I Got In

I was finally admitted to the Alma Mater's law school next year. They gave me a small scholarship, but I hope to apply and receive some outside funding.

A friend of mine is there and telling me how hard it is. This video will be on repeat come August. It's so motivatioinal!

Enjoy!

Mundane Update.

I've nixed the tutoring gig. I prefer a full-time job and didn't want to commit to these kids only to leave them in two weeks if I was offered a full-time job.

I've been substitute teaching w/ a suburban school district... I REALLY like it, honestly. The only problem is that it's not guaranteed. You have to log in to this site where they post openings. More often than not there are NO listings. When one pops up, you have to select it almost instantly. If you wait 30 seconds, you miss out.

I started training today at a local bank. I don't really want this job, b/c they only want to pay $9/hr. I have a degree, so I feel that I should have a better wage, but hopefully something I like better will come along. How am I supposed to reach my goal of saving $15K by next August if I'm getting paid $9/hr?

I submitted my app to the Alma Mater on 9/15. My LSAT score (third time's the charm?) comes back a week from today, and I'm a little nervous. I would like 5 points but I'd be happy with any increase.

I have a lot going on in my mind, and my spiritual relationship with God is under a lot of stress, as my faith is being tested by the circumstances in my life. But I will blog about that later this week. This post is strictly facts about how I'm living my life.

I still do the shot girl job. It's helped me out, giving me money on the weekend. I was able to scrape together my car note with that. I've had some contention with my supervisors because I choose to wear actual clothes instead of lingerie, swimsuits, and other variations of nothing like my coworkers. I have standards and a degree. I feel that no self-respecting 24 year old will be outside in public showing off body parts only her lover should see. Especially if I'm only bringing home $100-$200 a night. If I'm gonna be dressed like a stripper, I should at least be able to pay all my bills for the month in that one night of working.

Ummmm, what else?

I'm going to apply to a school in VA cuz they're ranked as high as the alma mater, and I have a couple of friends in that state. (Also, the app is free, and I'm sure they have more black people than the school I ultimately decided not to attend this year.) I'm also going to apply to 2 schools in neighboring states.

And I guess that's enough to catch up on what I'm doing at this present moment. I have some things to blog about and I'll begin them some other night when I don't have to wake up at 4am to go to prayer.

So Now What?

Basically this is what is going on in my life right now.

I decided not to attend law school this year because the school I chose (due to the advice of several mentors who suggested that I attend the highest ranked school I got accepted in) refused to give me any scholarship assistance at all. They basically told me, you were good enough to accept but we don't really want you here. At least, that's the impression I got from them. It was too late to attend second choice, and The Alma Mater (1st Choice) never took me off of their waiting list (even though they let several others off) so I decided to sit this one out.

It was a difficult decision, because now I am unemployed (my job forced me out the door... I wanted my last day of working to be August 1st, but they made me stop 7/17. If they had only waited until 8/1 to hire someone, I would have gotten the letter that told me my Federal Direct Grad Plus Loans were declined.) The denial was earth-shattering at first, but I was able to appeal their loan decision. They granted my appeal, 2 days before I was supposed to go to school. I had been praying about it and seeking wise counsel, and I decided that it would be better to start law school next year when I am more financially prepared and have the possibility of receiving scholarship assistance than this year when I know that I would be taking out $51k in loans to attend a school that I ultimately didn't want to attend.

So anyway, I have this afterschool tutoring gig that starts 10/13 and I have this substitute teaching gig that starts hopefully as soon as I fax/deliver my employment paperwork and TB test results tomorrow.

It needs to start SOON. My pockets are angry at me.

I reapplied early decision to the Alma Mater's law school. When I get some money, I'll do some more applications. I decided to retake the lsat... Just for the possibility of gaining a couple of points... **sigh**. It's all a money game now. I know too many people who are going to law school practically for free. I don't want to graduate with $200k in debt if I don't have to. Second choice granted me a deferral but I'm too broke to pay the first seat deposit. I'll email the dean and let her know I'm interested but will need until late October to come up with the money. I also deferred at the school I chose not to attend this year. Just in case. I'd rather know I'm going somewhere if Alma Mater doesn't let me in this year.

So now, I guess I'm just waiting to see how things turn out.

Perhaps If I Wrote More Often...

I wouldn't have so much to catch my (few) readers up on when I actually write.

The position I am in right now in life is NOTHING like anything I could have wanted or foreseen last year. It was pretty unfathomable to me until less than a week ago. I'm trying to determine how to organize my thoughts and tell this story in a way that will make most sense to readers. I also have a possible date/likely phone call an hour from now so I have to squeeze in whatever I can for right now. I guess I'll start with the big revelations, or the ones that feel biggest to me becausethey are causing the most uncertainty in my life:

Big Thing #1:

I am gainfully unemployed
(because my job let me go (after buying me a REALLY nice leatherbound hard cover Black's Law Dictionary and a delicious yellow and fudge cake as parting gifts) so that I could prepare to leave for law school and because they hired my replacement and were afraid to lose her. They gave me one week's pay (vacation time) as severance. I was hoping for two full weeks pay, but it's better than nothing.

Big Thing #2:

I am not in law school, nor am I starting law school this year.
To me, this is the biggest. I planned to take ONE year off between undergrad and law school to a. pay off the credit card debt I accumulated my first year of college and b. buy a car. I did both (although the completion of a. was kinda forced on me at the last minute.) I am debt free and I have a car.

I am (technically) unemployed and I have plenty of bills to pay (car note, internet, phone) and expenses (gas, miscellaneous living expenses) which I thought I would be paying with student loan or grant refund checks by now. Never would I have imagined that I would not be attending law school this year. The very thought of this situation horrified me prior to about 5 days ago.

So I guess I owe you guys some explanations. I hope that any future law students learn from my mistakes and actually follow my advice. I ignored a couple of these suggestions and I believe that is why I'm in the state I'm in. ( I realize this paragraph sounded really defeated and self-pitying. I'm not feeling that way anymore. I acutally have a pretty positive outlook on what I'm going through right now, but it may not emerge in the writing of this post until later.

Experience's List of What NOT to Do If You Plan to Attend Law/Graduate School After Earning Your Bachelor's Degree

1. Do NOT ruin your credit by falling into the credit card trap that ensnares many college freshman in America.

I did this. I had PERFECT credit by the time I was 19. It was in the high 700 range. I had 6 cards and I ran them all up near their limits, made a couple payments and then just stopped. I was dealing with some personal issues and became depressed and unfocused my second semester of college, so I quit going to class (see #2) and I quit working so I could not pay my bills. I allowed the cards to charge off and didn't deal with them until I graduated from college. I knew that I needed to address this and pay off my debts. Even though I paid several items on my credit report, I still owed some. Direct Loans denies anyone who is 90 days or more past due on any debt. It doesn't help that collection agency crooks often report inaccurately to the credit bureaus, and many companies continue to report negative information, even after the debt has been paid. Now, I no longer owe any money on any old credit card accounts, but I'll still have "bad credit" until 2012. It's an f-ed up system indeed.

If you are in college and you have credit cards, make your payments on time! If you cannot, pay the cards down to zero and freeze them (like literally, in the freezer), hide them, or close them. Keeping the cards open helps your credit score, so I wouldn't recommend closing them unless you just don't have the self-control to not spend beyond your means. Allowing cards to charge-off or go into collections, or even the less-extreme late payments can bite you in your ass later because negative items stay on your credit report 3-10 years and in unpredictable economic recessions such as now, banks are denying loans for late payments from FIVE YEARS AGO, even with otherwise perfect credit!

2. Do not allow anyone or anything to affect your grades.

I was young and naive. My second semester of college, I let my triffling mother affect my mental state and I fell (hard) in love with someone who was no good for me. Instead of finding a positive outlet for my issues (as I do now) I let them get the best of me. I flunked out of a science class, got a D in a math class, and had to petition to late-drop another class to avoid getting a bad grade. Fortunately, I was able to pick up a one credit hour course (thank you, academic advisor) that started the second half of the semester in order to not have my financial aid affected by the dropped course. I was so stupid that I let this guy push me back into the bed in the mornings while he got up and got dressed for class. I got a 1.6 gpa. while he got something like a 3.5 that semester. I didn't even recognize that my lack of motivation and inability to make good decisions were due to depression and other issues that I was experiencing as a result of my horrible relationship with my mother, so I coped in all the wrong ways. I was able to bounce back from that 1.6 with a decent gpa upon graduation, but I should never have done that poorly in the first place.

