An Answer

So, I completed Job, and at the end, God basically told Job to stop being a beyotch because He has it all under control. Then he blessed Job and he lived happily ever after.

Lately, I've been having struggles with my faith. I'll elaborate on it more later, but it's gotten pretty bad at points. My resolution was to pray more (among other things). I'm fasting now. No meat (doable) and no sweets (not AS doable. I cheated yesterday. It was the paralegal's birthday and we ordered a yellow cake with fudge and buttercream frosting. I'm a fat kid... I love cake.)

It's about sacrificing, showing God that though my faith is being tested right now, I'm still willing to put myself on the line and give up some things that I enjoy doing. Outside the religious aspect of it, it's also about self-discipline. I'm trying to push myself beyond limits. To show myself that I can live up to challenges, even when they seem insurmountable. This applies to every aspect of my life.

I'm working on convincing myself that I can be happy if I end up going to school four hours away instead of at the Alma mater. I'm having faith that I'll still get off the waiting list, but I'm preparing myself to be happy even if I don't. Tomorrow night I'm going to a gathering at one of the ritzy rich people clubs downtown that is hosted by the law school I'll be attending if I don't get admitted from the wait list. I'm a little nervous, due to the very real possibility that I'll be the only Black person in the room. It's not like being the only Black person in a classroom... At least in that venue, I'll be focused on learning the material and not necessarily the color of my skin.

But this will be a social event where I'm expected to drink and mingle with people I don't know, who I'm sure come from a completely different background than me. I hope I don't feel like the token black girl.

I have a lot to write about but I'm tired and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
Maybe I'll have time to catch up this weekend.

Two Unrelated Thoughts

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I haven't written about men in what feels like a while, cuz I haven't spent much time thinking about them. The Artist crept into my thoughts a little bit in the past couple weeks, but nowhere near as much as before. Most likely because I have so much stuff going on in my life... important stuff... and because I burned the bridge (hopefully) when I sent that email. I'm kinda proud of myself. I haven't even felt the urge to facebook stalk him like I previously have.

Anyway, I love this chick's poems. My favorite lines from this poem:

Our creation is absolutely irreplaceable.
I tried to untangle it but the start is untraceable.
Cuz you have a piece of my heart.
Actually, it's umm... it's more like a fat chunk.
Cuz every time that I try, instead I vanish and I hide
Because I don't want to move on.
But I will if I have to.
Trust that, indeed!
Your love is what I want;
It is NOT what I need.
....
Be careful who you give your heart to, cuz they might not give it back.

I've been having some weird dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that I was pregnant by some faceless man. He had a nice body, but no face. I've heard of dreams with ambiguous characters but never had one myself.

Anyway, I read most of Job on the train to work this morning

. He was trippin, b/c all the crap that happened to him, and I'm complaining about not yet hearing from a wait list... Anyway, Job is LONG, so I haven't finished. I kinda skipped a lot because he was whiny and it was just annoying me. So I skipped ahead to the part where God finally speaks to Job after 37 chapters of him whining like a be-yotch... (Though, I must admit that if I had gone through what he went through, I would probably have been even worse).

Before I go to bed, I'm gonna see what God said to Job, and then apply it to my situation. It's all about faith, and I've been feeling a little low on the stuff lately.

Waiting... And Waiting... And Waiting... And Waiting....

Wait lists SUCK.

I'm tired of people asking me where I'm going to school in the fall.

I'm tired of people asking me where I'm going to school in the fall... PUBLICLY on my facebook wall... as though I want everyone to know that I'm in Law School Admission Purgatory.

I'm tired of not knowing where I'm going to be in two months.

I'm tired of feeling like a puppet dangling at the end of strings that are being manipulated by a sadistic admissions committee.

I'm tired of hearing that he's accepted "this number of students" this week and the week before and the week before, yet I'm still waiting... and waiting... and waiting....

It's taking a lot of gospel music and busy workdays to attempt to keep the nagging "where the hell will I be in 2 mos" thoughts at bay...

And it's worse when every other day a co-worker loudly asks, "So, where are you going to law school?" Yeah... loud enough for the whole office to pretend as though they're not waiting to hear my response...

I'm tired of explaining that my money is in one place, and while it's a great school, my heart is at another...

I'm tired of this admission cycle not yet being over.

I'm tired of being obsessed with this one aspect of my life. I'm halfway missing the days when I used to obsess over dudes. At least I had some form of control in that situation; unlike this one...

Where I'm being kept waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

I'm gonna read the book of Job before I go to bed.