a car, but hopefully in a few weeks, I'll have one too! )The other called and woke me at 7am. So now I'm getting dressed to go see the new baby!

How exciting!


This is my new godson about an hour after his birth. 8lbs, 4oz. He's so CUTE! Even with all the goo and crust still on him! (Newborn babies are NOT the cutest thinigs in the world! I'm pleasantly surprised!)

What's even MORE exciting is that it's gonna be in the 50s today! Warm weather just lifts my whole spirit! I'm so excited to be able to go outside and not freeze 2 death or wear 3 layers of clothes!

I have a date tonight. When we talked after I got off work, we made plans to eat at Pappadeaux's and then go see Slumdog Millionaire. That's all I wanted to see. I mean Benjamin Button was out but he didn't sound excited when I mentioned it. And of course I wanna go see He's Just Not That Into You. But that's a movie you see with your chicks, not a date.

So maybe the girls and I will go see that for our Anti-Valentines day date next week.

Oh well, lemme go get dressed... Baby Brendan has been on his way for several hours, and if I hurry, maybe I can catch some of the gushy bloody stuff...

(I'm so wierd)

ETA: Pics of my new Godson!

Thanx 4 Nothin'

I had a dream about Dude (the "ex") the other night. I had every intention to write about that dream tonight (b/c it disturbed the SHYT out of me!) but It's gonna have to wait until tomorrow b/c I've gotten almost to the end of this post and realized that I've turned it into a completely differnt post than that which I originally intended. Sorry about the following rant. (But not TOO sorry b/c at least one more is forthcoming.)

I've been thinking about him more than normal in the past week or so. I was reading another chick's blog, and realized that I never got real closure. I know it's kind of my fault, too. The opportunity was presented but I did not take it because I knew I was weak, I knew I loved him, and I had already wasted 3 years being fooled by him...

I didn't want to see him face to face b/c I didn't want to allow myself to be sucked back into thinking for a second that if I stuck around, he'd eventually love me and want to commit to me. I HAD to cease all communication, but it kinda sucks because I still have so many unanswered questions, so many "what if?"s, so many things that I wish I could say to him now that I am 2 years removed from the situation and have no desire whatsoever to be with him romantically.

I've wondered if I'd even want to be his friend. I mean, I loved him with everything I had, so of course I still care about him somewhat. I know that I'm not yet completely mature enough to wish him well, because I still carry some bitterness and resentment about what happened and the way it happened. I still feel hurt and betrayed and I still believe that I deserve a genuine apology...

Its sucky though, because I don't think I'll ever get one. I was told by a friend that I need to just find closure within myself. I sought counseling for about a year (total) for this situation, and the sad part is that I'm still not over it. I'm over him, but I'm not over the fact that he moved on so quickly as though I meant nothing. I'm not quite over the fact that I sacrificed my freshman through Junior year of college trying to be the perfect girl for him, the one who would tame the wild beast, and I'm not over the fact that it failed. I'm not over the fact that She moved right in, took him away from me, and still has him with all her little stupid cutesy facebook pics with him and status messages about him. UGH! It's so sickening.

Carla (the therapist who helped me with this issue the most my Senior year, told me that I'd have some bad days, but not to beat myself up about him so much... I've been having a bad past week, or so. I think my period made me more emotionally sensitive. I also attribute it to tryning to incorporate secular music back into rotation on my Ipod (I'd been only listening to gospel for a while). When I listen to secular music, the songs about relationships make me thing of one of two people, and the sucky thing is that even if I settle for entertaining thoughts about The Artist, thoughts of Dude still surface b/c I blame the failed relationship between The Artist and I on flat-out bad timing. I was in so much pain I couldn't be what the Artist wanted me to be. I couldn't free myself to fall in love with The Artist, as it seemed he was willing to do with me back then, b/c I was still in love with Dude.

It seems pathetic to still think about Dude's effect on my relationship with The Artist two years later, but I have really strong feelings for the Artist still, even though we don't speak. Like, at all. He texted me on NYE, but I blew him off because he had stood me up twice over Christmas break. I decided that he didn't need to come into my 2009; not treating me insignificantly.

This is the closest thing I got to closure. A facebook message I sent Dude almost exactly two years ago, when I saw intimate pictures of Dude and Her at a ball. The body language of the pictures confirmed the rumors that everyone had been saying (and I had been denying) about him sleeping with her. I can still vividly remember us hanging out, just talking about RANDOM stuff, a couple months prior to the day I found out about them, February 15th, 2007. I had seen the pics the day before, called him and got him to admit that he had been sleeping with her... Then I cried myself to sleep and turned my phone off completely because he would not stop calling and textng me, and I was in so much pain that I just couldn't even be bothered to talk to him. I had JUST told a friend at the time that I loved him so much that I was willing to wait on him, I didn't care about the other girls, as long as he didn't treat me any differently. But THIS girl... this was something else. She was the last straw. I thank God that it was THIS girl, cuz were it not she, I'd probably still be his foolish little loyal puppy dog.