If you are having issues that could potentially affect your work, seek help immediately. Your school may have counseling services that are free of charge. And young women, PLEASE realize that no young man is EVER worth ruining your life, especially since he more than likely isn't ruining his for you. It's college. 2-3 years down the line you may not even be communicating with this person who you think is the be-all-end-all. I know I'm not.

3. Apply Early!

I ignored this advice, even though it was drilled into my head for a couple years preceding my actual application process. I waited until the last week of December to submit my apps. I have average numbers (gpa and LSAT) and I know I should have had everything done by the end of October. My favorite professor submitted my letter SUPER late and I made the unwise decision to wait on her letter before I submitted my apps. I also thought (since I'm a pretty good essay writer) that I could throw my Personal Statement (PS) together in a short period of time. I had about 4 rewrites before it was perfect and that took time.

If you are retaking an entrance exam late, submit your apps anyway. Have EVERYTHING in order, including filling out the portions of the app that require you to fill them out (then save them on the database) Letters of Recommendation (LORs), Transcripts, Essays, etc... Your applications should be waiting for you to hit send as soon as the applications open. Be careful of the professors you choose to write your LORs. If you're still in college, network your butt off and suck up to thyour profs so you can guarantee SEVERAL profs who you know will write good LORs and you won't be so heavily dependent on one versus another, in the event that that prof just doesn't come through for you. Also, start working on your essays asap, and send them to all your critics well in advance so you can have time for a couple of rounds of critique, feedback, and rewriting. It's so worth it to be prepared earlier. Also, apply for financial aid early, preferably as soon as you find out that you are admitted. 2 weeks before school starts is not the time to find out that financial mistakes you made five years ago cause your much needed federal loans to be denied. Even if you aren't applying to a school Early Decision, you need to have the apps submitted to them about a week before the ED deadline. Trust me.

4. Pay Attention to How A School Treats You

I began to feel that the school I had selected only selected me because I am Black. I asked for money and they told me that they didn't award money to students with my numbers. (Minority students at The Alma Mater's law school with similar numbers to myself were given significant scholarships and even more when they asked.) I began to wonder why the hell Corntown University College of Law accepted me if they thought I was not good enough to receive even a nominal scholarship. I ultimately am not in law school right now because the school left a bad taste in my mouth and I realized this too late, when thedeadlines had passed for me to accept any other school. But I'm kinda happy with my decision because at least I won't be in debt $51,000 for a year of school at a university at which I would not have felt happy.

Make a decision well before the deposit deadline so that you have leverage. If you ask for money and they turn you down, and you are not 100% in love with the school, maybe it's not the school you need to attend. If it's a ranking question, from my experience this application cycle, choose the lower ranked school that gives you money, is in your home state, and treats you well over the higher ranked school that is in another state, offers no money, and makes you feel unwanted. You should never attend a school with the intention to transfer, but the exception to this rule is if you just HAVE to be in school this cycle, and you don't get into the school you want, or if a higher ranked school that accpeted you treats you like dirt and you really can't fathom being happy there.

I think that's it for my advice. I'll get a little more personal and write about the solutions to my problems in the next post.

I'm going to Bible Study

And I'm going to listen really hard. Maybe God will speak to me there, b/c Idk why but I keep missing him. I feel like my life is crashing down around me and everything that could possibly go wrong, is.

RING, DANGIT!!!

Stupid Blackberry. Okay. I won't blame you, Blackberry, but if I haven't heard anything by 3pm, I'm picking up the phone and calling the office myself.

IDK how much longer I can pretend to surf the net in this office on my last day of work while waiting for the phone to ring.

I'm gonna make a practice call to ensure that this thing is working properly.

Okay... Working.

Now I'm gonna call from my work phone.

Okay... Working.

I asked Grandmommy to finance a Dell Laptop for me, since I know I won't qualify for financing on my own. She has to "think about it". She offered to just give me $400 but I'm trying to tell her that I'm not asking for money, I'm asking for credit! I'm gonna pay the darn thing off as soon as I get my refund check, but with all these other things I'll have to be getting acclimated with a month from now, I don't want the laptop to be one of them. I kinda want it like... now... so I can figure out how everything works before hand.

People keep trying to convince me that I don't need a purple laptop to be happy. Especially since I could buy a perfectly good, cheaper, lighter, laptop elsewhere. I'm basically paying $200-$300 more so the thing can be purple. More than likely, I'll have to leave to doggie with my mother when I go to law school. So, though the purple laptop won't keep me warm and cuddle with me at night, it'll bring me some joy.

Anyway. I think I'm gonna leave work now. Or maybe I should wait until 3-ish to show the new lady one last time how to file and process things at court.

*sigh*

What Would You Do? (Response Requested)

In the image of a fellow blogger, Bloggal, I'm asking my readers a couple questions:

What would you do/feel/think if you had reason to believe that someone you once (very recently) had very strong romantic feelings for was now in love or falling in love with someone else?

Would it make any difference if you guys ended on bad terms?

What if you hadn't spoken to this person in a while before you found out about this new love interest. Does that change things?


I'll explain later, and I look forward to any responses.

OMFG(osh) and An Update

Early this morning,I came across some horrible, heart-stopping, news, but I'm not ready to share it with the world. Partially, because it's already been shared with the world... The entire world. By a pretty "reputable" source. It gives a whole new meaning to the term "repuatble". Like some people can really take the truth and twist it so much that it fits around their own little phucked up slanted hypotheses like a glove. (I feel way more sympathy for the late and great Michael Jackson than ever before.) The whole damn world could potentially be talking about me (or at least the whole United States)... I'm not exaggerating. And if you want to find it, you can find it. You just may not know that it pertains DIRECTLY to me. I'm hoping that this news doesn't affect me in the worst way. I've only told two people about it: the BFF (formerly known as Ex-Bff) and another friend. I"m not even gonna tell my mother. Not necessarily because it's "that bad". But because I don't want to hear her negativity about the situation. Also, I really don't know WHAT to think about the news. I don't know how bad or good it is. At least I know that I'm on the mind of a certain person I REALLY needed to be thinking about me, especially right now. I just hope that the capacity in which my name has come up hasn't potentially ruined my life. I know, I sound so dramatic, but it really is kind of a big deal.
For now, I'll be praying. I have NO clue what the outcome of this news could be. Once I shoved my heart from my throat back into my chest, and Google Talk-ed to a friend about it, I felt a little better. I'm waiting on some answers. My impatience with the whole electronic communication thing is wearing thin (thinner than it already was). I'm sorry I'm being so cryptic. It really is quite an interesting story. Or maybe it's just interesting to me because it affects a HUGE (one of the most important) aspects of my life. I'll post about it as SOON as I have a resolution.

Anyway, in efforts to not think much about my impending law school future, which is practically one month away, I will say the following and the following only, until I hear an update, or drive to my second choice, whichever happens first. I haven't gotten off the waiting list at the Alma Mater...Yet. I hope that I'll be admitted in the next week or two. A girl that I graduated from Undergrad with is a student at the Alma Mater. She was admitted to the Alma Mater's law school in mid-to-late July of last year. She had the same LSAT score as me. So I feel that it's a possibility. On 7/20, I have plans to drive out of state to find an apartment in the town of 2nd choice, if I have not yet heard from Alma Mater. I'll probably give the Alma one last desperate phone call the morning of my trip. I really don't see the point of going to get an apartment (meaning spending about $100 on gas and $500 to 600 as a deposit) only to get admitted into the Alma mater in the next week or two, and having to pay a seat deposit to Alma Mater AND pay a deposit in that town. Then I'd have to find a subletter for the apartment in 2nd Choicetown. Not only do I not see the point, but I don't have the money for that foolishness. Law school admissions are the most vicious game ever. End rant. I really don't wanna write about this stuff anymore. I wish I could stop thinking about it.

I have a part time job selling shots in different clubs in the city. It's kinda fun I guess. I haven't made much $ yet. One girl I work with made $700 one night and $500 the next. That possibility is the only thing that's making me stick around. What I hate? The company is kind of rebuilding after an inside betrayal, so they went from 70 girls to like 6 or 7, and a ton of venues to like one. So it's kind of bootlegg right now. Also, we have to dress somewhat skimpy. I'm almost 24 years old and I'm a lady. Over-the-top T&A showage is not in my lifestyle anymore. I've long since learned that you don't have to dress slutty to dress sexy. I'll post a pic of one of my work "outfits" one day if I can get a friend to take one.

