Ambitious

Sometimes, I just sit in awe and think about all the great things God has done/is doing in my life.

My job matches every single qualification that I began praying for this time last year. I almost can't believe it. I prayed for specific things for specific reasons:

1. To work in a family or criminal law firm. (I wanted to make sure this is something I wanted to do for a significant amount of the rest of my life, and Intellectual Property and Personal Injury just aren't the type of lawyer I want to be so I wanted experience working in a field that I knew would attract me for a significant part of the rest of my life.)
2. To be making a certain salary AND have benefits.(I need to buy a car and I have other financial responsibilities. Plus, I wanted 2 have money 2 have fun, like travel or something on a whim.)
3. To be working closely with the lawyers and not just pushing paper and stuffing envelopes in some huge firm and never see my boss. (I wanted to be able to see the whole process from client intake to case completion. I wanted to spend time with the people in my future occupation and learn from them the subtle things that you just don't learn in law school.)
4. I wanted a congenial, fun office environment. (Self explanatory... Who wants to be bored to death at work.)

So I got them all. The divorce cases that my firm handles are all pretty well-to-do clients. (I mean, they have to be, when the partner billing rate is $450-$500/hr, the associate billing rate is $250-$300/hr, and the paralegal and I bill at $125/hr.) These people have huge amounts of assets and in some cases, huge marital debt, so the cases can get pretty convoluted. Add to that Chicago's corrupt politics which try to make a profit off of ANY exchange/acquisition of property that could possibly take place in marriage life, and you get these phenomenal taxes which impact the marital estate and make the case all the more cumbersome. For example, when transferring a 2.5 million dollar house from one spouse to the other, the city makes about 30k. Something like that. I don't know the exact numbers. How unfair! The amount of effort it takes to put into some of these cases means that in a WEEK a client's bill can skyrocket $10,000 more than the previous week, and I truly understand why the attorneys in my office can be stressed and cranky at times (and why there's a bottle of Ketel One in the freezer...) My bosses mentioned that I will be slightly more prepared for law school because I'll have a working knowledge of the progression of a case and I'll understand many of the terms and how they affect cases because I can apply them to my experiences, instead of just studying for memorization during law school.

My salary is great! I have another friend who is an entry-level paralegal and she's making way less than me w/o benefits. Her last firm was cheap too. I interviewed there but they were corrupt and just closed down and skipped town! I guess that's what happens when you work for cheap, corrupt personal injury ambulance chasing lawyers. I have medical and dental PPO and a vision discount. These are not deducted from my salary, but are cushioned by the firm. I also got a week's paid vacation from Christmas through New Years, so I didn't return to work until January 5th.

I was a little angry with my office manager when she told the whole firm that I was taking the LSAT the day after my birthday. I didn't want them to know that I am applying to law school because I was worried that I would be fired because they didn't want to train someone who would be leaving them next year. However, it's worked out in my favor because now that they know, they've put more pressure on me to perform well, and I think it's grooming me for the discipline and perfection that is needed to excelll in law school. Also, the 2 founding partners helped me with my personal statement and essays for my applications, which is great.

I LOVE the office environment. Though stressful at times, the environment is usually fun, especially when all the partners are away at court. Then all the crazy conversations ensue as my office manager and the paralegal try to hook me up with any eligible bachelor they know between age 25 and 35. Though I know that one should be wary of the personal relationships formed at work, my office manager is cool. Since she's only about 8 years older than me, she gives me all kinds of advice for the real world; not just at work. The paralegal does the same. One of my bosses is a gay middle-aged man... He is SO fun, spewing random phrases into our office gossip such as "if he wants a RIDE, he needs to come give you one!" (I'm not even going to go into why I was getting booty call advice from a partner! lol) The two founding partners are at retirement age. One is similar to my grandmother... Yell first, find out why later. She hurt my feelings during my first couple of weeks, but my skin is thicker, and I know how to interact with her. The other is SO cool (despite being in her 50s), and SO classy... She's seriously has so many qualities that I hope to possess by the time I'm her age.

The first founding partner, when giving me my Christmas bonus, told me that she sees ambition in my eyes. I took this as a compliment to work harder and only do better. I'd love to secure a good letter of recommendation by the time I have to tell them goodbye when I get accepted to law school.

My pastor's been preaching on favor. I really do feel favored, because a lot of opportunities I get, I do not necessarily deserve. I love it, though, and I really don't care to try to explain to others who try to wrap their brains around my success. I'm thankful because I couldn't have done many things without God, and if people refuse to accept this as an explanation, they don't matter. This is why I've chosen to not tell many people about my specific goals and ambitions. I don't want people cursing my destiny with their negativity. Some people are so miserable in their own lives that they just can't stand to see someone else obtain success...

The bad part is, though I'm grateful for the wonderful things God is doing in my life, I think I remain pretty humble. I hope that all of my friends find a way to be successful and follow their dreams. However, there are certain people who just can't seem to be totally happy in my happiness. The ex bff's mother called me the other night and told me that she finally spoke to the ex bff about why I haven't been around. The ex bff clearly still cannot take responsibility for her actions. She told her mother that I owe her money. Then she said there was a misunderstanding on my birthday weekend, and her phone was broken, but I didn't understand that and stopped being her friend... The final straw was when she said that I started acting funny when I got my new job...

Really? Acting funny? Those comments come from people who are dissatisfied with their own level of success (or lack thereof). People are a hot mess.

"Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as succes--yours or his"
--Franklin P. Jones

JESUS HELP ME

I'm so unfocused... I just need to get away from all humanity. Lock myself in a room with no internet, no TV, no phone, NO THOUGHTS and get my life together.

Or travel to the mountains where the Ricola men went and just scream "FUCK" really loudly... I don't know why I chose that word. I hear it all day... It just seems like the perfect word to scream when you're really stressed out. That's what my bosses do. The most creative combination of swear words I've ever heard... And I'm sure I've spewed a few myself.

I feel somewhat contradictory in my personality. I'm on this quest to live "right" but I get pulled in these different directions. Anyway...

It's mainly 1 thought that makes me say Anyway and force myself to move on.

ANYWAY!

*sigh*

Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Ares, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Oh!

So I'm texting this dude and he asks me if we're compatible (Zodiac)... If I were to really believe that ish, NO. I would be compatible with Aquarius, Gemini and Leos, supposedly. Dude is a virgo. Anyway, it's interesting though cuz there are some pretty profound coincidences in these things:

Libra and Libra love compatibility
Both of these people are filled with energy and both are over demanding of one another which will make this relationship a very exhausting one for the two Libras involved. They treat each other passionately. They have a lot in common. They are cheerful, and easy-going. They also love harmony and beauty. But the severe reality interferes anyway. Neither one nor another wants to realize the facts. Their biggest problem may be unresolved conflicts, as neither wants to stir the pot when differences appear. Their life together is likely to be hectic and they will spend more time with others than they will with each other. The connection can be interesting while the marriage requires maturity.

Hmmmm. Unresolved conflicts... Longevity requiring maturity...

ANYWAY! (That's what I do when my mind starts 2 wander to a place I've forbidden it to go. I yell anyway really loud 2 myself.)

This girl got an interesting blog. 2 bad it's not a blogger blog. I gotta figure out how 2 subscribe.

http://dreamerone03.wordpress.com/

Office party Friday. I'm kinda excited! I bought a bottle of Ciroq for our gift sharing thing and put it in a pretty box.

I go thru these short phases where I'm not talking to (or talking with) any dudes, and then out of nowhere, it's always a few. It's never just 1 at a time. It could be, but nobody wants 2 act right, so...

Aand back to the purpose of my post, more hororscope stuff I found while googling... Just so happened 2 steal from another Libra girl's blog...