This is the facebook message he sent me the next day:

Ay sweetheart. I'd like to talk to you in person. When can we make that happen? Jus me and you and no fussin and fightin.

To which I replied:


You are right about one thing. There's no need for fussing and fighting... It just won't happen anymore for several reasons.

It's not a good idea that we talk in person. There's nothing left to talk about. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions have already told me substantially more than any words you could ever say. I'm glad that you are so happy with your life. Now it's time for me to finally be happy in mine. The only way for me to do that is to remove you from my life.

I am positive that we cannot be friends for several reasons. You have already shown me that you have little respect for me as a person and no regard for my feelings. I don't know what your idea of friendship is, but it is not just telling someone that they can call you when they need something, among other things which don't even need to be mentioned at this point. You have already shown me on several occasions that there are quite a few things AND people that are just more important to you than I am. I'm tired of being second, third, and tenth place in your life. I wanted to be the woman that would be by your side, live up to your impossible demands, and hopefully get what I really desired in the end, which was all of you. However, trying to make you happy and keep things cool only made me miserable.

Thank you for finally telling me the truth about something that I have suspected for so long. I was never strong enough to say goodbye each time we talked but now I have found my strength, and I realized that I don't want you the way that you are now; neither as a friend or anything extra.

This is why we cannot talk in person. I can't let you back in, and I'm much stronger when I don't have to be near you.

I don't know how I will act when I see you, but please don't expect much. I also hope that you can see that I am saying these things to you because of all the hurt I have received as a result of this unnecessarily long situation; not because it's just something I do when I stop talking to someone, as you have said before. It may take you years to realize all the things you did to hurt me, but I'm no longer wasting my breath. Have a good life, Dude. I do love you, but I am finally beginning to love myself more. I don't wish anything bad upon you and I hope that you achieve everything you want in life. Be blessed.

His response:

I was thinking the same thing. And I can live with that. And I won't expect much when I see you. I did tell you that you are important to me though. I wanted you to relize that I never decieved you though. I not going to point blame at anyone. You had your rights and wrongs in the situation as did I. I can take responsibilty and I just wanted you to do the same. And my demands were not demands and what I wanted from you was not impossible. Cuz now your doing it. Maybe I should have made things more clear to you.

I wanted you to love yourself more than anything or anyone first. In fact, if you can recall I did tell you that. It's just that I saw you were never doing that until now. And hopefully you are actually doing that and not just saying that. I never told you but I do actually LOVE and have LOVE for you, but not at the exspense of my own integrity or overall personal well-being. If I see you. to make things easier I'll just act as if I don't know you. It's just best that way. If you ever do speak I will speak back and leave it at that. And through all this like I said I'll catch if you fall if you really needed me. But other wise yeah we can continue on both of our separate roads.

I do respect your personal feelings and you. As far as my actions are concerned it's obvious that you seem to forget that it was a two way street. A friend with benefits is more than sex, and "the understanding". I was trying to be your friend first. In church this past sunday I was told to let you go, so I will. I had been doin some thinkin lately and I won't slander your name or dawg out. If someone asks about you I won't comment or I'll say nothing but good things. And you should think with all the stuff that we have went through and I never dropped you that it's obvious that I respected and loved you.

Yes, I could have showed it sooner. It takes some longer than others to come around. By the time I began to come around it was to late. And saw it and I already moved on. I'm not going to apologize for telling the truth nor do I expect an apology. I wish I didn't make you so sad and I wish that you didn't bring drama to certain aspects of my life. I honestly pray that you have a blessed life also. Good bye.
-good friend know that through everything I'm just being a young real nigga right now and you are loved (real talk). At least know that and understand that if you don't with anything else. Bye

And another:

oh and I do know dude. We just not everyday acquaintance's. I see him from time to time. (We can end on at least a smile yes, I spelled acquaintance right.Lol) Bye **... One again luv ya... I should let you know sooner, but you right this is best for both of us.

(He was talking about The Artist. When I asked him if he was sleeping with Her, he tried to avoid answering by saying "I don't ask who you're sleeping with" and then tried to call my bluff thinking I wouldn't tell hm. But I told him because I was stupid and always honest with him... I believe this was to my detriment. Or should I say the detriment of the "relationship" that he and I had... Guys can dish it but they sure can't take it. I've learned that honesty is NOT the best policy. And I can't wait until this bitterness is gone so that I can stop believing that statement.)

