Ambitious

Sometimes, I just sit in awe and think about all the great things God has done/is doing in my life.

My job matches every single qualification that I began praying for this time last year. I almost can't believe it. I prayed for specific things for specific reasons:

1. To work in a family or criminal law firm. (I wanted to make sure this is something I wanted to do for a significant amount of the rest of my life, and Intellectual Property and Personal Injury just aren't the type of lawyer I want to be so I wanted experience working in a field that I knew would attract me for a significant part of the rest of my life.)
2. To be making a certain salary AND have benefits.(I need to buy a car and I have other financial responsibilities. Plus, I wanted 2 have money 2 have fun, like travel or something on a whim.)
3. To be working closely with the lawyers and not just pushing paper and stuffing envelopes in some huge firm and never see my boss. (I wanted to be able to see the whole process from client intake to case completion. I wanted to spend time with the people in my future occupation and learn from them the subtle things that you just don't learn in law school.)
4. I wanted a congenial, fun office environment. (Self explanatory... Who wants to be bored to death at work.)

So I got them all. The divorce cases that my firm handles are all pretty well-to-do clients. (I mean, they have to be, when the partner billing rate is $450-$500/hr, the associate billing rate is $250-$300/hr, and the paralegal and I bill at $125/hr.) These people have huge amounts of assets and in some cases, huge marital debt, so the cases can get pretty convoluted. Add to that Chicago's corrupt politics which try to make a profit off of ANY exchange/acquisition of property that could possibly take place in marriage life, and you get these phenomenal taxes which impact the marital estate and make the case all the more cumbersome. For example, when transferring a 2.5 million dollar house from one spouse to the other, the city makes about 30k. Something like that. I don't know the exact numbers. How unfair! The amount of effort it takes to put into some of these cases means that in a WEEK a client's bill can skyrocket $10,000 more than the previous week, and I truly understand why the attorneys in my office can be stressed and cranky at times (and why there's a bottle of Ketel One in the freezer...) My bosses mentioned that I will be slightly more prepared for law school because I'll have a working knowledge of the progression of a case and I'll understand many of the terms and how they affect cases because I can apply them to my experiences, instead of just studying for memorization during law school.

My salary is great! I have another friend who is an entry-level paralegal and she's making way less than me w/o benefits. Her last firm was cheap too. I interviewed there but they were corrupt and just closed down and skipped town! I guess that's what happens when you work for cheap, corrupt personal injury ambulance chasing lawyers. I have medical and dental PPO and a vision discount. These are not deducted from my salary, but are cushioned by the firm. I also got a week's paid vacation from Christmas through New Years, so I didn't return to work until January 5th.

I was a little angry with my office manager when she told the whole firm that I was taking the LSAT the day after my birthday. I didn't want them to know that I am applying to law school because I was worried that I would be fired because they didn't want to train someone who would be leaving them next year. However, it's worked out in my favor because now that they know, they've put more pressure on me to perform well, and I think it's grooming me for the discipline and perfection that is needed to excelll in law school. Also, the 2 founding partners helped me with my personal statement and essays for my applications, which is great.

I LOVE the office environment. Though stressful at times, the environment is usually fun, especially when all the partners are away at court. Then all the crazy conversations ensue as my office manager and the paralegal try to hook me up with any eligible bachelor they know between age 25 and 35. Though I know that one should be wary of the personal relationships formed at work, my office manager is cool. Since she's only about 8 years older than me, she gives me all kinds of advice for the real world; not just at work. The paralegal does the same. One of my bosses is a gay middle-aged man... He is SO fun, spewing random phrases into our office gossip such as "if he wants a RIDE, he needs to come give you one!" (I'm not even going to go into why I was getting booty call advice from a partner! lol) The two founding partners are at retirement age. One is similar to my grandmother... Yell first, find out why later. She hurt my feelings during my first couple of weeks, but my skin is thicker, and I know how to interact with her. The other is SO cool (despite being in her 50s), and SO classy... She's seriously has so many qualities that I hope to possess by the time I'm her age.