My last day of working full time (unless I do this special project for my mom's boss) is exactly one week from today. I've been displaced. The trainee has taken my spot at the front desk and I am now in this little corner office away from everyone. I kind of love it. I finally have computer screen privacy (hence, why I have time to blog when I should be organizing pleadings.) I'm gonna miss everyone, but I'm excited about the next phase of my life as well.

Ummmm, what else?

I had dinner with a girl I ex-ed out of my life last summer, due to a misunderstanding. It was surprisingly easy to talk to her. Idk about actually becoming "friends" with her again, or whether either of us have a desire to do so, but, we'll see what happens. She's going to school at the Alma Mater in the fall, so, if I attend, there's a better chance that we will begin speaking on a regular basis again, and who knows where that will lead?

My mother asked me to be a co-borrower for a home mortgage so she doesn't have to miss out on the $8,000 home-buyers stimulus check. Yeah right. $200,000+? My senior year of college, we had a disagreement about her paying me back $40. And to be trapped in that for 35 years? IDK what she was thinking.

I speak to my uncle now, after a huge blowup. He's still selfish, and he bough himself some little raggedy fall-apart car. He parks this piece of crap in the garage, but one Saturday morning, he tried to express some concern for my well-being by telling me that he saw some men in our backyard and asking me to be careful. I feel if he really cared about my safety, he wouldn't have me struggling to find street parking late at night, esp. in my neighborhood. (Which reminds me... I hope this isn't like last Friday night, when I returnd home from "work" around 3am and had to circle the block for 15 minutes before finally finding a spot a block and a half away down a dark street.)

I don't have any other updates, except a couple that I'll make a separate posts about.

I'm sorry if my tone is a little negative or melancholy. I'm under a lot of stress right now, b/c I don't know where I'll be in the next month, and it's super important. I'm doing everything in my power to maintain a positive outlook on everything.

My Sincere Apologies

I've been very internal lately. Many thoughts have been churning in my mind, but I haven't had the energy to write them. I used to have the most inspiration to Blog on Friday nights or Saturday mornings.

I've actually been sacrificing my Friday Night Me Time lately. I think it's b/c it's summer and I have a car. This Friday, though, it's all about Experience. I'm gonna close the blinds, light some candles, lay on my bed and THINK. Then I'll see if I'm more motivated to write about all the things that I've been busy trying NOT to think about.

An Answer

So, I completed Job, and at the end, God basically told Job to stop being a beyotch because He has it all under control. Then he blessed Job and he lived happily ever after.

Lately, I've been having struggles with my faith. I'll elaborate on it more later, but it's gotten pretty bad at points. My resolution was to pray more (among other things). I'm fasting now. No meat (doable) and no sweets (not AS doable. I cheated yesterday. It was the paralegal's birthday and we ordered a yellow cake with fudge and buttercream frosting. I'm a fat kid... I love cake.)

It's about sacrificing, showing God that though my faith is being tested right now, I'm still willing to put myself on the line and give up some things that I enjoy doing. Outside the religious aspect of it, it's also about self-discipline. I'm trying to push myself beyond limits. To show myself that I can live up to challenges, even when they seem insurmountable. This applies to every aspect of my life.

I'm working on convincing myself that I can be happy if I end up going to school four hours away instead of at the Alma mater. I'm having faith that I'll still get off the waiting list, but I'm preparing myself to be happy even if I don't. Tomorrow night I'm going to a gathering at one of the ritzy rich people clubs downtown that is hosted by the law school I'll be attending if I don't get admitted from the wait list. I'm a little nervous, due to the very real possibility that I'll be the only Black person in the room. It's not like being the only Black person in a classroom... At least in that venue, I'll be focused on learning the material and not necessarily the color of my skin.

But this will be a social event where I'm expected to drink and mingle with people I don't know, who I'm sure come from a completely different background than me. I hope I don't feel like the token black girl.

I have a lot to write about but I'm tired and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
Maybe I'll have time to catch up this weekend.

Two Unrelated Thoughts

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I haven't written about men in what feels like a while, cuz I haven't spent much time thinking about them. The Artist crept into my thoughts a little bit in the past couple weeks, but nowhere near as much as before. Most likely because I have so much stuff going on in my life... important stuff... and because I burned the bridge (hopefully) when I sent that email. I'm kinda proud of myself. I haven't even felt the urge to facebook stalk him like I previously have.

Anyway, I love this chick's poems. My favorite lines from this poem:

Our creation is absolutely irreplaceable.
I tried to untangle it but the start is untraceable.
Cuz you have a piece of my heart.
Actually, it's umm... it's more like a fat chunk.
Cuz every time that I try, instead I vanish and I hide
Because I don't want to move on.
But I will if I have to.
Trust that, indeed!
Your love is what I want;
It is NOT what I need.
....
Be careful who you give your heart to, cuz they might not give it back.

I've been having some weird dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that I was pregnant by some faceless man. He had a nice body, but no face. I've heard of dreams with ambiguous characters but never had one myself.

Anyway, I read most of Job on the train to work this morning

. He was trippin, b/c all the crap that happened to him, and I'm complaining about not yet hearing from a wait list... Anyway, Job is LONG, so I haven't finished. I kinda skipped a lot because he was whiny and it was just annoying me. So I skipped ahead to the part where God finally speaks to Job after 37 chapters of him whining like a be-yotch... (Though, I must admit that if I had gone through what he went through, I would probably have been even worse).

Before I go to bed, I'm gonna see what God said to Job, and then apply it to my situation. It's all about faith, and I've been feeling a little low on the stuff lately.

Waiting... And Waiting... And Waiting... And Waiting....

Wait lists SUCK.

I'm tired of people asking me where I'm going to school in the fall.

I'm tired of people asking me where I'm going to school in the fall... PUBLICLY on my facebook wall... as though I want everyone to know that I'm in Law School Admission Purgatory.

I'm tired of not knowing where I'm going to be in two months.

I'm tired of feeling like a puppet dangling at the end of strings that are being manipulated by a sadistic admissions committee.

I'm tired of hearing that he's accepted "this number of students" this week and the week before and the week before, yet I'm still waiting... and waiting... and waiting....

It's taking a lot of gospel music and busy workdays to attempt to keep the nagging "where the hell will I be in 2 mos" thoughts at bay...

And it's worse when every other day a co-worker loudly asks, "So, where are you going to law school?" Yeah... loud enough for the whole office to pretend as though they're not waiting to hear my response...

I'm tired of explaining that my money is in one place, and while it's a great school, my heart is at another...

I'm tired of this admission cycle not yet being over.

I'm tired of being obsessed with this one aspect of my life. I'm halfway missing the days when I used to obsess over dudes. At least I had some form of control in that situation; unlike this one...

Where I'm being kept waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

I'm gonna read the book of Job before I go to bed.

(Not So) New Developments

So, I developed the camera.

ONLY the camera. The roll of film (which, because I believe it was older, would have probably contained more interesting pictures) must have been accidentally exposed, because it was blank.

And, now that I've developed the camera, I kind of wish I hadn't developed the camera.

These pictures were taken my first year of college. I recognized a few of the poses and outfits from one of the big African American weekends at the Alma Mater. There's also pics of a fashion show and a close-up of someone I no longer consider a friend who was modeling in that fashion show.

There's a pic of a boy I was messing with for about two to three weeks. I really have no idea why... Sheer boredom and the fact that he lived in my dorm building. He's not ugly, but he's SO not anyone that I would ever take seriously now. (And probably not then, either, considering he didn't make it past the one month mark, and I didn't have sex with him.)

There's a close-up pic of a girl I don't really like, but remain cordial with because we have mutual friends, so when I hang out with that particular group, she tends to be there. She was always around Freshman year because she lived down the hall, and I actually liked her then, because I didn't find out how phoney she was to me and how she was telling my business until the summer AFTER Freshman year.

There's a pic of me at a basketball game with a girl that I'd never be friends with in real life. Like never. Her voice annoys the HECK out of me... I often wonder how she became immune to it? I'd just go through life in silence for fear of offending someone. We actually hung out a little bit Freshman year. Not for real for real, but way more than I would have ever considered after that. I think it's because she kind of migrated toward hanging out with a group of girls I consider extremely phoney because they were always talking about each other and sleeping with eachother's f-buddies behind their backs.

There's a pic at the baby shower of a girl I no longer want to call a friend, for various reasons. (I'll address that in another post.) She's posed with her baby daddy.

There's also a pic of me with a friend from high school. We were really close. I thought we'd be friends forever. Then he realized he was gay (the rest of us already knew) and he disappeared to pursue that lifestyle. I guess he was ashamed, and I understand that this was an uncomfy experience for him, but I wish he hadn't just disappeared like he did.