Again with the tears... I just don't get it. I just don't get it. Ugh. I just want him gone... Like out of my brainspace. I feel there HAS to be some other way I could have learned to never put my desire to be with any man before myself... I don't know why it had to hurt this bad!

What a WACK ass message. I seriously feel like Mariah Carey's song "Thanx 4 Nothing" when it comes to Dude...

I think that what makes me the most sad, is that I put so much energy into it. I didn't want to let it go. I just wanted him to change. To somehow stop being a bastard and love me because he realized how much I loved him.

He knew I loved him and that shit he wrote, was just SHIT. Like seriously, I don't understand how someone can say they loved you , and still continue to knowingly make your life miserable. It really pissed me off that he said that. I'd waited since my Freshman year to hear him say he loved me back. I became so bitter and so afraid of the feelings I had for him that I just vowed never to tell him that I loved him, b/c he never said it back.

I remember one argument we had shortly after the Artist and I started dating. Dude called b/c he was in my apt. bldg (his friend lived across the hall) and asked if he could see me. He was completely shocked when I replied "Sure, you can come by for a lil bit". The last 4 word got his panties all in a bunch, b/c he was used to me totally stopping anything I had planned to jump if he told me to. He started punching walls, slamming doors (he had run out of my apt. and went in the hallway and started throwing a temper tantrum). Then he called me when he "calmed down" asking me "Do you wanna know how I feel about you? I'll tell you how I feel about you!"

I felt this could have been the time for him to finally say that he loved me. But he wasn't coming out to say it. He wanted me to pry it out of him. And I, for once, felt in control. I had the upper hand. So I refused to ask. It made me feel good to not do what he expected me to do. I felt great that I had a date. I felt great that he knew another guy was coming over late at night, and that I had placed time limits on HIM so that I could be with this other guy. I felt great that I was fresh out the shower, flat-ironing my hair, looking, smelling good, half-naked in some sexy itty bitty p.j.s and that this wasn't even done for Dude. At this point, I wasn't even having sex with The Artist yet (though the dome was off the CHAIN!) , and I felt GREAT that Dude was going crazy over the thought that I possibly could be doing so. (Though, I think I was so emotionally spent that night, that the Artist and I slept together for the first time. I know I was f-ed up in the head. And I know that's not a good reason to sleep with anyone. But I was developing feelings for the Artist, and that night (and every night we spent together) was really great, because he held me and gave me the affection I was missing from Dude.

But most importantly, my spirit told me that it was time to let Dude go. I knew that if I had allowed him to tell me that he loves me, that would have opened a can of worms. I would have wanted to talk about things, I would have probably canceled my date with The Artist and dug myself into an even deeper hole. So I'm glad I never heard those words come from his mouth.

I think this is why it pissed me off so much to read them in his closing argument. Even what he said to me just sounded like bullshit. I felt like he threw in the "I love you"s at the end to make himself feel better for being a lying bastard. The words I had longed to hear for almost 3 years made me HATE him because I felt he was taunting me, appeasing me, patronizing me with them. And I think the result of that hate is the bitterness and anger I still feel. I think this is why I want a real apology.

I used to hate Her, too. I hated her so much that I jumped on her and tried to choke the life out of her my sophomore year of college at a Halloween party thrown by a Mexican fraternity. I know that the dealings between she and I are the main reason that he felt as though I brought so much "drama" to his life. I couldn't understand why She kept popping up. She'd disappear for a while, but every so often, she'd pop the f-back up, taking him to Six Flags and bragging about it on his fb wall, texting him, sending him fb messages, (yes... I'm a stalker if you're not giving me the info I desire. I had his fb password for several months before he found out) hanging out in his room (which I found out about later, of course), and just not going away like the other girls. She was perpetually there. The mosquito in my ear. The ellusive fruit fly in the kitchen that you just can't catch. And her presence, coupled with the fact that he still ALLOWED her presence made me so damn insecure that I lost my sense of self.

I hated the way she made me feel about myself. I hated to see her on campus because she was a constant reminder that I hated her too-big gums and her too-small teeth. I hated the body that he had described as "unshapely" only a few months prior to sleeping with her (hell, who knows. He probably was sleeping with her when he randomly announced the following random bullshyt: "You don't have to worry about me and ____ anymore. I'm not attracted to her and her body is so unshapely". I think we weren't even talking about anyhing remotely related to her. That should have been my sign right then... That She was on Dude's brain.

lived in fear of seeing them together. I broke down in tears one day waiting on the bus stop for class b/c I saw him driving her car. I hated her almost completely through my Senior year of college. I got a strange feeling that when I applied for the graduation committee the both of them would be members. I was half right. It was her. Thank God he wasn't there as well. I probably would have quit on the spot.