The first founding partner, when giving me my Christmas bonus, told me that she sees ambition in my eyes. I took this as a compliment to work harder and only do better. I'd love to secure a good letter of recommendation by the time I have to tell them goodbye when I get accepted to law school.

My pastor's been preaching on favor. I really do feel favored, because a lot of opportunities I get, I do not necessarily deserve. I love it, though, and I really don't care to try to explain to others who try to wrap their brains around my success. I'm thankful because I couldn't have done many things without God, and if people refuse to accept this as an explanation, they don't matter. This is why I've chosen to not tell many people about my specific goals and ambitions. I don't want people cursing my destiny with their negativity. Some people are so miserable in their own lives that they just can't stand to see someone else obtain success...

The bad part is, though I'm grateful for the wonderful things God is doing in my life, I think I remain pretty humble. I hope that all of my friends find a way to be successful and follow their dreams. However, there are certain people who just can't seem to be totally happy in my happiness. The ex bff's mother called me the other night and told me that she finally spoke to the ex bff about why I haven't been around. The ex bff clearly still cannot take responsibility for her actions. She told her mother that I owe her money. Then she said there was a misunderstanding on my birthday weekend, and her phone was broken, but I didn't understand that and stopped being her friend... The final straw was when she said that I started acting funny when I got my new job...

Really? Acting funny? Those comments come from people who are dissatisfied with their own level of success (or lack thereof). People are a hot mess.

"Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as succes--yours or his"
--Franklin P. Jones

JESUS HELP ME

I'm so unfocused... I just need to get away from all humanity. Lock myself in a room with no internet, no TV, no phone, NO THOUGHTS and get my life together.

Or travel to the mountains where the Ricola men went and just scream "FUCK" really loudly... I don't know why I chose that word. I hear it all day... It just seems like the perfect word to scream when you're really stressed out. That's what my bosses do. The most creative combination of swear words I've ever heard... And I'm sure I've spewed a few myself.

I feel somewhat contradictory in my personality. I'm on this quest to live "right" but I get pulled in these different directions. Anyway...

It's mainly 1 thought that makes me say Anyway and force myself to move on.

ANYWAY!

*sigh*

Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Ares, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Oh!

So I'm texting this dude and he asks me if we're compatible (Zodiac)... If I were to really believe that ish, NO. I would be compatible with Aquarius, Gemini and Leos, supposedly. Dude is a virgo. Anyway, it's interesting though cuz there are some pretty profound coincidences in these things:

Libra and Libra love compatibility
Both of these people are filled with energy and both are over demanding of one another which will make this relationship a very exhausting one for the two Libras involved. They treat each other passionately. They have a lot in common. They are cheerful, and easy-going. They also love harmony and beauty. But the severe reality interferes anyway. Neither one nor another wants to realize the facts. Their biggest problem may be unresolved conflicts, as neither wants to stir the pot when differences appear. Their life together is likely to be hectic and they will spend more time with others than they will with each other. The connection can be interesting while the marriage requires maturity.

Hmmmm. Unresolved conflicts... Longevity requiring maturity...

ANYWAY! (That's what I do when my mind starts 2 wander to a place I've forbidden it to go. I yell anyway really loud 2 myself.)

This girl got an interesting blog. 2 bad it's not a blogger blog. I gotta figure out how 2 subscribe.

http://dreamerone03.wordpress.com/

Office party Friday. I'm kinda excited! I bought a bottle of Ciroq for our gift sharing thing and put it in a pretty box.

I go thru these short phases where I'm not talking to (or talking with) any dudes, and then out of nowhere, it's always a few. It's never just 1 at a time. It could be, but nobody wants 2 act right, so...

Aand back to the purpose of my post, more hororscope stuff I found while googling... Just so happened 2 steal from another Libra girl's blog...