As I was walking down the sidewalk and flipping through the pics, I came across one pic that stopped my heart. The pictures on this camera seem to have been taken from approximately February to April of 2005. What's the significance of these dates? This was right at the onslaught of my "relationship" with Dude. There was a close-up picture of dude in my Freshman year dorm room.

I hadn't seen his face in quite some time. I haven't been thinking about the pain he caused me lately... Or at least I haven't had lingering thoughts about it. Occasional thoughts flicker in my mind daily, but not really anything significant anymore.

IDK why seeing his picture had this effect on me, but I felt naughty. Like I was being intrusive. I instantly covered the picture as though someone would punish me for looking at the picture of him. I couldn't look the picture in its eyes. As soon as I realized it was him, I flipped right past and prayed that nobody from the Alma Mater would happen to walk by, see me looking at the picture of Dude (someone I haven't had a conversation with in years), and think I was some crazed love-struck psycho for still owning a picture of him. It's amazing that the shame from that publicly humiliating situation still lingers. I wonder when it'll go away?

It wasn't until just now, when I came home from work and turned on my computer to write this post, that I was able to really LOOK at the picture. It scared me. It's still a little scary. Before when I saw pictures of him (probably several months ago, when I heard he was released from jail and went on facebook to be nosey, and who knows when before that) I felt a strong contempt and a huge sense of disgust. I really could not understand why he was so attractive to me then. But this picture... IDK if I somehow caputred the way I felt about him in the pose, or if the way he felt about me at that time is reflected in the picture, but I don't feel disgust. I feel................

I'm not sure what I feel. But right now looking at this picture, I don't think he's ugly, which is the first thing I've thought when I saw pics of him recently. He has changed through the years. So now, when I look at recent pics, I kind of understand why I might think that he's less than attractive. His head became huge over time, and he gained weight. So I guess it looks kind of... off, in recent pics. But this picture... I don't get that from this picture. I don't feel sick to my stomach, or disgusted, or hateful, or full of rage. So I'm trying to figure out why?

And now I'm thinking... Maybe it's because, in recent pics, he's not MY Dude. He's HER dude. And I HATED Her dude, because once he became Her Dude, he could never be my Dude again. Once he became her Dude, he became the Dude who chose her over me, wasted my time, humiliated me, and didn't even seem to care about the pain he caused me. Maybe that's why his image is so repulsive to me in the present-tense.

So this four-year-old picture doesn't have a repugnant effect on me. Maybe it's because in that pic he was my Dude. It was the budding stages of our "relationship". Before I fell too hard. Before he had ever hurt me. When he still treated me like a queen and his eyes lit up when we entered eachother's presence. I guess those are good memories. I guess. Not since we were on good terms, had I ever, EVER before this moment allowed myself to remember good memories about Dude. But today I did. And it's not so bad.

I guess maybe that's part of the healing process. I've begun praying for him. Praying that he does well in life, and that God blesses Dude and helps him to become the man He wants Dude to be. And praying that God helps me with forgiving Dude and Her completely.

I thought about mailing him this picutre, that's unnecessary. What would that prove, besides making me look like a psycho? I'm sure he could piece together the background scenery and realize that it was my dorm. And I know my Freshman year roomate has no reason to know his mailing addres...

IDK, anymore if it was such a great idea to develop that film. It was an... interesting experience.

One good thing came out of it, though. I've been feeling pretty chubby lately. Freshman year, I was FAT. I was so fat that in these pics of me, my D-Cups (which were DD's back then... I have one sole, lonely DD bra to remind me of how big I was) actually look SMALL in these pics. It's cuz my waist, hips, and butt were so big, the breasts were actually eclipsed in comparison. So as long as I don't get that big again, I'm STRAIGHT! :-)

I've been back in the gym regularly lately anyway. I'll be sexy by the time school starts for me again.

Old Film

I have two cameras that have to be at least 5 years old. Well, one's a roll of film, and one's a disposable camera. I'm REALLY excited to see what's on them. I'm taking them to get developed tomorrow. Maybe not a blogworthy post, but I just got super excited and decided to write about it.

:-)

I'm Over People

People are really getting on my nerves these days. I just want some time alone. And I'm going to take it. Maybe at some point this weekend I'll have the time to explain the specific things that people are doing that are making me want to keep to myself. Right now, I'm getting in the bed.

Whoo hoo! Only an hour and a half til it's FRIDAY!

I Feel LIke I'm Watching Paint Dry

This wait list thing is not a good look. I'm grateful that I'm not one of the 100 who were booted from the list with no hopes of being admitted to the Fall 2009 entering class of the College of Law at the Alma Mater.

So at least there's still hope for me.

I'm obsessing. It's all I can think about. I'm believing that I'll be admitted from this list before June.

I'm absorbing myself in more fantasy fiction to get my mind off of it, but it still creeps up, especially since every week at least one person at work asks me where I'll be attending law school.

*sigh*

Grrrrr

I can't f-ing stop thinking about him... and it's driving me batty.

When I try to NOT, it seems like I think more...

*sigh*

An Admission

I guess I am really a *cough* romantic *cough* at heart.

As much as I try to hide beneath (what I hope comes off as) a cautious, but not bitter shell, I know that deep down inside I really am a romantic.

The two associates and the paralegal at my job are in their late twenties or early thirties and I've listened from my desk while they gushed about the plot of the Twilight series. Friday, one of the associates gave me the first Twilight book to read. I'm almost halfway through it, and I'm thinking about canceling my Saturday night plans to finish it!

This Edward character is so charming. The relationship he has with Bella is full of the witty banter that was present between me and The Artist (the FIRST time around, and the beginning of the third.) I'm seriously wondering if this character was modeled after him... If the Artist were, in fact, a vampire it might explain a few things...

Anyway, the type of relationship they have, I miss that. I want someone to sweep me off of my feet. I want to get all giddy and excited by the thought of seeing someone. (Someone who actually follows through with the plans we make.) I am enjoying being single for a few reasons, but I still would like to have someone to like, and to spend time with, and to get to know.... Where is MY Edward?

IDK... But I'm going back to reading this book...

Random Thought

I'm fighting the urge to take a steak knife to one-half of the tires of a certain Mercedes truck... Really fighting...

But I'm too classy and I've got too great of a future to do something so dumb. Plus, I believe that you reap what you sow and I don't want to block my blessings by taking the vengeful way out.

Doesn't mean I still don't want to...

Going to repent now...

I'm Full of It

I was in a really bad mood for like an hour today. I was feeling moody about relationships, etc. (I think that's the result of about four months of concentrated horniness).

It pisses me off that people can just move the phuck on. Why can't I? I wish I could just resolve to be done with a dude, and leave it at that. Idk, but after wallowing in my bitterness for about an hour, I realized that I was pissed about being stood up by The Artist, so I decided to write an email to tell him about himself:

Hey [The Artist]

I saw that you contacted me the other day via gchat. I didn't feel like addressing you at that particular time because I felt really disrespected by the fact that we made tentative plans to see each other weeks in advance but when the projected date came and I called to confirm, you completely sent me off by not returning my phone call in a timely manner. Sending me a chat about something completely unrelated almost two weeks later with no apology or reference to the fact that you didn't return my call is just insulting.

I understand that you have other obligations, but it is very impolite to completely ignore the fact that I reached out to you. Even if you had replied via text or an email stating that your plans had changed, it would have been better than saying nothing at all.

Were this the first time this happened with you, I would not be addressing the issue. I understand that we are not together, nor am I under the impression that we are even working toward such a goal, but returning someone's efforts to communicate with you, regardless of how you feel about them, is common courtesy. It has been my desire to continue and possibly strengthen our friendship, but your actions have given me the impression that you do not want the same.

I'd be doing myself a disservice if I did not let you know that it's unacceptable to pop up by contacting me out of the blue and then disappear just as suddenly. It sends mixed signals and I'm left wondering how to proceed, not to mention, it's a huge waste of my time. So unless you tell me otherwise, I'm not reaching out to you anymore. If you feel that you can't correct this pattern that has unfortunately developed in the way you communicate with me, then I'd appreciate if you stopped contacting me altogether.

Take Care.

I sent this today at work around 2pm. I just went back to my email (it's about 8:15p) to copy and paste the letter for this post, and as I scrolled to the bottom, I saw that he had just responded. Guess what his response was?

"Ok."

Seriously? "Ok."? He didn't even bother to spell out the whole word! That just proves my point. The very reason I didn't want to email him in the first place. That response reeked of the very same unaffected, IDGAF attitude that he has been displaying for the past several months.

