Focus

There are so many distractions in the world. So many things to occupy your brain space... Or your time, cuz not all these distractions require you to actually THINK.

The ex bff contacted me last weekend, when I was at a Thai restaurant with my friends, talkin bout "her boyfriend told her to give me my money back" (showing she still can't assume responsibility for her actions) and sayin that she just wanted to put that in my head (wth?) and that she would come by last Saturday morning to bring me my $ and perhaps talk about our friendship, b/c even tho words were spoken, she realized that good friends like me don't come around twice.

I was very short with her. I was out at the freaking Thai restaurant with other friends. I told her, I'm not even dealing with this right now, you can call me when you're on the way with my $. She sent me picture mail of professional photos taken of her daughter. Im like wtf? Why are you contacting me? I sent a message back sayin "very cute" but seriously, where my $85 @ if U got $ 2 be takin professional photos?

Like now that I'm learning how to push people out of my life, I'm pretty good at keeping them out unless I want them there. When I told her to never contact me again unless it was solely about my $ I meant it. Now, I'm not an evil person. I'm willing to hear her out, if she wants to admit her fault and apologize but it doesn't even seem like she GETS why I told her to get out of my life in the first place. I DON'T TRUST HER. That she was able to tell such a HUGE lie to me and try to continue it just removes all her credibility. So if she had come over apologizing first for lying, and then all that other stuff came behind, I could possibly begin speaking to her again, but I don't see how the friendship could ever be the same unless she is able to win my trust back. I was helping my mother that Saturday, and so when she called to say she was down the street from my house (rude... U don't know what I'm doing so don't assume that I'm automatically available when you call me at the last minute... You no longer get those bff priveleges.) I was helping my mother move some things in her apartment. Now, what she could have done was hung out in the city, or come and talk to me while I was doing these things, but she was just like, "oh I'll call later". Never called. I texted Monday like, "you never called back" She said she never returned to the city. It's now the following Sunday. Last I knew, she worked in the city each night. If she really wanted 2 return my $, she could have. Not making a very convincing case for herself.

Made our NYE plans. If I'm driving by then, I may leave the restaurant, go to church and bring in the NY in His face, and come back to our hotel to hang. If not, I have to cut church out, but I'm tired of cutting God out of my NYE plans simply because I have no car.

I've had a headache all day. My friend called and woke me and it's been hurting since then. Gonna take some aspirin and go to bed in a few mins.

Been hanging out a lot with this new girl. Don't know how I feel about that. I mean she real cool, but some questionable things have happened, which have threatened drama concerning this dude that she was talking to. She was all insecure because the bastard suggested that he had plans to sleep with me (plans of which I knew nothing) and so she was all scared that I was going to act on them. I'm like, dudes wanna sleep with me all the time. U should be secure enough in WHATEVER you and dude have and whatever friendship you're trying to build with me to trust that I'm not on that. And if you think I'm that kind of girl, why hang out with me? I'm all for cutting ppl out when they suggest drama in my life. But she's cool. I believe that brief annoyance is over, because I just said forget dude, even though he's cool, it ain't that serious, especially since I met both of them at the same time, only a few months ago. Esp. after she told me the comments he made about my body and how he sounded so sure that he was going to sleep with me. (Why would you tell a girl you supposedly "love" your plans of sleeping with another girl? Bastard)

I think it's the cultural difference of not being from Chicago that makes a little tension. She doesn't think the same as me about certain things but that's part of the process of getting to know eachother. She has a cute 10yr old daughter. They met me at church today, and she was crying. I hope that's a good sign. I was praying that God spoke to her today because when I invited her to church before, things happened to prevent her from making it or staying, though her daughter had previously attended children's church and loved it. I feel like when you REALLY need to be in church, the Devil does things to prevent you from getting what you need.

