Didn't Happen

For those of you who might have been wondering, the "massage session" with The Artist never happened. I should have known that it would turn out to be a bust when I didn't hear from him at all in the week preceding yesterday, even though he knew that he was supposed to return my phone call from the previous week when I called him during a practice for an event he was in last weekend at school.

Yesterday, I was really pissed! (Combine being drunk with being really horny for like the past MONTH with being stood up with no apology and no explaination for the 3rd time in a row!, and it's not a pretty picture.) I even called him yesterday around 1:00 p.m. (before I got pissed) and left a nice, short voice mail, saying "Hey, I'm just calling to confirm our appointment. Gimme a call when you get this message." This was around one p.m. No word from him the entire night, so I logged into a friend's Facebook account to check his profile (he and I never requested eachother as friends after a big Facebook fall-out two years or so ago.) His status still said the same thing it had said all week.

That didn't satisfy me. 30 minutes later I checked again... As though it would change in 30 mins, right? Well, it did. It said that he was still in the college town.

That made me even MORE angry. I've mentioned before that failure to communicate is one of my biggest pet peeves. I was pissed that he had the time to update facebook statuses and ish, but didn't have time to pick up the damn phone or return my phone call, even with a text, which would take all of30 seconds, tops!... It could be something simple! Due to the nature of our [non]-relationship, I don't need or even want any explanation of why he decided to cancel. I just think it's common courtesy to at least let me know that he was cancelling. Something like "hey, sorry, can't make it" would suffice! At least it wouldn't leave me wondering wth was going on!

(Grrrrr... After church I felt a little better about this, but now as I'm typing, I'm getting angrier and suppressing the urge to shoot him a very nasty text! I wanted to call and leave a voicemail, (because I feel like he's screening my number anyway, and would just send me to voicemail) but I feel like calling twice without receiving a call-back would look pretty darn desparate. Also, I've known his voice mail box to be full before, so it would be a total waste if he never heard the voicemail... That's why I'm thinking text... He can't ignore that. But now as I'm thinking about it, I have a little more to say than would fit in an 160-character text, so I think e-mail might be the best venue.

My neurotic mind was thinking that, having known me for two years, he would know that I might check his facebook status for a clue as to why he chose to pursue the route of being a rude bastard, and might have displayed that status that he was still in the college town, even thought it might not be true, to try to present a reason why he wasn't answering his phone... Then I realized that if this fool doesn't even care enough to cancel a meeting before it results in me being stood up, he probably couldn't care less whether or not I'm reading his facebook status.

I hate to admit this, but I am a facebook stalker. Only when it comes to this fool though. So I've been noticing, since the school year began, that a certain female has been showing up a lot in his tagged pictures in some pretty close poses. Not overly intimate like the poses that led me to believe the rumors that Dude and Her were sleeping together a while ago, but close enough to show that they've been spending quite a bit of time together. I also know he's a flirt and that previously it's been mistaken that he was "talking" to females who were just his friends. However, I feel like there's more to this situation than that. Right now, his profile picture is of him hugging her in a very playful manner. I wanted to see if the friend whose facebook profile I use to stalk is facebook friends with this chick, so I typed in her name. My friend isn't her facebook friend, but the chick's profile picture is the same profile picture he has up, of the two of them... Couple that with the overtly flirtatious wall posts consisting of inside jokes (strangely similar to those which he and I posted when he and I first started dating) and there's another reason to make me look at the pictures of he and this girl with the side-eye...hmmmmmmm... This afternoon after church, I checked again, and his status says that he wants someone to occupy his time... Of course this pissed me off even MORE. Not ONLY is this bastard sitting in the sleepy, empty college town (if that's the truth) but he's bored and he still isn't considerate enough to apologize for sending me off yesterday! That just shows that IMO, he really doesn't respect me or care about any friendship I thought that we possibly had!

I know from experience (though at the time I was the cause of this behavior, and not on the receiving end of it) that when The Artist is really into a female, he is pretty unattainable. He spends all of his time with the female and doesn't answer his phone, may not return phone calls... etc. It's like he doesn't need food, air or water to survive. His life seems to be sustained only by the attention he is giving to and receiving from the object of his affection. It's a great feeling if you're that girl, but if you're on the outside, say, a friend trying to get in contact with him, it absolutely sucks. I can recall a time back when The Artist and I first started talking when his roomates and a mutual friend tried to reach him all day because he had spent the night with me and did not let anyone know where he was going. He had been drinking and, when I woke up and went to work the next morning, he stayed in my bed asleep for 6 hours, and didn't wake up until I returned back to my apartment. He is also a heavy sleeper and has the ability to not hear the phone, even when people call him back to back. Even after he left my house that day, he still hadn't returned the phone calls of the people who were looking for him... His friend found out that he was okay because I told her.