People-oriented souls who enjoy the stimulation of having loved ones and friends as an active part of their lives. This can often create a problem when the potential mate feels no more important than the best friend. In general, Libra natives are all around charming individuals who are good-natured even when they do not much feel like being so. They are also able to actively stifle any personal complaints…until they reach boiling point. Consequently, when a person ruled by Libra has allowed the scales to become unfairly tipped, then he or she will often lash out in explosive fashion. This usually takes a partner totally by surprise, since he or she has probably come to see only the gentle and peaceable Libra exterior. Those ruled by this Sign adore romance and all of its finest attributes…everything from flowers to poetry to love songs. They also apprecaite the accessories that accompany being in love and the state of being in love itself. Indeed, such is often the primary focus in the life of a Libra native. Whether it is being in love with their life, their job or their person, subjects of Libra want to feel the connection of the heart…to their world and their mind. In terms of physical intimacy, natives of Libra generally prefer the more romantic, tender and extravagent extensions of sexuality. In short, they prefer the “goodies”…the romantic gestures and the love notes left on the nightstand. To Libra, love is an idealized vision, complete with setting, tone and atmosphere. Often hesitant to voice likes and dislkies, it will be important for any mate to coax the Libra partner into speaking his or her mind. Interludes that are rough and/or coarse will usually be distasteful to natives of this Sign and the more artistically pleasing and overtly romantic, the better.

So Tired

One thing I really miss about college is the flexible schedule. Being able to take a nap mid-afternoon or early evening is very rejuvenating; a luxury I can no longer have working full-time.

I couldn't sleep last night. I had a really wierd dream. I was chillin with this dude. We were in the town of the college from which I recently graduated in an apartment which in the dream was a dorm room. For some reason, this white dude (IDK if it was a roomate, friend, or someone who just lived in the "dorm") must have annoyed him and he picked him up like a baby (like cradle position) walked to the balcony and just threw him over in the cradle position. It was so strange. Dude didn't fight back or anything and when he hit the ground his head burst open and blood went everywhere!
Then dude I was visiting just tried to carry on like nothing had happened. But I was scared so I left. I was living in the college town too so I just went home but I was trying to avoid looking @ all the blood on the way out.
I had a bad feeling and tried to run back up to dude to warn him to leave or tell him that I was worried something would happen but I couldn't get to him. Like he was surrounded by too many people (like his friends) and I didn't wanna talk in front of them. So I left still trying to avoid the blood outside. People in the dorm were talking about it but they were speculating that it was a suicide. I kept thinking in the dream that dude shoulda stood white dude up before dropping so it could look like he jumped.
A few days without speaking to dude go by, and I get a call from his # but it's the police who tell me that they have reason to believe that I'm an accomplice to the murder. So I'm horrified in the dream because they are asking what I know, and saying they already took dude. Then they try to convince me to trick by saying that if I do, I'll get off and I won't have to worry about this situation affecting my law school applications. As i woke up, I was struggling with whether I was going to tell on dude and save myself.
I looked @ the clock and it was 1:00a.m. I wanted to call dude very badly. I was very disturbed and I wanted to talk to him aout the dream, thinking it'd make me feel better, but I fought the urge.
I feel like that late @ night, he was probably laid up w/sum1 and wouldn't answer, or he was sleep and wouldn't answer. I didn't feel like being irritated if he didn't answer or respond. I almost texted 2 ask if he was able 2 talk, but I fought it and rolled over and tried to sleep, which did not happen.
So now I'm exhausted. I have a lot to do @ work this week. @ least Fri is a short day cuz it's our Christmas lunch. Now I have 2 try 2 find a unisex Christmas present for the gift stealing thing... I think I'll buy a bottle of liquor.

I feel a lil better about that dream after writing it.

Focus

There are so many distractions in the world. So many things to occupy your brain space... Or your time, cuz not all these distractions require you to actually THINK.

The ex bff contacted me last weekend, when I was at a Thai restaurant with my friends, talkin bout "her boyfriend told her to give me my money back" (showing she still can't assume responsibility for her actions) and sayin that she just wanted to put that in my head (wth?) and that she would come by last Saturday morning to bring me my $ and perhaps talk about our friendship, b/c even tho words were spoken, she realized that good friends like me don't come around twice.

I was very short with her. I was out at the freaking Thai restaurant with other friends. I told her, I'm not even dealing with this right now, you can call me when you're on the way with my $. She sent me picture mail of professional photos taken of her daughter. Im like wtf? Why are you contacting me? I sent a message back sayin "very cute" but seriously, where my $85 @ if U got $ 2 be takin professional photos?

Like now that I'm learning how to push people out of my life, I'm pretty good at keeping them out unless I want them there. When I told her to never contact me again unless it was solely about my $ I meant it. Now, I'm not an evil person. I'm willing to hear her out, if she wants to admit her fault and apologize but it doesn't even seem like she GETS why I told her to get out of my life in the first place. I DON'T TRUST HER. That she was able to tell such a HUGE lie to me and try to continue it just removes all her credibility. So if she had come over apologizing first for lying, and then all that other stuff came behind, I could possibly begin speaking to her again, but I don't see how the friendship could ever be the same unless she is able to win my trust back. I was helping my mother that Saturday, and so when she called to say she was down the street from my house (rude... U don't know what I'm doing so don't assume that I'm automatically available when you call me at the last minute... You no longer get those bff priveleges.) I was helping my mother move some things in her apartment. Now, what she could have done was hung out in the city, or come and talk to me while I was doing these things, but she was just like, "oh I'll call later". Never called. I texted Monday like, "you never called back" She said she never returned to the city. It's now the following Sunday. Last I knew, she worked in the city each night. If she really wanted 2 return my $, she could have. Not making a very convincing case for herself.

Made our NYE plans. If I'm driving by then, I may leave the restaurant, go to church and bring in the NY in His face, and come back to our hotel to hang. If not, I have to cut church out, but I'm tired of cutting God out of my NYE plans simply because I have no car.

I've had a headache all day. My friend called and woke me and it's been hurting since then. Gonna take some aspirin and go to bed in a few mins.

Been hanging out a lot with this new girl. Don't know how I feel about that. I mean she real cool, but some questionable things have happened, which have threatened drama concerning this dude that she was talking to. She was all insecure because the bastard suggested that he had plans to sleep with me (plans of which I knew nothing) and so she was all scared that I was going to act on them. I'm like, dudes wanna sleep with me all the time. U should be secure enough in WHATEVER you and dude have and whatever friendship you're trying to build with me to trust that I'm not on that. And if you think I'm that kind of girl, why hang out with me? I'm all for cutting ppl out when they suggest drama in my life. But she's cool. I believe that brief annoyance is over, because I just said forget dude, even though he's cool, it ain't that serious, especially since I met both of them at the same time, only a few months ago. Esp. after she told me the comments he made about my body and how he sounded so sure that he was going to sleep with me. (Why would you tell a girl you supposedly "love" your plans of sleeping with another girl? Bastard)

I think it's the cultural difference of not being from Chicago that makes a little tension. She doesn't think the same as me about certain things but that's part of the process of getting to know eachother. She has a cute 10yr old daughter. They met me at church today, and she was crying. I hope that's a good sign. I was praying that God spoke to her today because when I invited her to church before, things happened to prevent her from making it or staying, though her daughter had previously attended children's church and loved it. I feel like when you REALLY need to be in church, the Devil does things to prevent you from getting what you need.

Went on a date last night. With a guy I was dating this summer. He lives like 4-5 blocks away. We just stopped speaking and I was like whatever. Wasn't that serious. But he sent me a facebook message last week:

I'm sorry for not being the man I was supoosed to be. But I always did care about and like u. No bullshit, I like independent women and that's u. I jus wanna make it up to u. And that's on my life, I was just scared of u hurtin me. I was stupid, and I was just confused...I thought u didn't like me like that bc u never showed no affection towards me, but I always cared about u. Call me or text no matter what.

I was confused, like, ummm... I didn't know it was that serious but sure! Why not? It's freezing outside. It's nice to have sum1 you can just chill with when it's too cold to be running the streets. Like the whole "being the man I was supposed to be"? Confused me cuz I'm like "who the heck were you supposed to be?" I had no expectations of him really. It was summer time. I was dating like 10 dudes. Most of them didn't last. This 1 was kinda promising, but promising what, exactly? Like I said, no expectations. I'm just chilling! Enjoying my year away from school.