At first I was like... Okay... what? Does that mean, okay, I'll stop contacting you. Could it possibly mean okay, I get it; I f-ed up, I'll try to be considerate as we continue interacting with eachother in the future. Or did it mean Okay, this bitch is crazy and I'm gonna send this simple ass response because at least I'll be responding to her crazy ass and not blowing her off like I've intentionally been doing.

I instantly started to regret sending the email. Now, I'm glad I sent it. That response shows that he really must not give a phuck, and that I've wasted a huge amount of time on this fool. At least I know he received it. The way I'm going to take that ambiguous "ok" is this:

I don't even feel like dealing with this. You said you won't contact me anymore, and I'm very okay with that. I don't care enough to apologize or explain myself or do anything to keep you in my life. Besides, this is much easier than me having to tell you that I'm just not that into you, so it is what it is.



Anyway, it might take me a while to finally get the courage to tell someone to treat me right or phuck off, but once I make that decision, I'm pretty good at sticking to it. Especially if the person has agreed to stop contacting me as I asked. So, now, though I might remember how things USED to be, I'm positive that they won't be the same way ever again. I should finally be able to move on! (Ummmm... yeah.... not as easy as it sounds, especially since I'm still dealing with the occasional hurt and thoughts of someone who publicly humiliated me and ended up in a lasting relationship with my nemesis.... One day I'll learn to get over people!)

My final analysis of the amiguous "ok." is most likely right. What do you think? It'd be interesting to know have a few guys' perspective on this.

What do I call this one?

Don't feel like beating around the bush, so I'll just come right out and say that this post is about the Artist.

After standing me up weekend before last with no apology, no call, no admission that he disrespected me at all... After a week full of seeing him update facebook statuses about how bored he was and how he needed his time occupied...

I log on to Google Talk from my phone last night while in bed. I'm wierd. I treat Google Talk like Twitter, updating my statuses with the most random thought that pops in my mind. My statuses are usually about one of two things: the food I'm eating, just ate, or want to eat, or, a song lyric that's either stuck in my head or happens to describe my mood at that particular time. Occasionally, I read or hear a quote that at the moment seems SO profound to me that I need to post it right at that very moment, whether I'm actually logged into Google talk or not. So I'll login and post it, and then log right back off.

Around Tuesday of last week, after my burning anger at The Artist's disrespect simmered down to a dull glow of disappointment and self-righteous resolve, I changed his status to "Never Show" in my buddy list (for probably the 6th or 67h time since I've known him). Anyway, when I logged in on my Blackberry last night, to change my status message to "Anger without action leaves us bitter, NOT better". I hadn't even finished typing the status message when The Artist sends me a chat asking "Whos baby is that?" referring to a picture of my God daughter that I have displayed as my Google Talk icon.

I didn't know what to do. I contemplated snapping "Oh, you can chat me almost two weeks later but you can't return my phone call in a timely manner"? I contemplated telling him that it's none of his business who's baby that is is I'd appreciate it if he never contacted me again... I contemplated a lot in the 10 seconds it took for me to pick up the phone and dial my friend's number to ask for advice.

Her pep talk made the answer seem so simple: "Wait... Didn't you leave him a voicemail that day? Just sign off and ignore his ass like he did you". And that's exactly what I did. And I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

It's a small victory, but it made me feel good to get SOME kind of revenge for him blowing me off. I nixed the email idea, because I feel that it's kind of redundant to send a long drawn-out email telling someone that you don't like the way they're treating you and you're not going to be bothered with them anymore, especially when you can... just not be bothered with them anymore. It would be a waste, because, since this is the third time this fool has done this to me, it's apparent that he doesn't give a damn anyway. Those kind of emails are sent when you have plans for the person to continue to be in your life, and when you think that addressing the issues will cause them to change their behavior so that you can overcome your problems and strengthen your relationship. I don't believe this is possible withthe Artist. He's not the dude I fell for two years ago, at least not concerning me, so I didn't even want to waste my time.

So, anyway, I'll continue to ignore him, unless he happens to pick up the phone and make an effort to call. Even then, I'll need to be in a really good mood to answer the phone. But if I'm right about this fool's intentions, he'll probably not even bother trying to contact me again. He can crawl back under his rock.

Didn't Happen

For those of you who might have been wondering, the "massage session" with The Artist never happened. I should have known that it would turn out to be a bust when I didn't hear from him at all in the week preceding yesterday, even though he knew that he was supposed to return my phone call from the previous week when I called him during a practice for an event he was in last weekend at school.

Yesterday, I was really pissed! (Combine being drunk with being really horny for like the past MONTH with being stood up with no apology and no explaination for the 3rd time in a row!, and it's not a pretty picture.) I even called him yesterday around 1:00 p.m. (before I got pissed) and left a nice, short voice mail, saying "Hey, I'm just calling to confirm our appointment. Gimme a call when you get this message." This was around one p.m. No word from him the entire night, so I logged into a friend's Facebook account to check his profile (he and I never requested eachother as friends after a big Facebook fall-out two years or so ago.) His status still said the same thing it had said all week.

That didn't satisfy me. 30 minutes later I checked again... As though it would change in 30 mins, right? Well, it did. It said that he was still in the college town.

That made me even MORE angry. I've mentioned before that failure to communicate is one of my biggest pet peeves. I was pissed that he had the time to update facebook statuses and ish, but didn't have time to pick up the damn phone or return my phone call, even with a text, which would take all of30 seconds, tops!... It could be something simple! Due to the nature of our [non]-relationship, I don't need or even want any explanation of why he decided to cancel. I just think it's common courtesy to at least let me know that he was cancelling. Something like "hey, sorry, can't make it" would suffice! At least it wouldn't leave me wondering wth was going on!

(Grrrrr... After church I felt a little better about this, but now as I'm typing, I'm getting angrier and suppressing the urge to shoot him a very nasty text! I wanted to call and leave a voicemail, (because I feel like he's screening my number anyway, and would just send me to voicemail) but I feel like calling twice without receiving a call-back would look pretty darn desparate. Also, I've known his voice mail box to be full before, so it would be a total waste if he never heard the voicemail... That's why I'm thinking text... He can't ignore that. But now as I'm thinking about it, I have a little more to say than would fit in an 160-character text, so I think e-mail might be the best venue.

My neurotic mind was thinking that, having known me for two years, he would know that I might check his facebook status for a clue as to why he chose to pursue the route of being a rude bastard, and might have displayed that status that he was still in the college town, even thought it might not be true, to try to present a reason why he wasn't answering his phone... Then I realized that if this fool doesn't even care enough to cancel a meeting before it results in me being stood up, he probably couldn't care less whether or not I'm reading his facebook status.

I hate to admit this, but I am a facebook stalker. Only when it comes to this fool though. So I've been noticing, since the school year began, that a certain female has been showing up a lot in his tagged pictures in some pretty close poses. Not overly intimate like the poses that led me to believe the rumors that Dude and Her were sleeping together a while ago, but close enough to show that they've been spending quite a bit of time together. I also know he's a flirt and that previously it's been mistaken that he was "talking" to females who were just his friends. However, I feel like there's more to this situation than that. Right now, his profile picture is of him hugging her in a very playful manner. I wanted to see if the friend whose facebook profile I use to stalk is facebook friends with this chick, so I typed in her name. My friend isn't her facebook friend, but the chick's profile picture is the same profile picture he has up, of the two of them... Couple that with the overtly flirtatious wall posts consisting of inside jokes (strangely similar to those which he and I posted when he and I first started dating) and there's another reason to make me look at the pictures of he and this girl with the side-eye...hmmmmmmm... This afternoon after church, I checked again, and his status says that he wants someone to occupy his time... Of course this pissed me off even MORE. Not ONLY is this bastard sitting in the sleepy, empty college town (if that's the truth) but he's bored and he still isn't considerate enough to apologize for sending me off yesterday! That just shows that IMO, he really doesn't respect me or care about any friendship I thought that we possibly had!

I know from experience (though at the time I was the cause of this behavior, and not on the receiving end of it) that when The Artist is really into a female, he is pretty unattainable. He spends all of his time with the female and doesn't answer his phone, may not return phone calls... etc. It's like he doesn't need food, air or water to survive. His life seems to be sustained only by the attention he is giving to and receiving from the object of his affection. It's a great feeling if you're that girl, but if you're on the outside, say, a friend trying to get in contact with him, it absolutely sucks. I can recall a time back when The Artist and I first started talking when his roomates and a mutual friend tried to reach him all day because he had spent the night with me and did not let anyone know where he was going. He had been drinking and, when I woke up and went to work the next morning, he stayed in my bed asleep for 6 hours, and didn't wake up until I returned back to my apartment. He is also a heavy sleeper and has the ability to not hear the phone, even when people call him back to back. Even after he left my house that day, he still hadn't returned the phone calls of the people who were looking for him... His friend found out that he was okay because I told her.