So I'm thinking that this may be the case. He may be falling for this girl, and if it's not her, then SOME girl, and it could be why he makes these random appearances into my life, long enough to turn the most innocent of conversations into one full of overt sexual energy and witty banter, and then re-disappears from the face of the Earth.

And if that's the case, that's GREAT for him. After a conversation with a friend a couple weeks ago, I realized that I don't even necessarily want a relationship right now. I want someone who I can like a little, and be attracted to... If I'm in my moments of weakness and actually give in to having sex with the person, I'd like for it to be satisfying (very much unlike the last sexual experiences I've had with anyone OTHER than the Artist in the past two years.) The bottom line: I'm no longer in denial, thinking that this man is supposed to be my future husband, and that we can work through the issues of our past, and reconcile to have the best relationship ever. I'm realistic about the fact that he's probably just not that into me.

I think this is what angers me the most. Why send me mixed signals, then? And if he IS in a relationship, or seriously pursuing one, why would he press the issue of having sex with me? Is the standing me up his conscience kicking in about his intentions with the probable potential girlfriend, and any sexual desires to fulfill with me? If he's having sex with this girl, if it's something that serious, why won't he just say "I'm sorry, I'm involved with someone, and that's not something I want to do." I've solicited him for sex before while we were at school, and he told me that he already had plans that night (mind you, it was already 4 am when I approached him at the gathering we both attended, so any plans he might have had, were more than likely plans to go lay up with some girl) and I was perfectly okay with that! I was very happy that he was honest with me!

So I'm just not understanding this coward/bastard approach he's taking in this new route of sending me off... It's just plain rude. I can only think that he really is just not that into me... not even if it is just for sex, but that he thinks he's being nice by standing me up and not flat-out saying "I don't like you like that, and I don't even want to have sex with you anymore". IDK.

Sitting here writing has made me decide to email. He has a damn iPhone. Normal people don't buy stupidly expensive gadgets like that unless they're always going to be constantly playing with it. He'll get it. I'm going to try my hardest not to sound pissed. I've decided to bring up each incident that I've found to be disrespectful since I've graduated and no longer see him.

1. The birthday/s incident, in which I spent a considerable amount of effort and money (more than $50) calilng his roomate to find out if he would be in the College Town or in Chicago for his birthday, what day and time he'd be home, buying a gift and having it delivered to his house. After not ansering my phone call or texts the night before, he responded late in the day when it was delivered, and found out about the delivery (an Edible Arrangement), said "thanks, I'm gonna max" and didn't even pick up the phone to thank me more formally. He again continued not to answer my texts (an invitation to go out for drinks for his birthday) for the remainder of the weekend, and finally texted me that Sunday night saying he had returned to The College Town. I know I'm not his girlfriend or anything, but even if a friend (or someone I didn't even consider a friend, but more of an associate) had obviously taken the time to plan something special for my birthday, no matter how small/random it was, no matter whether or not I knew the price or the amount of thought or effort the person had put into it (weeks, in my case, b/c I didn't want to send something that'd seem too much like I was trying to be his girlfriend or something that couldn't be appreciated. I knew all his favorite fruits, which is why I settled for the Edible Arrangement with the cheerful message), I'd still pick up the phone to call and thank him or her. That was just so rude to me! And to add insult to injury, he didn't even send a call, text, e-mail, e-card, ANYTHING on my birthday, 5 days later. When I spoke to him later that week, (I can't remember who called who) he insisted that he'd lost his phone and had called me anonymously from a friend's phone to on my birthday to say Happy Birthday, but had not felt it important enough to leave a voicemail. Bastard. I don't recall an anonymous call, and he should have made sure that I got the probably fictitious birthday wishes.

2. Twice telling me over his Winter Break that he'd call me to set something up, and then not doing so and not apologizing, very much the same as this weekend.

I don't even expect a response. I actually anticipate him being a coward and not responding. I think that since the disrespect has gotten to this point, he probably doesn't give a damn about any kind of friendship we may have still had. However, I'll simmer and be pissed if I don't get this off my chest, so I'm going to draft this email now and then send it to him. I'll post it after I'm done writing it.