I guess "promising" means that he DIDN'T bore me to death due to an inability hold an engaging conversation, he didn't have baby mamas leavin voicemails on my phone, he didn't have felony charges which prevented him from making money and kept him basically immobile, and he's handsome. Kinda short, but still taller than me. What sucks is that he looks just like a grimy ex I had before. But he's been working out and starting to get swole... Basically, he's a cool dude. He has some issues though, but who doesn't. IDK. Who has time to give any of these dudes much thought. I also was confused about the affection thing... If I'm smiling and laughing with you, if I give you a hug when I leave ur presence, or if I'm spending a good deal of time on the phone with you... That's affection to me. Most dudes don't even get a second glance. I barely knew dude. I mean we had met probably over Christmas break last year and talked while I was in college and hung out this summer, but I hope that "affection" doesn't mean he was expecting me to sleep with him. We've never even talked about sex... That's the furthest thing from my mind with him. So I hope he don't think that's gon happen.

The 1 dude who tends to occupy a significant amount of my brainspace, IMO doesn't act like he wants it, so I've been making efforts to change that. I'd rather not really like any dude right now. It's so much easier. Like with the 1 person I actually want to like, has this wall up that I don't feel like breaking down. I just don't have the energy. If he made it seem like he wanted me 2 break it down, I might devote the time and effort, but he's been pretty self-centered. I feel as though I don't really know him anymore. I've expressed this to him, and IMO he hasn't made any efforts to change that, so I feel like he doesn't WANT me to know him anymore. I refuse to exert any more effort, though it's hard because I remember how things once were, miss them, and feel like if effort were exerted on both sides, they could be that way again, or even better. These things should come easily. I'm not exerting any unrequited effort.

Busy week ahead, but afterward I can just chill.

I may just have a car before February after all. I've found some really nice ones out there, but I need 2 be patient and make an informed decision. I did a lot of research this wknd.

My friend who was in the abusive relationship sent me an email, but I haven't verbally communicated with her in like 2 weeks. I'm sure she's going thru sumthin as a result of that relationship. Don't know if she made it out (like I said, saw him with her at church last week). Maybe she's trying to build the strength to get out, (the email was her new email address. She said the other one was no longer active, so maybe that was an effort to change her contact info and get away from dude. IDK. None of that is my concern any longer. I made a conscious effort to no longer be involved in even LISTENING to her talk about that because my compassion made me more angry at the way he was treating her than she was. So, I gave it up. Hope she made it out. Don't know, but that's a taboo subject between us. It sucks, because I feel that created a rift between us, but I take her emailing me her new email address as a sign that she still wants me to contact her. Also, she wanted to make plans for a spa party on NYD. We'll see how my $ is. My car and my bills are my #1 financialy priority right now.


I love my friends. I want them to be successful in their own right. I want them to accomplish every goal the have for their life. I feel like people are put in my life for me to help them in some way. It's kind of a burden sometimes. I'm learning to be more selfish, and to discern when a person really needs help, or needs a cold shoulder. Sometimes friends actually need a cold shoulder to figure things out on their own. That's what I wish for the ex bff... She has so much growing up to do. I was a crutch to her. She's gotta mature and figure it out on her own.

Waking up at 4:30 to get some work done before I get dressed for work... Peace.

Damn!

I'm so contradictory concerning this certain person. It's like, I want them in my life one day and the other I wanna run them over with a car, but I still want them there. Uggghhh... Spending time with them makes me feel so good. Like SO good. I almost couldn't tear myself away this weekend. But of course I didn't wanna wear out my welcome. And I was hungry, shoot! Who wants to turn down Thai food?

I wish I knew what was going on in his head. I think I got caught being a stalker. Lol. I don't even try to hide it anymore. People do things that warrant stalking. If I can' get the information I want from you, I'll find other ways to get it! (Which may or may not work, cuz myu stalking attempts didn't work so well this past week or so). And I really don't feel bad stalking when someone deserves it. I also have no problem admitting that I've stalked, when asked. It is what it is.

Anyway, back to more important things... And the aforementioned is NOT an important thing... Sometimes I wish it were, and then others I'm glad it's not.

Church was about relationships today. My friend in the abusive relationship went to the altar. Her demon followed her up there too. Probably thought she was gonna freak someone up there and had to make sure she didn't. I need 2 figure how 2 post the videos from the sermons online.

Anyway, I think my friend saw me, but is ashamed that she went back AGAIN after making a big deal about not ever doing so again. She looked down immediately. I think the demon saw me, too, but I intentionally avoided eye contact, because I didn't have my bow and poisonous arrows to shoot him between the eyes.

I will keep my comments to my self. I want my mouth to be a well of life. So I'm kinda done with this topic... I enjoyed myself this weekend. Being mobile is so empowering. Can't wait until I have a car of my own.

That is all.

Love Lockdown

I'm not lovin you (the)
Way I wanted to
I bet no one knew
I got no one new
No, I said I'm through
But got love for you
But I'm not lovin you (the)
Way I wanted to.

Gotta keep it goin
Keep the lovin gone
Keep it on the road
Only God knows
If I'll be with you.
Baby, I'm confused.
You choose.
You Choose.



Umm... Yeah...?

Not Trying is Worse Than to Stumble and Fall

Ugh!

I am THOROUGHLY disgusted with a certain person right now.

Seriously, refusal to text back or return phone calls really burns me up. I don't give a DAMN what you're going thru. That sounds insensitive. I mean to say, most people are not experiencing something that I consider extreme enough to make the decision to never respond to me. When ppl contact me that I really don't wanna talk 2 at the moment, I just shoot a text saying that I'm really busy, or goin thru some things and don't feel like talking. Why leave someone in the dark when its obvious they're reaching out to you? What a bastard move... Back to the whole B.S. thing I mentioned earlier, I wouldn't be callin your @$$ if I thought there were a reason that calling you should be unreciprocated for any reason. If I'm callin your @$$, it's because you left me with the impression that you wanted to ensue some sort of communication. I'm mainly talking about a male associate, though I still despise it when female friends do it too.

Seriously, we're all walking around with PDAs and/or some pretty advanced phones. Everyone has some form of access to the internet as well. This means that there is a pretty large list of ways to communicate with people. NOBODY is that busy.

Even when I call my male friend, who in most cases IS that busy, with all the events he has, and meetings he's in at any given moment, he'll at least call back a few days later. And of course I'm not gonna question what he's been up to, either. I may joke that I'm upset that I received no call/text back when I wanted it, but that is usually only when I wanted something somewhat important at that particular moment, and his call/text back arrived too late. At least he respects me enough to get back 2 in a timely manner! And weeks later when you randomly decide that there's something YOU want from ME is not a timeley manner. 3 days, a week, TOPS (for extreme cases) is about as long as I feel it should take.

I have a friend who owes me money... Her @$$ ain't answerin calls cuz she know she owe me, and I didn't even call her about the money! Then there's this other person, who I'm seriously never contacting again... I feel completely disrespected and outright disgusted at their refusal to return my communication.

When I look back at the friendships I've terminated this year, it's all been due to an outright REFUSAL to communicate with me about something I considered important. I'm realizing that's a major pet peeve of mine.

I do realize that I have not been 100% at communication in the past. I belive this is because I may have been confused about what I was trying to get across. If someone ever suggested that something was important, I'm pretty sure I've made sure to reciprocate their communication attempts.

So honestly, I don't even want to be bothered! I have random urges to call back to back at 3 am starting drama, (sigh... My mother's genes are so hard to suppress sometimes) or send an email alerting the person to the fact that I'm annoyed by their refusal to communicate. But then I realize there's no point to either! Why send an email that will probably also go unanswered? Just to get my point across? So what. If they cared about what I had to say, they woulda called my @$$ back in the 1st place!