People-oriented souls who enjoy the stimulation of having loved ones and friends as an active part of their lives. This can often create a problem when the potential mate feels no more important than the best friend. In general, Libra natives are all around charming individuals who are good-natured even when they do not much feel like being so. They are also able to actively stifle any personal complaints…until they reach boiling point. Consequently, when a person ruled by Libra has allowed the scales to become unfairly tipped, then he or she will often lash out in explosive fashion. This usually takes a partner totally by surprise, since he or she has probably come to see only the gentle and peaceable Libra exterior. Those ruled by this Sign adore romance and all of its finest attributes…everything from flowers to poetry to love songs. They also apprecaite the accessories that accompany being in love and the state of being in love itself. Indeed, such is often the primary focus in the life of a Libra native. Whether it is being in love with their life, their job or their person, subjects of Libra want to feel the connection of the heart…to their world and their mind. In terms of physical intimacy, natives of Libra generally prefer the more romantic, tender and extravagent extensions of sexuality. In short, they prefer the “goodies”…the romantic gestures and the love notes left on the nightstand. To Libra, love is an idealized vision, complete with setting, tone and atmosphere. Often hesitant to voice likes and dislkies, it will be important for any mate to coax the Libra partner into speaking his or her mind. Interludes that are rough and/or coarse will usually be distasteful to natives of this Sign and the more artistically pleasing and overtly romantic, the better.

So Tired

One thing I really miss about college is the flexible schedule. Being able to take a nap mid-afternoon or early evening is very rejuvenating; a luxury I can no longer have working full-time.

I couldn't sleep last night. I had a really wierd dream. I was chillin with this dude. We were in the town of the college from which I recently graduated in an apartment which in the dream was a dorm room. For some reason, this white dude (IDK if it was a roomate, friend, or someone who just lived in the "dorm") must have annoyed him and he picked him up like a baby (like cradle position) walked to the balcony and just threw him over in the cradle position. It was so strange. Dude didn't fight back or anything and when he hit the ground his head burst open and blood went everywhere!
Then dude I was visiting just tried to carry on like nothing had happened. But I was scared so I left. I was living in the college town too so I just went home but I was trying to avoid looking @ all the blood on the way out.
I had a bad feeling and tried to run back up to dude to warn him to leave or tell him that I was worried something would happen but I couldn't get to him. Like he was surrounded by too many people (like his friends) and I didn't wanna talk in front of them. So I left still trying to avoid the blood outside. People in the dorm were talking about it but they were speculating that it was a suicide. I kept thinking in the dream that dude shoulda stood white dude up before dropping so it could look like he jumped.
A few days without speaking to dude go by, and I get a call from his # but it's the police who tell me that they have reason to believe that I'm an accomplice to the murder. So I'm horrified in the dream because they are asking what I know, and saying they already took dude. Then they try to convince me to trick by saying that if I do, I'll get off and I won't have to worry about this situation affecting my law school applications. As i woke up, I was struggling with whether I was going to tell on dude and save myself.
I looked @ the clock and it was 1:00a.m. I wanted to call dude very badly. I was very disturbed and I wanted to talk to him aout the dream, thinking it'd make me feel better, but I fought the urge.
I feel like that late @ night, he was probably laid up w/sum1 and wouldn't answer, or he was sleep and wouldn't answer. I didn't feel like being irritated if he didn't answer or respond. I almost texted 2 ask if he was able 2 talk, but I fought it and rolled over and tried to sleep, which did not happen.
So now I'm exhausted. I have a lot to do @ work this week. @ least Fri is a short day cuz it's our Christmas lunch. Now I have 2 try 2 find a unisex Christmas present for the gift stealing thing... I think I'll buy a bottle of liquor.

I feel a lil better about that dream after writing it.

Focus

There are so many distractions in the world. So many things to occupy your brain space... Or your time, cuz not all these distractions require you to actually THINK.

