(Not So) New Developments

So, I developed the camera.

ONLY the camera. The roll of film (which, because I believe it was older, would have probably contained more interesting pictures) must have been accidentally exposed, because it was blank.

And, now that I've developed the camera, I kind of wish I hadn't developed the camera.

These pictures were taken my first year of college. I recognized a few of the poses and outfits from one of the big African American weekends at the Alma Mater. There's also pics of a fashion show and a close-up of someone I no longer consider a friend who was modeling in that fashion show.

There's a pic of a boy I was messing with for about two to three weeks. I really have no idea why... Sheer boredom and the fact that he lived in my dorm building. He's not ugly, but he's SO not anyone that I would ever take seriously now. (And probably not then, either, considering he didn't make it past the one month mark, and I didn't have sex with him.)

There's a close-up pic of a girl I don't really like, but remain cordial with because we have mutual friends, so when I hang out with that particular group, she tends to be there. She was always around Freshman year because she lived down the hall, and I actually liked her then, because I didn't find out how phoney she was to me and how she was telling my business until the summer AFTER Freshman year.

There's a pic of me at a basketball game with a girl that I'd never be friends with in real life. Like never. Her voice annoys the HECK out of me... I often wonder how she became immune to it? I'd just go through life in silence for fear of offending someone. We actually hung out a little bit Freshman year. Not for real for real, but way more than I would have ever considered after that. I think it's because she kind of migrated toward hanging out with a group of girls I consider extremely phoney because they were always talking about each other and sleeping with eachother's f-buddies behind their backs.

There's a pic at the baby shower of a girl I no longer want to call a friend, for various reasons. (I'll address that in another post.) She's posed with her baby daddy.

There's also a pic of me with a friend from high school. We were really close. I thought we'd be friends forever. Then he realized he was gay (the rest of us already knew) and he disappeared to pursue that lifestyle. I guess he was ashamed, and I understand that this was an uncomfy experience for him, but I wish he hadn't just disappeared like he did.

As I was walking down the sidewalk and flipping through the pics, I came across one pic that stopped my heart. The pictures on this camera seem to have been taken from approximately February to April of 2005. What's the significance of these dates? This was right at the onslaught of my "relationship" with Dude. There was a close-up picture of dude in my Freshman year dorm room.

I hadn't seen his face in quite some time. I haven't been thinking about the pain he caused me lately... Or at least I haven't had lingering thoughts about it. Occasional thoughts flicker in my mind daily, but not really anything significant anymore.

IDK why seeing his picture had this effect on me, but I felt naughty. Like I was being intrusive. I instantly covered the picture as though someone would punish me for looking at the picture of him. I couldn't look the picture in its eyes. As soon as I realized it was him, I flipped right past and prayed that nobody from the Alma Mater would happen to walk by, see me looking at the picture of Dude (someone I haven't had a conversation with in years), and think I was some crazed love-struck psycho for still owning a picture of him. It's amazing that the shame from that publicly humiliating situation still lingers. I wonder when it'll go away?

It wasn't until just now, when I came home from work and turned on my computer to write this post, that I was able to really LOOK at the picture. It scared me. It's still a little scary. Before when I saw pictures of him (probably several months ago, when I heard he was released from jail and went on facebook to be nosey, and who knows when before that) I felt a strong contempt and a huge sense of disgust. I really could not understand why he was so attractive to me then. But this picture... IDK if I somehow caputred the way I felt about him in the pose, or if the way he felt about me at that time is reflected in the picture, but I don't feel disgust. I feel................

I'm not sure what I feel. But right now looking at this picture, I don't think he's ugly, which is the first thing I've thought when I saw pics of him recently. He has changed through the years. So now, when I look at recent pics, I kind of understand why I might think that he's less than attractive. His head became huge over time, and he gained weight. So I guess it looks kind of... off, in recent pics. But this picture... I don't get that from this picture. I don't feel sick to my stomach, or disgusted, or hateful, or full of rage. So I'm trying to figure out why?

And now I'm thinking... Maybe it's because, in recent pics, he's not MY Dude. He's HER dude. And I HATED Her dude, because once he became Her Dude, he could never be my Dude again. Once he became her Dude, he became the Dude who chose her over me, wasted my time, humiliated me, and didn't even seem to care about the pain he caused me. Maybe that's why his image is so repulsive to me in the present-tense.

So this four-year-old picture doesn't have a repugnant effect on me. Maybe it's because in that pic he was my Dude. It was the budding stages of our "relationship". Before I fell too hard. Before he had ever hurt me. When he still treated me like a queen and his eyes lit up when we entered eachother's presence. I guess those are good memories. I guess. Not since we were on good terms, had I ever, EVER before this moment allowed myself to remember good memories about Dude. But today I did. And it's not so bad.

I guess maybe that's part of the healing process. I've begun praying for him. Praying that he does well in life, and that God blesses Dude and helps him to become the man He wants Dude to be. And praying that God helps me with forgiving Dude and Her completely.

I thought about mailing him this picutre, that's unnecessary. What would that prove, besides making me look like a psycho? I'm sure he could piece together the background scenery and realize that it was my dorm. And I know my Freshman year roomate has no reason to know his mailing addres...

IDK, anymore if it was such a great idea to develop that film. It was an... interesting experience.

One good thing came out of it, though. I've been feeling pretty chubby lately. Freshman year, I was FAT. I was so fat that in these pics of me, my D-Cups (which were DD's back then... I have one sole, lonely DD bra to remind me of how big I was) actually look SMALL in these pics. It's cuz my waist, hips, and butt were so big, the breasts were actually eclipsed in comparison. So as long as I don't get that big again, I'm STRAIGHT! :-)

I've been back in the gym regularly lately anyway. I'll be sexy by the time school starts for me again.

Old Film

I have two cameras that have to be at least 5 years old. Well, one's a roll of film, and one's a disposable camera. I'm REALLY excited to see what's on them. I'm taking them to get developed tomorrow. Maybe not a blogworthy post, but I just got super excited and decided to write about it.

:-)

I'm Over People

People are really getting on my nerves these days. I just want some time alone. And I'm going to take it. Maybe at some point this weekend I'll have the time to explain the specific things that people are doing that are making me want to keep to myself. Right now, I'm getting in the bed.

Whoo hoo! Only an hour and a half til it's FRIDAY!

I Feel LIke I'm Watching Paint Dry

This wait list thing is not a good look. I'm grateful that I'm not one of the 100 who were booted from the list with no hopes of being admitted to the Fall 2009 entering class of the College of Law at the Alma Mater.

So at least there's still hope for me.

I'm obsessing. It's all I can think about. I'm believing that I'll be admitted from this list before June.

I'm absorbing myself in more fantasy fiction to get my mind off of it, but it still creeps up, especially since every week at least one person at work asks me where I'll be attending law school.

*sigh*

Grrrrr

I can't f-ing stop thinking about him... and it's driving me batty.

When I try to NOT, it seems like I think more...

*sigh*