A friend that I've been getting more and more cool with made a remark about leaving these 2008 niggas in 2008. And by niggas, I mean male and female, because although I dislike the usage of the word, there are some niggerish people of both sexes out here. I'm so serious about that.

Like, seriously, if you have brought me to the point where I'm praying for God to remove all feelings I ever had for you from my life, you're out. Don't bring your @$$ around trying to contact me in 2009 cuz you're bored, or because you suddenly realiz that you miss our friendship. These people have a one month window to correct their tomfoolery, because once the new year hits, if significant measures to prove that they are in this friendship for the BOTH of us are not taken, they're dead to me. If I answer my phone in 2009, it will be to tell they @$$ that I've written them off, and they don't have to worry about ever contacting me again.

Communication is so easy! So based on past scenarios where I've ended up with a broken heart, I choose to take all refusals to communicate effectively and equally as a "Phuck you. I don't care about you, and I'll only contact you when I want something from you or when I'm bored out of my mind and have exhausted all other options". I'm sorry. I won't be able to fill that position in anyone's life anymore. Kick rocks.

Seems to Hate Us...

This song is gospel to me right now... Some girl animated it in a really cute way on YouTube, but that video was removed :-( So I'm replacing it with this 1.



The line that gets me is: "Why does it seem like those who give in; they only end up losing a friend?" Even in situations where it wasn't established that 2 people were "in love" per se, you still can love a friend because you care about them and stuff, and then like them a lot, either romantically or just in friendships... So I'm scared of liking people because I don't wanna lose anymore friends. If I just don't care much about any1 I should be straight, right... Maybe not.

On a related note... I was lost in my thoughts on the train this morning, (the handsome dude with locs that I have a secret crush on...lol...wasn't on there this morning.) I was thinking about relationships. My girlfriend and I went to my friend's launch party of his Thursday night networking socials at this relatively new nightclub. My friend who's social it was is very handsome. He also has a way with words. I'm sure that's the reason half the woman began coming to his weekly Tuesday events, which I've been to a couple of times.
Anyway, he was working the room, meeting and greeting people, because that's his life purpose. He believes in positive connections and relationships, helping eachother succeed in life. That's what his company is all about.
At one point, my girlfriend and I were sitting on a couch drinking and my male friend was talking to this woman across from us. My girlfriend commented that she would be upset with him for doing that when I was over here. I hate that type of stuff. #1, he's just my FRIEND. Neither of us even thinks of pursuing a relationship with the other (well, I HOPE he ain't thinking that way about me) and he can talk 2 whoever the hell he wants 2. #2, Even if he wasn't just my friend, (like my bf, or my more-than-friend-type-friend-and-we-both-have-feelings-for-eachother) he can still talk 2 whoever the hell he wants
2. I hate controlling relationships. I would never subject someone to one. I do cherish attention especially from someone I care about, but I am 23 years old and I work full-time. I don't need no man to be in my face all hours of the day, callin me all damn day. Don't get me wrong. I do like to spend time and talk to the guys I like, but life is busy! As long as a great level of communication is held, I think people need their damn SPACE. I would just resent someone who didn't want me to go out with my friends, and just be me! The problem with girls my age is they get in relationships and play married. They think this person has to become their whole life... NO, he's just a portion of your life, a portion that's only as big as YOU allow it to get. That's why people end up all lonely and heartbroken. That's why I did, shoot. Never again will I enthrall myself in someone to the point that I completely neglect my desires, my feelings, MYSELF! F that!

I also was train thinking about bs. Like the bs that guys say when you're spending time with them. Like why do they say it? Like if you don't mean ish, don't say it. Please. I hate liars. If I like U enough to be doing whatever with you, I'm sure I'd still continue doing it based on my affinity toward you which is not based on the bs you say to me. In fact, the bs makes me confused, and I probably won't want to have anything to do with you, ESPECIALLY when the bs you say to me when I'm with you COMPLETELY contradicts with the way you act when I'm not with you. You can't be hot and cold with me. It's possible to be hot all the time, even when I'm not around. Like dont say some shyt to me that seems like you have long-term goals with me, and then when we leave eachother's presence, you CLEARLY ain't got shyt to say to me! (Shown by the lack of attempts at communication or the refusal to even respond when I make a communication attempt.) See... just shut the f up... I probably wouldn't be making a communicaton attempt if you didn't give me a reason to believe that that's something you'd like. U think u're telling me something I wanna hear but you're really just ruining a good moment by telling me bs... Especially if our communication is already f-ed up to the point that it's futile to ask you what the f u said watever for and why you said it, because your @$$ will act like I'm either asking a dumb question, or will refuse to answer for whatever reason.

K. Enuff of my Friday morning train ride ranting.

I re-met a nice guy last night (met him at an earlier event my male friend promoted) and we had a really good conversation about independence in relationships. I also asked him what "love" means to him, since that's something I'm confused about. I don't understand how a guy can say "I love you" and treat you like shyt. Been tryna figure that out for about 4-6 years. His answer was interesting. He seems like cool peeps. AND when I expressed my love of food, he suggested that we go out to eat sometimes. Yay! Food is awesome. AND he's a hairdresser that works in a shop downtown, and offered me discounted services... Just like my aforementioned male friend said, it's all about utilizing your connections! ;-)

This economy sucks. My job's not doing the spa thing for Christmas anymore... I never went to a spa. I was looking forward to it. Instead, we're going out to lunch @ a nice restaurant, doing a grab bag/gift stealing thing (which should be fun) and then the founding partners are giving us each $150. Still very very nice. I appreciate it all... Guess It'll make sense to have the spa party I was planning for my friends for New Years eve after all! Maybe not. I'm budgeting to get a car by Feb, hopefully...

Let's Rewrite the End...

How much of a joke is actually a joke? Do drunken minds really speak sober thoughts? A friend said something the other night when we were together that made me wonder where his head is... A simple one-liner that contradicts with some things he's said before. Completely caught me off guard. Looked in his eyes, but couldn't tell what he was really thinking, at least where that comment was concerned. I wanted to call his bluff, (1. After some things he's said, why would that thought ever cross his mind to even say out loud, 2. So many unsaid things need to be discussed before we could even get to the point where that's a semi-realistic thought to even begin to entertain) but why ruin a beautiful moment by asking a follow-up question that could cause tension?

Hadn't seen him in 6mos. Seemed like he was so happy to see me when we finally met up. Coulda just been excited anticipation. IDK. Don't wanna read too much into it, or the aforementioned comment. He was making other comments that kinda threw me off, but I don't want to try to interpret them. Spoke to him later that day and asked just how drunk he was when we were together... Didn't seem very drunk by actions, but his words made it seem as though he was not in his right mind. Maybe those are the kind of thoughts that vocalize after not seeing someone for 6 mos... If it's there, it'll come out eventually. Practicing patience in this area of my life. In the meantime, I'll let Mariah speak for me.

Bey is TOO serious!

You can't even embed the video from YouTube because she's gone so far to protect her copyright... Anyway, this song is SO hot, I'm ADDICTED. Ignore dude's wack @$$ rap!



THIS SONG IS SO HOT! And I'm not one of those people who listen to music without listening to the words... So clearly I like them too!

Laziness

So a couple friends and I were talking about laziness when it comes to opposite sex relationships... My 1 friend has had guys reach out to her, but she would just not call or text them back, and she said this is cuz she just dont have the energy. I guess I understand that to a certain extent. Like I was telling my friend today, I'm to the point where all that extra never seems to work out. So I'm not doing anything extra. I'm too lazy/tired to do anything xtra. If it doesn't come easy, it don't need to come at all.

But then I be thinking that it WON'T come easy, because I have this outlook that all these guys bore me. If they fine, they bastards. Or they dumb as rocks and not doing nothing with their life. If they are doing somethin, they're so hideous I couldn't bear to look at them. Everyone halfway decent is already in a relationship, and many of those who fall in the last group still don't CARE about their relationship, is even more of a turnoff. I'm tired of giving giving giving. I just want to receive. So if it doesn't seem that that's where something is headed, I'm instantly bored and lock that person into some category that minimizes their importance to my life.