It's bad enough that every Monday night I drove myself crazy looking at her and mentally analyzing if she was prettier than me. I would stare at her and wonder Is she better in bed? Who's she texting, him? Hmm. My hair's longer than hers, and she got that nappy shyt. They gon have the ugliest, short, nappiest headed babies ever. Does she cook for him. She's so damn dumb, why is she over there trying to sound smart? All the while trying to hide my resentment for her by never looking in her eyes (as though she could read my mind and know that I was trying to figure out how I could get away with murdering her and getting into law school.) She'd sit on one side of the room, and I'd sit on the other. But I noticed something. She was going out of her way to be friendly to me. Like when I made suggestions, she would make sure to chime in as though it was the most brilliant thing anyone had ever said. But it was always indirect, as though commenting on a movie, or a book, the work of someone who was not there to hear it. And as much as I avoided eye contact with her, she just started popping up everywhere! I'd see her in buildings between classes, walking across the Quad, in the Union... And I'd continue to avoid eye contact.

One night I received a random ass email:

Hey _______! I was wondering if you are still on facebook. I created an event for BCC Info Night and I couldn't find ____, _____, or you (____ informed me yesterday that he quit facebook lol). I wanted to make all of the committee members "admins" so that you all could add people to the "invitee list" that were not previously sent an invitation. If you are still on, may you please add me to your friend list so that I can make you an admin to the event. If this does not impose any inconvenience, I would surely appreciate it!

Thanks a lot!

Side Note ***Now that we are working together on the graduation committee, I hope that we can FINALLY be able to burry the hatchet, disregarding any drama that has come between us. Since I am not the type to allow others in my personal affairs, I opted not to mention this to you at any meetings. I understand this is random, but as two adults, two GRADUATING seniors, I just feel that its time to do away with any negativity. I saw you twice today and realized that although we are now working on the same project, we have never spoken to one another. I'm not proposing that we "pretend" to be best friends or anything, but at least be comfortable to comply with being cordial like the two classy women that we are! I sincerely apologize for anything that I may have said or done that may have bothered you or affected you in anyway. I really do. If you choose not to accept my apology, I can deal, but its better that I speak on this now, before I never got another chance to do so. This is lengthy, just know this can stay between us. I pray that what happened in the past can be put to rest... Let's enjoy the rest of our last year and PARTY IN PEACE!!!

Have a great day and God Bless!!

I didn't really know what to do. I responded just to the facebook part of the email. I don't know why. I let her know that I received her email, by responding to the business aspect of it, but I ignored the personal. I added her as a facebook friend. And I began to make direct contact with her in meetings, etc. I still felt a little shaky and uncomfortable, but it was nothing like it had been. I even didn't feel at ease talking about her and dogging her out in the way that had previously come so naturally. (I still let a few insults slip in close company though, but usually only if she said something really damn dumb at a meeting)

At first, I really DIDN'T tell anyone about the email, b/c I needed to think about it. But I realized that she did sound sincere in her apology. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt like I wasn't crazy, after all. I felt like at least someone had the decency to admit they had done something wrong. Even though she didn't detail exactly what it is that she did to hurt me, (I didn't need a recap, anyway) it made me feel SO much better. I had achieved partial closure. I didn't hate HER anymore!

After that, though I still hated the fact that he was still with her, and that she was reaping the benefits of everything I had worked so hard for, I no longer had such heavy resentment toward her. All it took was for her to admit that she was wrong for the things she did to hurt me, hell, just admitting that she knows she intentionally did things to hurt me and (seemingly) sincerely apologizing for it made my heart feel 10 lbs. lighter.

So why couldn't Dude do the same?

Just skip past the first 25 seconds of the video...

Esq., anyone?

So Saturday night around 9:30 I'm extra pissed b/c my friend was not only late coming to get me b4 going out, but she wasn't even dressed!

(Meaning I had sat in my tight skinny jeans and tighter corset (the only way the jeans were EVER getting buttoned) a full 30 minutes longer than I had anticipated while waiting on her!

We had to go back to her house while I waited until she dressed and said goodbye to her 10 year old daughter who was throwing her usual temper tantrum that springs up every time her mother begins getting dressed to go out. By the time we got to the club, it was 11:03 and we definitely weren't getting in free anymore.