Went on a date last night. With a guy I was dating this summer. He lives like 4-5 blocks away. We just stopped speaking and I was like whatever. Wasn't that serious. But he sent me a facebook message last week:

I'm sorry for not being the man I was supoosed to be. But I always did care about and like u. No bullshit, I like independent women and that's u. I jus wanna make it up to u. And that's on my life, I was just scared of u hurtin me. I was stupid, and I was just confused...I thought u didn't like me like that bc u never showed no affection towards me, but I always cared about u. Call me or text no matter what.

I was confused, like, ummm... I didn't know it was that serious but sure! Why not? It's freezing outside. It's nice to have sum1 you can just chill with when it's too cold to be running the streets. Like the whole "being the man I was supposed to be"? Confused me cuz I'm like "who the heck were you supposed to be?" I had no expectations of him really. It was summer time. I was dating like 10 dudes. Most of them didn't last. This 1 was kinda promising, but promising what, exactly? Like I said, no expectations. I'm just chilling! Enjoying my year away from school.

I guess "promising" means that he DIDN'T bore me to death due to an inability hold an engaging conversation, he didn't have baby mamas leavin voicemails on my phone, he didn't have felony charges which prevented him from making money and kept him basically immobile, and he's handsome. Kinda short, but still taller than me. What sucks is that he looks just like a grimy ex I had before. But he's been working out and starting to get swole... Basically, he's a cool dude. He has some issues though, but who doesn't. IDK. Who has time to give any of these dudes much thought. I also was confused about the affection thing... If I'm smiling and laughing with you, if I give you a hug when I leave ur presence, or if I'm spending a good deal of time on the phone with you... That's affection to me. Most dudes don't even get a second glance. I barely knew dude. I mean we had met probably over Christmas break last year and talked while I was in college and hung out this summer, but I hope that "affection" doesn't mean he was expecting me to sleep with him. We've never even talked about sex... That's the furthest thing from my mind with him. So I hope he don't think that's gon happen.

The 1 dude who tends to occupy a significant amount of my brainspace, IMO doesn't act like he wants it, so I've been making efforts to change that. I'd rather not really like any dude right now. It's so much easier. Like with the 1 person I actually want to like, has this wall up that I don't feel like breaking down. I just don't have the energy. If he made it seem like he wanted me 2 break it down, I might devote the time and effort, but he's been pretty self-centered. I feel as though I don't really know him anymore. I've expressed this to him, and IMO he hasn't made any efforts to change that, so I feel like he doesn't WANT me to know him anymore. I refuse to exert any more effort, though it's hard because I remember how things once were, miss them, and feel like if effort were exerted on both sides, they could be that way again, or even better. These things should come easily. I'm not exerting any unrequited effort.

Busy week ahead, but afterward I can just chill.

I may just have a car before February after all. I've found some really nice ones out there, but I need 2 be patient and make an informed decision. I did a lot of research this wknd.

My friend who was in the abusive relationship sent me an email, but I haven't verbally communicated with her in like 2 weeks. I'm sure she's going thru sumthin as a result of that relationship. Don't know if she made it out (like I said, saw him with her at church last week). Maybe she's trying to build the strength to get out, (the email was her new email address. She said the other one was no longer active, so maybe that was an effort to change her contact info and get away from dude. IDK. None of that is my concern any longer. I made a conscious effort to no longer be involved in even LISTENING to her talk about that because my compassion made me more angry at the way he was treating her than she was. So, I gave it up. Hope she made it out. Don't know, but that's a taboo subject between us. It sucks, because I feel that created a rift between us, but I take her emailing me her new email address as a sign that she still wants me to contact her. Also, she wanted to make plans for a spa party on NYD. We'll see how my $ is. My car and my bills are my #1 financialy priority right now.


I love my friends. I want them to be successful in their own right. I want them to accomplish every goal the have for their life. I feel like people are put in my life for me to help them in some way. It's kind of a burden sometimes. I'm learning to be more selfish, and to discern when a person really needs help, or needs a cold shoulder. Sometimes friends actually need a cold shoulder to figure things out on their own. That's what I wish for the ex bff... She has so much growing up to do. I was a crutch to her. She's gotta mature and figure it out on her own.

Waking up at 4:30 to get some work done before I get dressed for work... Peace.