Maybe I'll have a movie nite w/ my friend this week. He moves into his new condo. Maybe I'll be able to pick his brain more about how guys think, although he wasn't very helpful last time... I gotta find a way to get the secrets out... He was too guarded last time, talkin bout betraying his sex and stuff... I'm gonna figure this out 1 way or another.

The paralegal @ my job asked me what kind of guys I'm attracted to... I said "breathing". lol. She was trying to hook me up with her daughter's god daddy. He was attractive, (if I could get him to cut this stupid beard off his chin) but I wasn't interested, cuz he looked a lil jobless! lol. I didn't like how he dressed... Like a thug. I'm not attracted to that no more. Haven't been in years! All things "thug" make me run screaming in the opposite direction. I learned my lesson. My o.m. gon jump in like, uh-uh he ain't good enuff 4 her. And the paralegal gon say "I aint tryna find her a life partner! I'm just tryna get her some DICK!" (Ahhh the rare peaceful days when all the partners are out of the office)

I DON'T EVEN WANT THAT! I'm like, honestly disgusted. It would be nice to wait until I'm married to have sex, but... being (either negative or realistic) I doubt that'll happen. So I'll say that I want to wait until I have a strong mental, physical, emotional connection with someone b4 I engage in that kind of behavior. Otherwise, I'm seriously like ewwwwwwww! You want to do WHAT? With WHAT? and put it WHERE? And I'm supposed to LIKE that!? GROSS! Like I'm a little kid or something. I don't understand it. I used to be the type of girl who could just have casual sex... That's not me... Hasn't been for quite some time. The only result of that is an INSTANT feeling of disgust. Or, if I was trying to force myself to casually sex someone that I used to have feelings for, I realized that I still had feelings for them, and then THAT ish didn't work out, because I wasn't satisfied with the casual nature of the sex. Some of my friends are perfectly okay with the casual sex thing. It's just not me. I'm a failure at casual sex. So more often than not, I simply choose not to partake.

An acquaintance calls me every blue moon, but before he gets off the phone with me, he never fails to ask me who I'm f-in now... There seems to be an obvious ulterior motive in his asking... I find it funny. Glad to know that my sex life (or lack thereof) is of interest to you!

Eventually I'm gonna be too lazy to answer my phone. Especially for one acquaintance who crawls out from under a rock just to irritate me, and then disappear again. My friend and I both agree that they should never leave their rock. Poof... staygone!

If Only You Knew

So we're texting about marriage and (not really) love...

(Thoughts spurred by my experiences working at the divorce and family law firm and a drama-filled Thursday deposition in which we interviewed the girlfriend a husband is cheating on his wife with...

All 3 parties and their lawyers were present...

The husband was acting a fool and the WHORE's lawyer was trying to convince her that the wife was a horrible person for not wanting to befriend the WHORE... The nerve of some people.

I love my job...)

Anyway...

I share my newfound speculations about about marriage, cheating, and money.

You make a joke that if both the husband and wife are poor, they'll be poor together... Typical You...

I say that won't be a concern in MY marriage, because both of us will be wealthy...

You ask me if "by 'Us' I was referring to you and I"... Thereby incorporating yourself in my future fantasy. (Maybe not intentionally, but it happened)

The funny thing is that I WASN'T referring to you because I was more than half sleep, since it often takes you HOURS to respond to texts, even when continuing a text conversation...

My mind just wasn't thinking that deeply then.

However, I won't lie... I have wondered that about our future (specifically marriage) when things were going well between us, though I'd never tell you that

(at least not now, cuz I'm sure you'd handle it stupidly, and I see no point of even thinking of you in that way... Right now, I'm honestly content with rebuilding our friendship, if that's something you'd want to do)

and when you asked me that question you caught me off guard and made those old thoughts surface for a fraction of a second.

So I responded in my cryptic way that's not a lie and not the whole truth... Most people never catch on (or never care, lol) and I'm usually never asked to clarify what I meant.

"I'm referring to my future husband and I"...

That left the window open... If you still want a place in my fantasy, it's yours... If you're my future husband... Otherwise, I'm not referring to you, Honey.

And of course my overanalytical mind wonders why you'd even think that there's a possibility that I'd be reffering to you? And even if you thought it, why you'd alert me to the fact that the possibility crossed your mind?

Does this mean you've wondered about me in this way before!?

I crack up when I think back to the very first time it crossed mine... I crack up... You'd probably misread it and be upset.

And then I roll over and go back to sleep, in disbelief that I still wake up out of my sleep to answer my phone for you at 1:30 in the morning... ESPECIALLY just a text...

Now I'm wondering how you're doing tonight... right this very second. Sleep well... Sweet dreams... Maybe we'll communicate this week... Maybe not...

Can't Do This Thing Called Life W/o You Here W/Me

I was mad at God... All weekend. But one of my Pastor's major themes is "When I think of the Goodness of Jesus and All that He's done for me... basically I can't help but praise Him." I felt so bad, because something I asked him to do within the next 2 weeks, he's doing it, but I got mad at him for not doing something I asked. I kept telling him I was so disappointed and I wanted Him to make me feel better, but it didn't happen until I went to church today. I was so mad at Him that I broke a promise I made to Him...

The message was about the Holies of Holies, and about how God ripped the veil back in the day from top to bottom to show that we never need a middleman to come into His presence; we can worship Him and get there ourselves. Then, during worship today (which was awesome... Definitely ran to the altar and laid on my face...) I was crying because I felt bad for getting mad at God. Pastor Hannah mentioned Proverbs 3:5... After reflection tonight, here it is in the KJV. (With a lil' extra...)

5.Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
7.Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
8.It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.
9.Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase:
10.So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.

I have to learn to trust God completely. I also asked him to help me to hear and know His voice, because I get confused... The above scriptures are like the bomb in the Message Bible... I think I'm gonna buy that Bible to supplement my study:

5.Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.
6.Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.
7.Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!
8.Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!
9.Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.
10.Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.

I'm still believing Him for my Ephesians 3:20 blessing:
KJV:
Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think , according to the power that worketh in us,

The Message:
God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.


I used to hate when ppl remixed secular songs into Christian songs, but during worship, this young man played the violin, and one of the worship leaders sang a version of Beyonce's Dangerously in Love... Man... It was kinda awesome... I started crying harder...

All that for this?

Why is facebook worth billions of dollars?

Is it really that serious? Where is all this money coming from? Advertising?

Livin 4

I really like this song... "Livin 4" by J. Moss It makes me think of a certain someone... I really miss this person and I really wish we could be good friends... Problem is, the sexual chemistry I feel with him is greater than I've ever felt in my entire life. So, I guess, until we can sit down and talk about some things, until I can get rid of my feelings for him both romantic and sexual, I shouldn't try to get close to him... I might mess up... IDK... It sucks though because it's more than just sexual desire... I actually still have feelings for him. So that part wants to be able to just pick up the phone and call him like back in the day... But then my conscience 1. Doesn't want to get hurt and 2. (even though this should be #1, I'm being honest right now) Needs to make sure that I'm presenting my body as a living sacrifice to God, as in Romans 12:1... This song really hits home...

Muziq

Friday night boredom. Coulda gone out but I hate The Boutique... I've been up since 6am, so I prefer to spend this Friday night in my bed with my doggie... Responding to this questionaire that I found in another blog, while reminiscing and listening to music.

1. Song that makes you dance, no matter what:
"Get Me Bodied" - Beyonce... I can be sleep in the club... When this comes on, I just have to get up & bounce my booty... esp. when they play the extended remix

2. Song you'd use to tell someone you love them:
"Love" -Destiny's Child... OR "A Gift From Virgo" - Beyonce... Maybe both songs back to back... If I could sing, my future husband (wherever the hell he is) would be serenaded with the latter at my wedding.