(My cheap @$$... Not really. I just have other things I'd rather do with my money than pay $20 to stand around in 3.5 inch heels and look pretty while avoiding eye contact with people I KNOW I just graduated with not 9 months ago. I'm the type of person, who, if I didn't like/talk to your butt in college, why the heck should I wave at you out in public away from school, just because I recognize your face? People from the alma mater are every where! I get sick of seeing them.)

Anyway, the good thing is, it was a nice, classy, upscale place. Most of the guys weren't even wearing jeans. There were a couple of cuties (an anomaly because I almost never... NEVER see anyone I'm remotely attracted to anymore...)

I dont think many people in there were under 25, which was great, b/c I'm so over the just turned 21 crowd that has completely turned me off of the club scene in Chicago.

At one point, my friend and I are at the bar ordering drinks, when this guy offers to get them for us (great, cuz I woulda been pissed if I'd paid $20 cover AND had to buy my own drinks.) The good thing is he told us to keep going back if we wanted and that he'd put it on his tab.

Of course I was drunk out of my mind. I already don't have any type of alcohol tolerance, b/c I barely drink hard liquor or mixed drinks anymore... (I'm an official wino). 3 French martini's and a tequila sunrise later, my friend and I are talking to some guy and his friend who are all in our faces... while I'm trying to figure out how to tell the guy who's all up in MY face without insulting him that I'm much more interested in his tall, attractive friend in the hat...

Michael Jordan walks in... I look up, and we're like nose-to nose. (Shut up... I know I'm only 5'2, but I had heels on, and I was sitting on a tall bar chair... okay... his nose was still like a foot and a half from mine... So we were more like nose-to-bellybutton... And yes, I know that the heels don't really count if I was sitting ANYWAY... did I already say shut up?) Anyway, my drunk self taps him on his chest, waves, and gives him this huge smile while saying "Hi, MJ" like he's just some dude from down the block. After he returned my greeting, I just turned around, but my friend (who's from Florida) was mesmerized so she keeps saying over and over "I just was THIS close to Michael Jordan".

Bored with her star-struck antics, and having lost the will and coordination required to move my feet in order to pursue Tall Hat Guy, I turn to my blackberry.

Through my blurry vision, I see an email from a rival family law firm, which just so happens to sponsor the family law center at my #2 choice law school... I rip open the email (is that possible?), and scroll through the ridiculously long recipient list (haven't they heard of 'bcc'?) to find the words "Dear Admitted Student,"!

I didn't even read the remainder of the email because I instantlybegan to jump up and down like an excited 3 year old (or a 27 year old from Florida who just saw Michael Jordan in person for the first time ever,) and told my friend, who jumped with me for a few seconds, and then said "No, for real that's great congratulations....but I can't believe I was just face-to-face with Michael Jordan!"

I then left my friend and proceeded to tell everyone in the club who would listen that I just got accepted into law school and they didn't, INCLUDING the dude in the hat who I was eying.... Definitely told him "I just got accepted into law school. I'm gonna be an attorney in 3 years, so you need to be trying to get to know me!"

I guess all the excitement excited my stomach, because I don't quite remember how I arrived at the front of the long line into the women's restroom, but spent the next 10 minutes hugging the toilet bowl alone in a single bathroom...

The next thing I remember is the guy whose fault it was that I became more intimately acquainted with cold porcelain than I would have liked paid the valet parking fee for my friend and I, and then he and his friend took my friend and I out to breakfast. (I mean, no matter what you're eating, what else can you call it if you're eating it at 4:30 in the morning... Definitely haven't done that since I went to the alma mater for the alumni reunion weekend a few months ago... Late night food.... Good times.) The friend was nice. Decent looking... He'd have to cut his beard for me to take him seriously... And he was kinda squishy... The last two guys I've actually had feelings for had some pretty nice bodies... I'm not so sure I wanna settle... But I exchanged numbers with him b/c he hadn't done anything insulting and they were cool company at the restaurant.

Despite the brief moment of "motion sickness" I experienced, I got to drink to my heart's content, AND got free food on top of it... That was the icing on the cake... it was officially a saturday night well-spent!

4 Free drinks, acceptance into my #2 choice law school, (and what makes it even BETTER is that my acceptance letter which came in the mail tonight says that they're giving me $15k a year in grant money! Yaaaayyy me! God is amazing... Even when I'm hugging a toilet in a nightclub ridiculously drunk and probably don't deserve it) AND a free meal of greasy diner food to absorb some of the alcohol! I slept well and didn't even throw up when I went to sleep!

(But getting out of bed for church the next morning was not the easiest thing to do...) :-)