So I'm thinking that this may be the case. He may be falling for this girl, and if it's not her, then SOME girl, and it could be why he makes these random appearances into my life, long enough to turn the most innocent of conversations into one full of overt sexual energy and witty banter, and then re-disappears from the face of the Earth.

And if that's the case, that's GREAT for him. After a conversation with a friend a couple weeks ago, I realized that I don't even necessarily want a relationship right now. I want someone who I can like a little, and be attracted to... If I'm in my moments of weakness and actually give in to having sex with the person, I'd like for it to be satisfying (very much unlike the last sexual experiences I've had with anyone OTHER than the Artist in the past two years.) The bottom line: I'm no longer in denial, thinking that this man is supposed to be my future husband, and that we can work through the issues of our past, and reconcile to have the best relationship ever. I'm realistic about the fact that he's probably just not that into me.

I think this is what angers me the most. Why send me mixed signals, then? And if he IS in a relationship, or seriously pursuing one, why would he press the issue of having sex with me? Is the standing me up his conscience kicking in about his intentions with the probable potential girlfriend, and any sexual desires to fulfill with me? If he's having sex with this girl, if it's something that serious, why won't he just say "I'm sorry, I'm involved with someone, and that's not something I want to do." I've solicited him for sex before while we were at school, and he told me that he already had plans that night (mind you, it was already 4 am when I approached him at the gathering we both attended, so any plans he might have had, were more than likely plans to go lay up with some girl) and I was perfectly okay with that! I was very happy that he was honest with me!

So I'm just not understanding this coward/bastard approach he's taking in this new route of sending me off... It's just plain rude. I can only think that he really is just not that into me... not even if it is just for sex, but that he thinks he's being nice by standing me up and not flat-out saying "I don't like you like that, and I don't even want to have sex with you anymore". IDK.

Sitting here writing has made me decide to email. He has a damn iPhone. Normal people don't buy stupidly expensive gadgets like that unless they're always going to be constantly playing with it. He'll get it. I'm going to try my hardest not to sound pissed. I've decided to bring up each incident that I've found to be disrespectful since I've graduated and no longer see him.

1. The birthday/s incident, in which I spent a considerable amount of effort and money (more than $50) calilng his roomate to find out if he would be in the College Town or in Chicago for his birthday, what day and time he'd be home, buying a gift and having it delivered to his house. After not ansering my phone call or texts the night before, he responded late in the day when it was delivered, and found out about the delivery (an Edible Arrangement), said "thanks, I'm gonna max" and didn't even pick up the phone to thank me more formally. He again continued not to answer my texts (an invitation to go out for drinks for his birthday) for the remainder of the weekend, and finally texted me that Sunday night saying he had returned to The College Town. I know I'm not his girlfriend or anything, but even if a friend (or someone I didn't even consider a friend, but more of an associate) had obviously taken the time to plan something special for my birthday, no matter how small/random it was, no matter whether or not I knew the price or the amount of thought or effort the person had put into it (weeks, in my case, b/c I didn't want to send something that'd seem too much like I was trying to be his girlfriend or something that couldn't be appreciated. I knew all his favorite fruits, which is why I settled for the Edible Arrangement with the cheerful message), I'd still pick up the phone to call and thank him or her. That was just so rude to me! And to add insult to injury, he didn't even send a call, text, e-mail, e-card, ANYTHING on my birthday, 5 days later. When I spoke to him later that week, (I can't remember who called who) he insisted that he'd lost his phone and had called me anonymously from a friend's phone to on my birthday to say Happy Birthday, but had not felt it important enough to leave a voicemail. Bastard. I don't recall an anonymous call, and he should have made sure that I got the probably fictitious birthday wishes.

2. Twice telling me over his Winter Break that he'd call me to set something up, and then not doing so and not apologizing, very much the same as this weekend.

I don't even expect a response. I actually anticipate him being a coward and not responding. I think that since the disrespect has gotten to this point, he probably doesn't give a damn about any kind of friendship we may have still had. However, I'll simmer and be pissed if I don't get this off my chest, so I'm going to draft this email now and then send it to him. I'll post it after I'm done writing it.

Work It Out

I'm on a mission 2 get my body right by the summer. I went and bought an XSport Fitness membership today, and worked out with a friend...

MAN! I saw some sexy ass dudes up in there.

Total motivation to keep coming.

Going to a Yoga class on Friday... A personal training session on Saturday.

I'm trying to do 3 times a week at least... Maybe I'll catch one of the gym cuties!

Slutbag Thoughts

Warning!

This next post is rated.... Hell, Just don't read this shyt if you're either prude or under 18...

Phuck the politically correct term "sexually frustrated"...

I am officially totally and completely beyond all shadow of a doubt horny...

And this little baby (who, within the past week, has moved from his hiding spot in a drawer in my closet to the underwear drawer right next to my bed) just hasn't been cutting it for me lately... I want passionate kisses, and ass-smacking. I need my breasts fondled and my nipples sucked. I want my weave pulled and I want to talk dirty... I want to grab his hair while his face is buried between my legs and I scream his name at the top of my lungs. I want to swallow his shyt whole while I glance up into his eyes and watch the pleasure make them roll to the back of his head. I want him to deeply moan my name while my face is buried in the pillow (to muffle my own moans) while he's beating my shyt up from behind... I want erotic stares while he encourages me to "get that nut, girl, get that nut.." Okay... This reminiscing is too much...

Forgive me for being a little graphic, but it's been about 3 mos. since I've had anything that remotely resembles good sex...

I know it contradicts with my (admittedly foolish and possibly delusional) "play-it-cool-act-like-I-don't-want-him-make-him-realize-we're-more-than-just-phenomenal-sex-to-each-other-and-make-him-fall-head-over-heels-for-me-like-he-was-two-years-ago-when-I-foolishly-wasn't-ready-to-be-with-him" long-term goals for our relationship, (not to mention, the entertaining of these thoughts contradict with my relationship with God... hey, I'm only human and He created me to be a VERY sexual young lady, and since I 've been trying to supress the wild beast, the hoebag in me is dying to get out!) but I made plans to get it in with The Artist when he comes home for Spring Break next weekend...

Well, actually, I made plans to receive a deep tissue massage from The Artist next weekend, but he and I both know where that's gonna end up, despite my efforts to remain coy and aloof concering the obviously sexual intentions we both have. Hell, a bomb-ass massage is how he ended up with his face between my legs the very FIRST time about two years ago...

In my defense, though, my neck and shoulders have been a little achy, and I really DO want a deep-tissue massage... The happy ending is just a bonus! :-)

I've been thinking about it all day and all night since the plans were made on Google Talk Monday while I was at work... And, quite frankly... I can't wait!

According to a poetess who's poem I'll link later when I finish the post about the topic to which it's most relevant:

The ride is like a drug;
We don't care about the long-term effects...
We just care how high we can get while we're on it...

And I'm going through some serious withdrawal right about now.... I need a fix of that good-good... That sticky-icky that I feel I can only get from The Artist, as any and everyone else would be a colossal waste of time!

It's too bad that I still have feelings for him... I'm trying my darndest not to allow these feelings to ruin the chances of this experience being the mind-blowing phuckfest I've come to expect when we reunite after not having seen each other for months....

Phuck! I'm so damn horny... I Can't WAIT until next Saturday!

(And I swear if this motherfucker stands me up like he did around Christmas (which is why I stopped talking to his ass for the last few months) I'm gonna phuck his shyt up... I have a CAR now... I'm not above stalking his ass over some good ass dick... From experience, he should know by now that I have no problem just taking his shyt when he's being less than cooperative... He'll phuck around and return to his apartment in The College Town after break only to be snatched into a cute little gray Altima, ravished, and have his lifeless body thrown into the street! I'm not playing!)

Till next weekend, I'm hoping these vibrators aren't really as loud as they seem to me...