3. Song that has made you sit down and analyze the lyrics:
I analyze the lyrics of EVERY song, but... Lyrics that make me think deeply... Hmm... "I Want My Destiny" - Fred Hammond... If I'm reading on the train and this song comes on my iPod, I can't even focus because I'm focusing on the lyrics in relation to my life. OR "Everything I Am" - Kanye OR "Tears Dry On Their Own" - Amy Winehouse

4. Song you like that a two-year old would like:
"Anyone Else But You" -Moldy Peaches

5. Song that gives you an energy boost:
"Freaks of the Industry" - Digital Underground

6. A song you and your grandparents would like:
IDK... Some ol' school gospel.

7. Song you really liked when you were in high school that you still like now:
"F*ck Them Other Hoes" - Khia
"Do-Wop (That Thing)" - Lauryn Hill
"Last Night" - Az Yet
"Bump, Bump, Bump" - B2k (yeah... sorry...)

8. A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life:
Man! ! Um.... " Resentment" - Beyonce

9. Peppy song that would start the opening credits in the movie of your life:
"Fergielicious" OR "London Bridges" - Fergie

10. A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess you liked:
"Goodbye" - Moldy Peaches

11. Song you think should have been playing when you were born:
"Heaven" - Jamie Foxx

12. Favorite duet artists:
IDK. There aren't many duet artists in my generation... Favorite Duet Song would prolly be "Til The End Of Time" - Beyonce and Justin

13. A favorite song you completely disagree with:
"And I Am Telling You" - Jennifer Holiday/Hudson (I'm sorry... I'm not finna stay around getting obviously played and I'm not finna beg nobody to love me... phukk you, Nigga!) "Knock It Out" - Yung Joc

14. Song that you like despite the fact that your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it:
"Lookin A$$ Nigga"... Instant Blondification... Especiallly the remix w/ R. Kelly

15. Smooth song for relaxing:
Just about the whole Floetry Flo'Ology Album...

16. A song you would send to someone you can't stand:
"Fancy" - Destiny's Child or if I REALLY dislike them... "Do Ya Bad" - Yung Joc

17. Favorite political track:
Jesus Walks (I know... Not really political, but IDK...)

18. Favorite track from a band considered a "super group":
WTF is a super group?
Maybe "Celebration" -Kool and the Gang... (Don't ask).

19. A song that makes you reminisce about good times with a family member:
"Ribbons in the Sky" - Stevie Wonder (Mommy used to listen to him when I was young) and "Mo Money, Mo Problems" - Mase?(IDK... It reminds me of when my cousin and I used to hang out all the time).

20. Favorite song from a soundtrack:
Tie btwn "You're Just What I Need" from Bring It On and "Not Gon Cry" by Mary J. Blige from Waiting to Exhale and "Cell Block Tango (He Had It Comin)" from Chicago.

21. Your favorite song RIGHT now:
"Show Yourself Strong " - Fred Hammond

22. Song you would sing to an ex who scorned you:
Dang... I definitely have a whole playlist of these... "Bitter" - Chante Moore, "Stronger" - Christina Aguilera", "Bruised But Not Broken" - Joss Stone

Pastor H preached on this about a month ago and it struck such a chord with me that I bought the sermon on DVD! lol.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-7

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
4 Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, 5 Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, 6 Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 7 Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

I don't think that many people know what it means to love. I think many people say that they love others or they are in love with others, but they truly have no clue what it really means to love someone. I think love and forgiveness goes hand in hand. Verses 4-7 are the most striking to me; probably because they're sometimes confusing to me!

For example... "Love never gives up"... Love never gives up on WHAT, exactly? I have a friend who I is in a mentally and verbally abusive relationship, but she sticks around. I guess she thinks that since she "loves" dude, she should stay in the relationship believing that it will get better. I understand her naivete to a certain extent, but only because I have been there before. When you're in love with someone and have put a lot of time and energy into a situation, it's very difficult to turn away. So she innterprets this scripture to mean that love never gives up on the thing that one is in love with... I interpret it to mean love never gives up on... love. Like even though I've been hurt so badly, and though I may have my issues with the male sex, I don't give up on love because I am sure that somewhere is the perfect person for me... IDK.

And then what's with the "Love cares for others more than for self". I think that this does make sense because it leads to selfless friendships and relationships, but what if the other person doesn't really love you? What if it's a phoney friend who shows you love just until it's no longer convenient for them to do so? Are you supposed to selflessly love this friend who hurt you so much that you put your own feelings aside and continue allowing them to hurt you? When does the concept of loving one's self take precedence? This is problematic for me because it has the ability to contradict with the notion of loving another more than one's self. I mean, I"m sure that it's possible to do both, but I think that's when the concept of FORGIVENESS comes in!

One thing I've learned is that many people in this world just don't know how to forgive. I'm the type of person, who, if hurt by someone and presented with what appears to be a GENUINE apology, will forgive that person, no matter how much pain they have caused! I've done it with my mother even though she STILL puts me through all hell at times, I've done it with tried and true friends (again... respect is IMPERATIVE for success in this area) I've even forgiven a girl who was an accomplice to the person who inflicted so much pain on me that I still struggle with it at times... I think that's what the scripture meant when it says "Love doesn't keep score of the sins of others". The aforementioned friend cheated on her boyfriend and TOLD him. (Now, I'm an advocate for total honesty, but based on past experiences, I don't think guys our age... and even older guys... can handle total honesty about certain things.) He clearly has insecurity issues based on the way he berates and belittles her, and the way he treated her even before she cheated or admitted to doing so... That's not my point... Nor yet, anyway... But they're supposedly "working out their relationship" but every chance he gets, he throws her confession in her face, and snoops in her fb, myspace, and emails without telling her (even going so far as to change her passwords when he can't get in, which is dumb as hell because she's obviously gonna notice when she tries to log in) even though she's bending over backward to try to prove that she is sorry and faithful... What a total waste of time, IMO.
IDK why it's so easy for me to forgive ppl, but I think when I've decided to love someone and make them important in my life, I just want to forgive them. I'm learning that forgiveness is a rare virtue.. Not many possess the ability to truly turn the other cheek I believe I do a pretty good job of it but I haven't always felt that the favor has been returned. I have an ex-friend whom I hurt in the past when I couldn't be for him something that he wanted because I was in pain and trying to deal with the situation which caused me this pain and to remove myself from it so as NOT to hurt him. Now, I see where he's coming from but I feel that 1. It's unfair that I can see and accept his side; his feeliings about the situation but he will not; 2. He's kinda naive for thinking that it would have been that easy for me to do, and 3. We could still be friends if he were willing to be an adult, face/talk to me about the hurt that IMO he still feels concerning the situation instead of running from the conversation whenever it has the potential to arise or alluding to it or briinging it up in RANDOM scenarios that have really nothing to do with it so he can take cheap shots which are meant to hurt me and then quickly changing the subject. I feel that His refusal to deal with the issue and completely forgive me (for something I don't really feel responsible for... I was hurt and I was weak... I was incapable of doing what he wanted me to do when he wanted me to do it.) has been the downfall of our friendship. I admit that I made some mistakes, but the fact that he refuses to forgive me and appears to still hold this grudge (even though he may not realize that this is what he's doing) makes it hard to reconnect with him and even easier to make detrimental mistakes.Whatever.. I cannot change another person's mind, so this situation definitely is what it is, and that's what it will continue to be because of the stubbornness of the other person...

Which brings me back to my original point. Maybe the ability to put one's stubbornness aside is what is meant by putting others first. It takes a lot of selflessness to swallow one's pride and reach out to someone who is too prideful to do it themself./0

"Doesn't revel when others grovel". That's probably the one thing I have an issue not doing.. When people hurt me, I have noticed myself, out of revenge, wishing bad things would happen to them. I konw this is wrong. It's something I'm working ont. I guess if I truly forgive someone, this wouldn't happen... IDK.

I still think I'm better than most at this forgiveness game... I can only think of one person who I truly struggle with and have not forgiven... This person also has not given me a sincere apology for hurting me, and I never got the chance to fully communicate to this person just how much pain their actions caused. The sucky part is that neither of things will probably happen, so I have to figure out how to forgive this person without any positive action on their part.