The ex bff contacted me last weekend, when I was at a Thai restaurant with my friends, talkin bout "her boyfriend told her to give me my money back" (showing she still can't assume responsibility for her actions) and sayin that she just wanted to put that in my head (wth?) and that she would come by last Saturday morning to bring me my $ and perhaps talk about our friendship, b/c even tho words were spoken, she realized that good friends like me don't come around twice.

I was very short with her. I was out at the freaking Thai restaurant with other friends. I told her, I'm not even dealing with this right now, you can call me when you're on the way with my $. She sent me picture mail of professional photos taken of her daughter. Im like wtf? Why are you contacting me? I sent a message back sayin "very cute" but seriously, where my $85 @ if U got $ 2 be takin professional photos?

Like now that I'm learning how to push people out of my life, I'm pretty good at keeping them out unless I want them there. When I told her to never contact me again unless it was solely about my $ I meant it. Now, I'm not an evil person. I'm willing to hear her out, if she wants to admit her fault and apologize but it doesn't even seem like she GETS why I told her to get out of my life in the first place. I DON'T TRUST HER. That she was able to tell such a HUGE lie to me and try to continue it just removes all her credibility. So if she had come over apologizing first for lying, and then all that other stuff came behind, I could possibly begin speaking to her again, but I don't see how the friendship could ever be the same unless she is able to win my trust back. I was helping my mother that Saturday, and so when she called to say she was down the street from my house (rude... U don't know what I'm doing so don't assume that I'm automatically available when you call me at the last minute... You no longer get those bff priveleges.) I was helping my mother move some things in her apartment. Now, what she could have done was hung out in the city, or come and talk to me while I was doing these things, but she was just like, "oh I'll call later". Never called. I texted Monday like, "you never called back" She said she never returned to the city. It's now the following Sunday. Last I knew, she worked in the city each night. If she really wanted 2 return my $, she could have. Not making a very convincing case for herself.

Made our NYE plans. If I'm driving by then, I may leave the restaurant, go to church and bring in the NY in His face, and come back to our hotel to hang. If not, I have to cut church out, but I'm tired of cutting God out of my NYE plans simply because I have no car.

I've had a headache all day. My friend called and woke me and it's been hurting since then. Gonna take some aspirin and go to bed in a few mins.

Been hanging out a lot with this new girl. Don't know how I feel about that. I mean she real cool, but some questionable things have happened, which have threatened drama concerning this dude that she was talking to. She was all insecure because the bastard suggested that he had plans to sleep with me (plans of which I knew nothing) and so she was all scared that I was going to act on them. I'm like, dudes wanna sleep with me all the time. U should be secure enough in WHATEVER you and dude have and whatever friendship you're trying to build with me to trust that I'm not on that. And if you think I'm that kind of girl, why hang out with me? I'm all for cutting ppl out when they suggest drama in my life. But she's cool. I believe that brief annoyance is over, because I just said forget dude, even though he's cool, it ain't that serious, especially since I met both of them at the same time, only a few months ago. Esp. after she told me the comments he made about my body and how he sounded so sure that he was going to sleep with me. (Why would you tell a girl you supposedly "love" your plans of sleeping with another girl? Bastard)

I think it's the cultural difference of not being from Chicago that makes a little tension. She doesn't think the same as me about certain things but that's part of the process of getting to know eachother. She has a cute 10yr old daughter. They met me at church today, and she was crying. I hope that's a good sign. I was praying that God spoke to her today because when I invited her to church before, things happened to prevent her from making it or staying, though her daughter had previously attended children's church and loved it. I feel like when you REALLY need to be in church, the Devil does things to prevent you from getting what you need.

Went on a date last night. With a guy I was dating this summer. He lives like 4-5 blocks away. We just stopped speaking and I was like whatever. Wasn't that serious. But he sent me a facebook message last week:

I'm sorry for not being the man I was supoosed to be. But I always did care about and like u. No bullshit, I like independent women and that's u. I jus wanna make it up to u. And that's on my life, I was just scared of u hurtin me. I was stupid, and I was just confused...I thought u didn't like me like that bc u never showed no affection towards me, but I always cared about u. Call me or text no matter what.