Priceless

1. Not waiting for the bus on Crackhead Alley at night when I get off the train after work.

2. Attending parties/gathering/ANYTHING in the suburbs and coming home to my own comfy bed afterward.

3. Going grocery shopping without anyone else!

4. Hanging out with my god daughter without worrying about her mother's schedule.

5. Attending Bible Study on Thursday nights!

6. Getting fast food in the freezing cold.

7. Getting something to eat that is farther than a 2 block radius when the restaurant does not deliver!

8. Not having to worry about these random dudes knowing exactly where I live when I go on first dates!

9. Responding to booty calls, getting up, and LEAVING afterward! (If I had any booty actually calling me....)

10. Not having to be on anyone else's schedule to do the things I want/need to do!

Though these may seem very small, they mean the world to me. For the duration of my life, I couldn't do any of these things, and it's made me feel small, immature, and incomplete. It's a horrible feeling to be working toward becoming a mature adult, while feeling like a totally dependent burden on my friends and family members. I've missed out on so many things I've wanted to do because I didn't want to burden my loved ones by asking to be included. No more of that!



Look at my baby! Isn't she a cutie pie! I've wanted an Altima since they first changed the body style in 2003. She's a 2005 with all of the amenities I said that my car MUST have (4 doors, Cruise control, power windows and door locks, and keyless entry... again, these seem trivial, but so many cars I've looked at before I bought her were missing at least one of these!)

I'm paying for her myself; I bought her myself with no help from anybody! This is such a confidence boost for me!

It's been a LONG time coming. I'm learning how to drive at the age of 23, because, though I've had my license since 18, the members of my family don't seem to trust one another with the usage of their cars, and because my mother doesn't feel the need to... oh, I don't know... Be a mother, so the only times she's referred to buying or helping me buy a car were during arguments or when she thought she had something to hold over my head. From her smart ass comments, I can tell that she's bitter that I did this myself and I did it completely and totally without her help.

I'm teaching myself to drive and I just can't escape this feeling of ultimate FREEDOM. I have such a sense of pride because this is ALL MINE and I thank God for blessing me with one of the major goals I wanted to accomplish during this year off before law school!

Now... To learn to park between cars parallel to the curb.....

Interesting Weekend

Hello, Blogworld!

Have any of you heard of Arenda Troutman? She was recently booted out of her position as an Alderman over a ward on the South Side of Chicago after being suspected of taking bribes...

Of course it's no secret that the Illinois political arena has been the home of much corruption as of late; why is this woman so special that I had to feature her in my Sunday evening blog post... So what?

Well, the what that I'm interested in is this Alderman's sexual/romantic relationship with a local druglord, who openly admits to governing the sale of cocaine, heroine, marijuana, etc, and to being responsible for a lot of violent crime and gang activity...

Why does this interest me?

I believe that you are supposed to align yourself with people who have the same type of goals as you. This woman worked her way up to a position that made her a potentially influential leader in the Black community, but she continued to associate with a man who made a living by doing things that are completely detrimental to the same community. There's a huge conflict of interests in a relationship like that and this may be why she got caught up in drama and lost her job.

So, why is this Alderman's story relevant to my life?

I noticed that I hadn't seen Dude around since we graduated last May. (I only thought this a little strange, as we both live off the same big street but its just about 30 blocks away on the otehr side of town, which I never really frequent) Every Sunday though, I take the bus into his neighborhood to go to church, and, not that I've been looking for him, but I haven't seen or heard anything about him... Not that I was thirsty for info. (I'm kinda okay that he disappeared from the face of the Earth)... I'm just sayin.

Saturday afternoon phone conversation with a friend.

I called her to share some good news (which I'll happily blog about after everything is finalized tomorrow night). After I share, she asks me what I'm doing that night...

Me: Bout to go to the mall with {The Ex-Bff}... (I'll blog about that later as well). You?

Her: This boy we went to high school with is having a party at his apt. But I'm also thinking about going Bowling... It's supposed to be a lot of people up there from {The Alma Mater}

Me: Oh, really? Why?

Her: It's {Dude}'s coming home party.

Me: Coming home party? Where he been, Iraq?

Her: Okay... So this is supposed to be a secret, so don't tell NOBODY. I just found out but I thought, wait 'til I tell Experience. Cuz I know you gon' laugh

Me: Okay...

Her: Girl he been in jail since right after we graduated! He just got home 2 days ago!!

I'm sorry, but when I heard this I CRACKED UP. God has blessed me so much, to find a great job in my field, and to have a great future. Not saying that Dude doesn't have a great future but, jail is the LAST place I would ever be after graduating from a University... Something like this is a direct conflict to the things I want to do with my life. Activities which could, even in the most remote way, ever land me in jail are a direct hindrance to my career as an attorney! And I'm not doing any activities that could stand in the way of my destiny!

My pastor always says that Eagles don't fly with pidgeons... The places where one typically finds Eagles, pidgeons don't even exist, because they're not equipped to get there.... Eagles are just created to be magnificent birds, and to live magnificent lives soaring above most of the other creatures in the world.

When my friend first told me the news about Dude, I laughed, and I made jokes about his "down @$$ b!tch" having to put money on the books so he could trade for Sprites and chips...

It was just funny to me, b/c there was a time in my life when I wanted to prove that I would be the down chick... I was attracted to his street mentality. Before him, I dated a guy who was a prominent dope boy in my neighborhood. I knew that Dude robbed people and sold drugs. I was there when he did transactions. I knew that he was a typical street nigga, though I didn't understand why he felt the need to carry this life into college, a place where I feel he should have been trying to get an education and leaving all that mess behind. The need to show off by buying all these flashy expensive things, the need to appear tough, the false bravado that men portray and the attraction to the materialistic things that attract simple-minded women motivated his love of money to the point where, I guess, he resorted to street life to keep it up. 3 years ago I would have waited patiently for him to get out of jail. I would have focused my life around waiting to see him again...

Then I realized something...

Now, there's no way you could get me to wait for some fool in jail!

Hell, I'm not feelin this one dude who's trying 2 be in my face b/c he owes thousands of dollars in tickets and as a result, has had his license revoked. Seriously? Thousands of dollars in tickets are preventing him from being able to drive, something NECESSARY because he doesn't even live in the city, where you can get anywhere on public transportation, but out in the suburbs, 30 minutes away. Yet, he has a full-time job? I think that's so irresponsible. It's one thing to mess up your credit, b/c theorhetically, you don't use or see that everyday. But I've lived without a car forever, and I know it's much worse for men to not have one... He couldn't even take me out on a date if he wanted!

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post...

After laughing a little a huge WAVE of relief washed over me... Over the past couple of weeks, I had my bad moments where I thought about Dude, not because I wanted him, but just because I was hurt that the situation ended with me being hurt... I realized that I'm not quite to the point where I can wish him 100% the best... Hell, I was kinda happy that he had been punished... You truly reap what you sow, and I believe this little incarceration situation is only the beginning...

However, the news my friend told me made me soon begin praising God... God took dude out of my life for a reason. He know where I'm headed, and He knew that Dude's life of crime and money-chasing was just not for me... It doesn't fit with what I'm trying to do. It's a total conflict of interests, and I'd be totally irresponsible, let alone, I'd look like a fool if I associated with anyone who lives such a lifestyle...

Things that make you go "hmmmmm" on a Saturday afternoon....

It Now Has A Name

I've coined a phrase for the selfish feelings and desire to have my own personal space on Fridays after work... Friday Night Me-Time. After giving so much of myself all week at work, coming in when I'm sick because of my work responsibilities, controlling my temper when I encounter totally rude people on the way to the office, in the office, and on the way back from the office, and being pulled in 8 different directions by my 8 different bosses (work that I love, despite its demanding qualities) I am flat-out pooped.

When 5pm hits on Fridays, I'm running from the office. I will not let anyone or anything stand between me and my warm room and comfy bed. I've been called selfish, but I realized that this is always by people who don't recognize the fact that sometimes women need to take time alone for their own mental health. Women who continually give and give and give and try to please so many different people often end up so unhappy, because they never take the time to just BREATHE. So that's what Friday Night Me-Time is all about.

I come home.
I let doggie out.
I take off my clothes.
I turn on the computer, check emails, check my addicting weave website.
I VEG OUT!

I might draw a hot bath and sit there for hours. I might just lay naked on my bed and process things. I might login to Blogger and dump everything that's been weighing heavy on my mind... (Like last night.)

I do nothing that is requested by anyone else. I do not lift a FINGER unless I want to. I enjoy the fact that at that particular moment, I don't have any career demands, family demands, relationship demands. I might not even LOOK at my phone. Everything I do during Friday Night Me-Time is all about me.

There are occasions that I might do things on Friday nights that involve other people... This is usually something I've planned or something that's been asked weeks in advance so that I can prepare myself for it.