Ummmm.... Oops

*Warning* This post is rated G for slightly gross! lol.

So... tonight I was watching a movie with my friend because our movie night got cancelled last Friday and he has his daughter this whole weekend. (I kept my promise to myself!) He was laying on his back and I was on my stomach, so my head was like near his stomach and his head was in the same position near me, except we were propped up on pillows. Sporadically, he would reach over and rub my back or my legs. And he think he slick, the one time he "casually" rubbed my hair. He's played in my hair before, but this time I know he was checkin for tracks! (Good weaves are one of God's many blessings!)

So... I had had an upset stomach all day. Usually it comes out silently, and had been silent for the duration of the movie. One particular time (he wasn't rubbing me at this point) I passed gas thinking it would be silent... It wasn't... I never pooted in front of him (not audibly) so IDK if he heard. I didn't know if I should excuse myself or play it off, so I just tried to do the latter. I just kept watching the movie.

He didn't bring it up, so... Maybe he DIDN'T hear... Although I don't know how he coulda missed it!

But then there was this awkward silence. (Maybe I'm paranoid... We were mostly silent anyway cuz we were watchin a movie!) And I did notice that he had stopped rubbing...

Maybe he was just enthralled in the movie! lol...

If someone farted in front of me, I would just tease them to death!

He did give me a big hug when he was leaving and told me that my weave looked good while suggesting regular movie nights on his way out the door. I feel like he's silly, so he woulda brought up the um... slip-up and joked about it... Unless he's one of those ppl who is squeamish about bodily functions! lol.

Whatever... People fart.

Fairytales...

I think I did well on my test yesterday. I'm excited to receive my score report in 3weeks.

I finally watched the Sex and the City movie tonight while my bff fixed my weave. It made me all sad and stuff. Every character had a perfect fairytale ending, except maybe Samantha, and to her, that may have been a perfect fairytale ending for her.

Jenifer Hudson's character was interesting because she talked about how the man she loved had really hurt her, but that wasn't going to make eher give up on love. It made me think about my own "love?" life. I kind of made the same resolution for myself, but it's easy to see how people become bitter. I don't think it's right for people to become bitter when the person who hurt them is reaching out to apologize. I think forgiveness is key. But the two parties need to be willing to forgive eachother. In the movie, Miranda's husband cheated on her, but I don't think it's fair for her to have been witholding sex from him simply because she was too absorbed in her own life. I don't justify his cheating, but I feel she should have examined herself before she became so angry with him. The good thing is that at the end of the movie, they forgave eachother and reunited the family. IDK how common that is in real life... Especially if it had been Miranda cheating. I think men have such fragile egos, that many things they do to women are "unforgiveable" when they would expect forgiveness from women if the tables were turned.

In church today, we moved into our new building. The message was about how God will move us into an uncomfortable place while he prepares the place that he has for us. Pastor mentioned that God will isolate us and cause relationships to break down so that he can have us to Himself. I have heard this many times before from different sources, and I also notice that when I'm hurt by some fool in this world, I do tend to run to God. So now I'm working on my relationship with God even though I'm not really at a loss for friends right now. I do cherish the friends that I have though. I can pretty much tell the ones that will be around for the rest of my life... It's all about RESPECT. The movie made me think of where my closest friends and I will be when we are in our 40s...

I'm pretty happy. There are a couple of areas that could use some improvement, but... I just may not be ready for some of the things I desire right now. "How is God supposed to take me where he wants me to be, if I'm busy looking back at where I've already been?" I believe God has so much in store for me; I just need to be patient and stop missing things from my past. In some aspects of my life, I'm in my uncomfortable place, but I believe that will just make my blessing even more wonderful when I finally receive it.

I need to work on my anger. I get mad and I yell and cuss. I'm learning to keep my cool. My Pastor says we should learn to worship when we are upset, instead of just when we're happy... I'm getting there.

The movie made me want to talk to a guy and figure out what they think and why they do the things they do, but I don't really think they think. I think they're selfish and the only thoughts they have concern how they can make themselves most happy. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood right now, but some changes need to be made. I'm not going to be nice and thoughtful. I think it's hight time I go back to being selfish. Selfish was working for me. Whenever I decided to be all doting and caring, it blew up in my face.

I feel somewhat contradictory. I would like to have guy friends to date and hang out with, but hanging out with guys that I don't like annoys me and then they get all attached and I'm just irritated by their presence. So clearly I would prefer to do these things with someone I like, but I don't want to like anyone because I don't want to get my life treated. I think the best love grows out of friendship, so I'm just working on establishing good friendships with my guy friends for now. By the time I meet the man God wishes to be my husband, I'll have learned how to really be friends with men with no unnecessary extra, and then the pure friendship can turn into something more, I guess.

The court reporter we use most of the time asked me if I had a bf, and when I replied, "no" she said "I don't blame you. Look at your selection. I feel bad for you young women". I feel bad for us too! I feel lonely sometimes because I miss having special guy friends... Then I think of the outcomes of the most recent situations where I actually cared for someone, and I look around at all my friends who are in relationships. (Nobody's happy except my friend who just got married. And her guy is 10 yrs older I think... Which I used to think meant that they were more mature and serious when it came to emotions and relationships, but now I'm learning age means nothing because the closest thing I have to a special guy friend right now is 13 years older than me, and though he says he "just hasn't found a woman he wants to marry yet" I believe it's really that he has NO intention of getting married any time soon because he still LOOKS young, and is VERY attractive.) If relationships are about lying and not trusting eachother, stunting your personal growth, and suppressing your own desires in favor of the other person's to your own detriment, I really don't need one. That's all I see in the relationships of my friends (except the married one). The disrespect is just outright HORRIBLE. I wish I would let someone talk to me crazy or put their hands on me.. I am so drama-free (and have been for quite some time) that I just don't even want that mess in my life.

I think guys get in relationships for 2 reasons. 1. Either they realize that suddenly they're not as attractive as they could be and need to finally embrace someone who actually cares before they miss their chance or 2. They've been hurt and want to exact revenge on the person who hurt them or validate themself by getting into a relationship to prove to themself or others that someone does want them. I think these only come after they have had sex with all the girls who could possibly want them and this practice either becomes too stressful, too tiring, or no longer is "cool" as they see most of their guys enter meaningful relationships.

I think the male ego is very detrimental to what many of what could be great relationships. K. Enough male-bashing... (But I really don't have much hope for them.)


I'm glad I didn't see that movie with my mother like I had originally planned to. There was entirely too much sex in it. It wasn't like the show... I would have hated to watch that with her.

What a GREAT day!

My grandma forgot my birthday, but it's okay. I threw her off by telling her that Saturday was an important day (LSAT) so she conflated the days and thought my birthday was Saturday as well.

I feel like there are a lot of ppl in my corner who are believing that I'll do well on my test, and I'm excited.

I got slightly annoyed that I didn't hear from a certain someone for my birthday, especially since I put so much thought (and MONEY) into their present. Whatever. I would say they're officially dead to me, but that's not the Christian way to think, so I'll jsut say that I'm done trying to be their friend. The broken pieces of that friendship will remain on the floor... I don't even care to clean it up, figure out what went wrong, or try to put them back together... (Some ppl are so selfish.)

That's really the only downer about today. I had a GREAT birthday and I can't wait to celebrate next week with 20 of my friends... With all the great sentiments from the people who do love me, what sense does it make worrying about those who don't.

I'm SO glad I don't have to work tomorrow. I could really use the rest!

I bought some virgin Indian wavy hair today because it was on sale... I keep lucking up and finding high-end remy hair for less than beauty supply store remy prices.

My job bought me a DELICIOUS cake and sang to me. My o.m. told every1 that I'm taking the LSAT,and their words of encouragement seemed so sincere. I feel like God really has great things in store for my life, and He's just opening up doors for me.

My praise session this morning had me listening to the following throwback which really applies to the way I felt for a short time today:



this song really blessed me today! I'm amped about my LSAT, Saturday too!

THEY CRY TOO!!!!