I was confused, like, ummm... I didn't know it was that serious but sure! Why not? It's freezing outside. It's nice to have sum1 you can just chill with when it's too cold to be running the streets. Like the whole "being the man I was supposed to be"? Confused me cuz I'm like "who the heck were you supposed to be?" I had no expectations of him really. It was summer time. I was dating like 10 dudes. Most of them didn't last. This 1 was kinda promising, but promising what, exactly? Like I said, no expectations. I'm just chilling! Enjoying my year away from school.

I guess "promising" means that he DIDN'T bore me to death due to an inability hold an engaging conversation, he didn't have baby mamas leavin voicemails on my phone, he didn't have felony charges which prevented him from making money and kept him basically immobile, and he's handsome. Kinda short, but still taller than me. What sucks is that he looks just like a grimy ex I had before. But he's been working out and starting to get swole... Basically, he's a cool dude. He has some issues though, but who doesn't. IDK. Who has time to give any of these dudes much thought. I also was confused about the affection thing... If I'm smiling and laughing with you, if I give you a hug when I leave ur presence, or if I'm spending a good deal of time on the phone with you... That's affection to me. Most dudes don't even get a second glance. I barely knew dude. I mean we had met probably over Christmas break last year and talked while I was in college and hung out this summer, but I hope that "affection" doesn't mean he was expecting me to sleep with him. We've never even talked about sex... That's the furthest thing from my mind with him. So I hope he don't think that's gon happen.

The 1 dude who tends to occupy a significant amount of my brainspace, IMO doesn't act like he wants it, so I've been making efforts to change that. I'd rather not really like any dude right now. It's so much easier. Like with the 1 person I actually want to like, has this wall up that I don't feel like breaking down. I just don't have the energy. If he made it seem like he wanted me 2 break it down, I might devote the time and effort, but he's been pretty self-centered. I feel as though I don't really know him anymore. I've expressed this to him, and IMO he hasn't made any efforts to change that, so I feel like he doesn't WANT me to know him anymore. I refuse to exert any more effort, though it's hard because I remember how things once were, miss them, and feel like if effort were exerted on both sides, they could be that way again, or even better. These things should come easily. I'm not exerting any unrequited effort.

Busy week ahead, but afterward I can just chill.

I may just have a car before February after all. I've found some really nice ones out there, but I need 2 be patient and make an informed decision. I did a lot of research this wknd.

My friend who was in the abusive relationship sent me an email, but I haven't verbally communicated with her in like 2 weeks. I'm sure she's going thru sumthin as a result of that relationship. Don't know if she made it out (like I said, saw him with her at church last week). Maybe she's trying to build the strength to get out, (the email was her new email address. She said the other one was no longer active, so maybe that was an effort to change her contact info and get away from dude. IDK. None of that is my concern any longer. I made a conscious effort to no longer be involved in even LISTENING to her talk about that because my compassion made me more angry at the way he was treating her than she was. So, I gave it up. Hope she made it out. Don't know, but that's a taboo subject between us. It sucks, because I feel that created a rift between us, but I take her emailing me her new email address as a sign that she still wants me to contact her. Also, she wanted to make plans for a spa party on NYD. We'll see how my $ is. My car and my bills are my #1 financialy priority right now.


I love my friends. I want them to be successful in their own right. I want them to accomplish every goal the have for their life. I feel like people are put in my life for me to help them in some way. It's kind of a burden sometimes. I'm learning to be more selfish, and to discern when a person really needs help, or needs a cold shoulder. Sometimes friends actually need a cold shoulder to figure things out on their own. That's what I wish for the ex bff... She has so much growing up to do. I was a crutch to her. She's gotta mature and figure it out on her own.

Waking up at 4:30 to get some work done before I get dressed for work... Peace.