My friends have even learned to preface invites with "I know how you feel about Your Fridays". lol.

They're damn right!

What happens to a dream deferred?

Soooo, I forgot to write about the dream I had that involved Dude.

I don't really remember the intricate details, but it involved us riding around in his car and being cool!

That's why it was so disturbing. It was present-tense, but it was warm outside, so maybe during the spring or something?

We were at the alma mater for some kind of important weekend, so there were a lot of people there, the way the campus was during homecoming and other such weekends.

SHE wasn't anywhere in the dream though... But my subconscious understood that they were still together.

It disturbed me that we were hanging out alone, because of the way things are. It disturbed me because it was so far from the way things actually are. I dont know why I ended up in his car. I remember wondering where SHE was but not feeling guilty or anything, because it didn't seem like that. It seemed like we were friends. Like we knew there was a history, and still cared about eachother, but accepted things for what they were and didn't hate eachother.

The most disturbing part of the dream (the part which actually woke me from my sleep) took place after we rode to campus in his car. We parked, got out and were laughing and playing around (the way he and I used to when things were good.) Then, he swung me around and put me on his back, and started walkin up the steps of one of the buildings on the quad with me riding piggy back

Idk why this disturbed me so much. Probably because, after everything went down, I couldn't stand for him to even SPEAK to me, let alone TOUCH me! But the dream me felt a strange joy at being carried on his back. The contradiction between my subconscious and my conscious mind really threw me off and shook me from my sleep.

I dont know what that dream meant. I believe that God can speak to you through dreams, but I'm unsure if that was one of those dreams. I just chalked it up to eating right before sleep...

Gotta stop doin that!

Happy Saturday!

Sure, I could recognize this day for its commercial value, but I could really care less. Calling this "Valentine's Day" really doesn't positively affect me at all.

The ex bff never came by. She said she was running late. W/e.

I thought about the Artist. A stupid (incredibly stupid) part of me is waiting on him to call or text to say happy Valentine's day... I know better though... I don't expect him to crawl out from under his rock. That's too much like right.

So I'm going to dinner at a moderately expensive seafood restaurant downtown with a group of friends. We're gonna get dressed up and look cute! I'm a little excited b/c I've been craving really good seafood.

Idk why dresses are made with zippers in the back, but I might have to ask my grandma to help me get dressed tonight...

Afterward, we're hitting a couple clubs.

Mentally, emotionally, I'm okay. I'm kinda tired, after a stressful work week, and kinda happy that being in some man's face isn't that big of a deal to me today. I'm just going to enjoy a nice, Saturday night out with friends, monitor my alcohol consumption, and live my life! I know the man-bashing may start at the table, but if the shrimp's good enough, I just may not participate!

We shall see!

There is life after Valentine's Trauma, ladies... It's possible to be single and content on Valentines Day! I sure am. For now...

F--- You, Pay Me

In my past, It's been said that I'm dramatic... That I'm a shyt starter. In analyzing my present, I kinda disagree. I think I'm very anti-drama. I believe that many situations that have blown out of proportion has done so because the OTHER person has issues; not me... (Though I have had my irrational moments...)

Anyway, I know that right now (and beginning sometime around ehhh, May or so), I totally do not have the patience to argue with people. Like maybe I'll engage in witty banter, or jokingly argue about insignificant things... But if it comes to something that really makes a difference in my life, I'm not going to argue.

I don't know if it's indicative of my ever-increasing maturity, or whatever, but I just feel like, if I disagree with someone about something really important, and if I'd have to go back and forth to try to get them to see things my way, I no longer care if they agree. I just won't argue with them... It's a total waste of time to me, especially when I know I'm dealing with a closed-minded individual who just REFUSES to understand my perspective anyway, and more than likely IS being dramatic and irrational, trying to get a rise out of me while looking incredibly foolish because they're the ones who are doing too much.

I see how the attorneys I work for bill at between $250 and $500 an hour. I thought this was a bit much until I analyzed it. They feel that they do valuable work and should charge accordingly. So if a client calls and they spend an hour on the phone going back and forth with the client because that client refuses to take their word as gold and let them do the job they've hired us for, then the client will just waste valuable time; and time is money.

This is the perspective I've adopted into my own life... I don't argue with anyone. I let them talk crazy, work themselves up into a tizzy, and I bow out gracefully. I've found that this pisses them off more than if I had responded. I look at it this way: though I'm not yet a successful, millionaire attorney (and though I haven't even decided which law school I'm going to attend to GET me to that point) I still consider my beliefs, opinions, and ideas of high value. I choose to exhibit patience when the other person is being irrational and just wants to pick a fight or blow off some steam. I've pissed more than a couple of people off in the past year by telling them "Argue with yourself". Because seriously, time is money, and in my mind, you REALLY can't afford the effort I would have to exert to pretend that I care about the hissy fit you're going to throw when I completely dismiss you...

Now, if you're willing to pay me a substantial hourly rate to watch and listen to you make a fool of yourself, be my guest. I take cash and PayPal. I don't trust enough to accept personal checks.

Now to keep this in mind when I have my meeting with the ex-bff tomorrow afternoon at 3:30... I'll let you guys know if she's still lying...

Check her out...

Maybe all single women want this out of life. Anyway, this chick is so pretty! Her hair is absolutely beautiful I love her spoken word:

I think a lot about how much I'd do for my special THE ONE. I've done some of these things in the past, but I feel like I wasted it. I can't wait until I meet someone who makes me feel like this:




I like this Pretty Girl video too. This is kinda why I want a breast reduction. I need people to take me seriously, b/c too much for my liking, do people refuse to do so....

Sigh... It's Sunday

I hate Sundays b/c I get sad that the weekend is over and I have to return to work early the next morning...

I'm getting back a better amount than I expected from my taxes, that's exciting. I'm putting it on my car purchase.

Was so excited to see my new baby godson and my old family at the hospital...
Friend's not answering texts... I'm sure she's exhausted after 31 hours of labor!

My date was cancelled yesterday. He said he had to go get his mother who's car broke down in a suburb.

I'm not tripping. Though I really did wanna see Slumdog Millionaire and I really did want some Pappadeaux's... But the date itself, could have been anybody...

Sat in the house watching The Secret Life of Bees with a friend and her 10-yr-old daughter.

Woke up today and went to church, where I fell asleep for the first time in years. It was colder, but the sun was still bright.

On the bus ride home, I chuckled to myself b/c the couple behind me were arguing over whether this is my "real" hair... And the female was hating VERY hard..
Yes... It is real hair... Real human Indian hair... But that's not quite either of your business, is it? I'm glad it looks good enough to create such stimulating conversation over whether or not it's growing out of my scalp! Thank you for the attention... Have a wonderful rest of your Sunday!

Got home... Turned off my ringer... Went to sleep... Woke up... And that's where I am now... Waiting for my food to be delivered (could have walked 2 blocks to get it, but it's dark and chilly now.) They are now a half hour past the promised delivery time and halfway to being cursed out. My phone better ring in 2 minutes.

Gonna try to gain the energy to fold clothes and do a little laundry... Then I'll turn in sometime around 10pm hopefully.

So that was my weekend... How was yours?

Why Am I Awake This Early?

Because a friend I once (and still do) considered a sister is going into labor. There are 3 godmothers, and one is on her way to from the suburbs to get the other 2 of us. (She's the only one with a car, but hopefully in a few weeks, I'll have one too! )The other called and woke me at 7am. So now I'm getting dressed to go see the new baby!

How exciting!


This is my new godson about an hour after his birth. 8lbs, 4oz. He's so CUTE! Even with all the goo and crust still on him! (Newborn babies are NOT the cutest thinigs in the world! I'm pleasantly surprised!)

What's even MORE exciting is that it's gonna be in the 50s today! Warm weather just lifts my whole spirit! I'm so excited to be able to go outside and not freeze 2 death or wear 3 layers of clothes!

I have a date tonight. When we talked after I got off work, we made plans to eat at Pappadeaux's and then go see Slumdog Millionaire. That's all I wanted to see. I mean Benjamin Button was out but he didn't sound excited when I mentioned it. And of course I wanna go see He's Just Not That Into You. But that's a movie you see with your chicks, not a date.

So maybe the girls and I will go see that for our Anti-Valentines day date next week.

Oh well, lemme go get dressed... Baby Brendan has been on his way for several hours, and if I hurry, maybe I can catch some of the gushy bloody stuff...

(I'm so wierd)

ETA: Pics of my new Godson!