I'm SOOO sensitive. IDK why I am. Maybe my past. Maybe how I grew up... During this year away from school, I hope to thicken my skin! I had a really bad day at work a couple weeks ago and that time they DID see me cry. (I wish I didn't cry when I am angry!)

But it's okay. I guess the tears affected them... We had a meeting about respect, and since then, everything's been PEACHY... Except for the small mistakes I keep making in some of my legal duties (sucky, b/c there's very little room for error in this profession). I'm learning a lot. Thank GOD for my job. Exactly what I prayed for and then some... He is SO amazing... All the little interpersonal struggles are teaching me not to take things personally, but I honestly love the intimate nature of my environment. I'm learning so much about not only my future profession, but about how to deal with different kinds of ppl, what makes them tick, and other things. White ppl are interesting... $400 on a "brazilian hair straightening" and a haircut... Girl... I could slap a perm in that is for $5... I wonder what it's gonna look like?

We drew grab bag names... I wonder what I'm gonna buy my person?

Birthday is 2 days away... They're gonna order me a cake at work! YAAAYYY... Yes, I'm a fat kid and yes, I love cake...

Postponing the b-day celebration to next wk... Reservations already made... 18 friends joining me on my outing (and maybe a couple more last-minute chicas who don't know if they'd be in town b/c the alma mater's homecoming is that wknd)

Repairing relationships... I have a tendency to be friends w/guys I used to talk to... But only if I didn't have strong feelings for them... If I did, that doesn't work out so well... Except in one case and he's definitely in jail now... Need 2 write him a letter. I miss him and we were getting really close before he went away :-(

Today, while half-gossipping, half-deciding the holiday schedule (PAID wk btwn Christmas and NY! Whoo-hooo... Wanted to go on a tropical trip but the special some1 I WANTED to go with suddenly seems quite a bit LESS special to me after this wknd...) with the paralegal and the office manager, (hereinafter, O.M.) one of the associates got yelled at by the partner. She yelled back a little, but then 1 of the founding partners rushed in and closed the door. They yelled a bit more, and then the associate went in her office and closed the door.

I was in the intern's office later when said associate came in to discuss a case with her... Associat'es face was all red and puffy... She'd been crying... This was SO interesting to me... At least she has an office with a DOOR to close after she gets screamed at. Shoot. I couldn't hold back my tears when asked what was wrong on my really bad day and I cried in front of one of the partners... No doors at the front desk...

I felt bad for her and was comforted knowing that they make mistakes, get yelled at, and they cry too!

Crack

Gaining weight = bigger curves... Squeem thingy makes the curves look even better. Thinkin bout "corseting" but that's pretty extreme... Y don't I just take my fat @$$ outside and run? B/c I don't wanna lose my booty! :-) I'm not that fat anyway, and my clothes have never fit better. Besides, I'd rather be happy and chubby than depressed and anorexic... Been there before... Don't wanna go back... It's amazing how sadness can make one lose their appetite...

In the past month:

appx $600 on clothes
btwn $200-300 eating restaurant food
$159.99 on 16" curly Remy hair
appx $200 getting hair cut and installed (self-installs are a goal of the near future... Maybe granny will do the braids)
$62 on a birthday present that I feel could have been more appreciated ("A mistake of a turn, but I call it a lesson learned" --A. Keys)
$285 on a birthday reservation for 19 friends (which is slowly being reimbursed...)
$30 on a Squeem thingy
Who knows what else?

I needa keep better track of my monthly expenditures...
The colder fall weather makes me happy because I can wear my new trench coat. And all my fancy tights... I'm scared of the freezing weather though...

Shopping is an expensive addiction. I think it's worse than crack.

Destiny

These thoughts remind me of a friend's post about coincidences, but basically, I wonder about the effect of destiny on one's life. For instance, I'm a strong believer that the way a person thinks or feels about a person or situation can dictate the outcome of the relationship or situation. More specifically, if one maintains a negative attitude about something or someone, their encounters with that person or thing may always produce undesirable effects. But what if it doesn't? Say you are forced to constantly see/interact with a person you just don't like but one day, this person either offers a much-deserved apology, or says something that makes you question whether this person should be so hated. All of a sudden, you may develop a more favorable opinion of this person, right? So does that mean that you intended for this person to apologize so that you could like them better? That deep down you wanted this to take place so that you could view this person in a better light? Or was this destiny playing itself out completely separate of your desires and intentions? Or is one's destiny solely linked to their intentions, meaning that if you had been satisfied hating this person, they never would have apologized?

I think that we control our Destiny but that God ultimately controls it by giving us the desires that lead us to doing what he wants us to do.

With that said, I'm applying to some of the top 10 law schools, even though it may be a long shot. My mom's boss insinuated that he'd help me out financially if I get in, so why the heck not?

Leases have ended... I've been running into fellow alumnae left and right... I hope not to run into certain people, but then I envision the possibilities that could take place if I did. Had a great church sermon Sunday. I thank God for the lessons I've learned, and will continue to learn even if learning them hurt(s).

Random Ouch!

What an itchy weekend! A doctor-prescribed acne antibiotic broke me out in HIVES! (A word I did not know the meaning of until I actually GOT the bastards!) Anyway, a bus ride and a short walk to a ghetto doctor provided me with something to combat the allergic reaction. Hopefully it's completely gone in a few days.

Had a very humbling experience today after work while shopping for work clothes... Got about 10 pairs of pants and a couple shirts... Realized that I'm FAT and need to invest in Hip Hop Abs right away (Or steal the Tae-Bo DVDs that are collecting dust on my mother's entertainment center.)

At the end of work, today I had a meeting with the paralegal and one of the partners. I was horrified that they were gonna like, FIRE me or something. In fact, they did just the opposite. They praised the way that I'm progressing and turning their criticims into self-improvement (Yaaaay Me!) Then discussed the increasing legal responsibilities that they're gonna be giving me because I'm catching on so quickly. God is SO amazing!

What a great turnaround from last week, in which I was insulted and berated to the point of tears for making honest mistakes that ANYONE would make in their first 2 weeks. (I ain't let them see me cry, though.) After my horrible day at work (Thursday) I went to my "friend"?'s (That word takes on so much meaning these days. I prefer to use "associate", but it's 3 whole more syllables!) house where I received a pep talk about CERTAIN people's intentions in the corporate world. He informed me that as the CEO of his company, he doesn't have time to yell at/belittle the people who work way below him, and the fact that these two attorneys treat the low man on the totem pole (myself) like crap at any given moment shows a faulty power structure within the company. This may very well be true, but the million dollar clients and the reputation of the firm aid in not discouraging me from wanting to work for them in the future! Shoot.

Plus, I'm entitled to my one moment of weakness, and if there's anything I'm learning from relationships, it's how to develop a thick skin. Everything I've been through has prepared me to humbly accept their criticsm unless it becomes mentally damaging. I don't think it can though. I've been through worse. I don't like being yelled at, but at least I know it's not just me. I was warned by the paralegal, office manager, and one of the associates that one is a "screamer" and one is a "bitch". Words from their own mouths.

It is what it is. My new philosophy. And if it doesn't benefit me to change it, it will remain what it is. I had a great time at church Sunday. Found a new favorite gospel song. "Surgery" by L. Spencer Smith. "Lord, I admit I need you to do surgery on me!"

I'm changing my relationships. Looking for friends who are into the same things as I. Intellectually stimulating activities for evenings and weekends, not just club-hopping. I've been wanting to go to a comedy show and a spoken word set. I thought I would ask the aforementioned "friend"? to take me Sunday, but I didn't hear from him in time, so oh well. Not having a car sucks, because if I did, I wouldn't have a self-imposed sunset curfew... I just can't be out here on the bus at night. Not in this neighborhood. Not alone. Not with the "abandoned" building next door, through the window of which I saw a naked man walking around and heard rumors that a lady was dragged inside and raped... NOPE... Sunset Curfew 'til I get my car... February's my goal. At least I can enjoy total freedom NEXT SUMMER...