Thanx 4 Nothin'

I had a dream about Dude (the "ex") the other night. I had every intention to write about that dream tonight (b/c it disturbed the SHYT out of me!) but It's gonna have to wait until tomorrow b/c I've gotten almost to the end of this post and realized that I've turned it into a completely differnt post than that which I originally intended. Sorry about the following rant. (But not TOO sorry b/c at least one more is forthcoming.)

I've been thinking about him more than normal in the past week or so. I was reading another chick's blog, and realized that I never got real closure. I know it's kind of my fault, too. The opportunity was presented but I did not take it because I knew I was weak, I knew I loved him, and I had already wasted 3 years being fooled by him...

I didn't want to see him face to face b/c I didn't want to allow myself to be sucked back into thinking for a second that if I stuck around, he'd eventually love me and want to commit to me. I HAD to cease all communication, but it kinda sucks because I still have so many unanswered questions, so many "what if?"s, so many things that I wish I could say to him now that I am 2 years removed from the situation and have no desire whatsoever to be with him romantically.

I've wondered if I'd even want to be his friend. I mean, I loved him with everything I had, so of course I still care about him somewhat. I know that I'm not yet completely mature enough to wish him well, because I still carry some bitterness and resentment about what happened and the way it happened. I still feel hurt and betrayed and I still believe that I deserve a genuine apology...

Its sucky though, because I don't think I'll ever get one. I was told by a friend that I need to just find closure within myself. I sought counseling for about a year (total) for this situation, and the sad part is that I'm still not over it. I'm over him, but I'm not over the fact that he moved on so quickly as though I meant nothing. I'm not quite over the fact that I sacrificed my freshman through Junior year of college trying to be the perfect girl for him, the one who would tame the wild beast, and I'm not over the fact that it failed. I'm not over the fact that She moved right in, took him away from me, and still has him with all her little stupid cutesy facebook pics with him and status messages about him. UGH! It's so sickening.

Carla (the therapist who helped me with this issue the most my Senior year, told me that I'd have some bad days, but not to beat myself up about him so much... I've been having a bad past week, or so. I think my period made me more emotionally sensitive. I also attribute it to tryning to incorporate secular music back into rotation on my Ipod (I'd been only listening to gospel for a while). When I listen to secular music, the songs about relationships make me thing of one of two people, and the sucky thing is that even if I settle for entertaining thoughts about The Artist, thoughts of Dude still surface b/c I blame the failed relationship between The Artist and I on flat-out bad timing. I was in so much pain I couldn't be what the Artist wanted me to be. I couldn't free myself to fall in love with The Artist, as it seemed he was willing to do with me back then, b/c I was still in love with Dude.

It seems pathetic to still think about Dude's effect on my relationship with The Artist two years later, but I have really strong feelings for the Artist still, even though we don't speak. Like, at all. He texted me on NYE, but I blew him off because he had stood me up twice over Christmas break. I decided that he didn't need to come into my 2009; not treating me insignificantly.

This is the closest thing I got to closure. A facebook message I sent Dude almost exactly two years ago, when I saw intimate pictures of Dude and Her at a ball. The body language of the pictures confirmed the rumors that everyone had been saying (and I had been denying) about him sleeping with her. I can still vividly remember us hanging out, just talking about RANDOM stuff, a couple months prior to the day I found out about them, February 15th, 2007. I had seen the pics the day before, called him and got him to admit that he had been sleeping with her... Then I cried myself to sleep and turned my phone off completely because he would not stop calling and textng me, and I was in so much pain that I just couldn't even be bothered to talk to him. I had JUST told a friend at the time that I loved him so much that I was willing to wait on him, I didn't care about the other girls, as long as he didn't treat me any differently. But THIS girl... this was something else. She was the last straw. I thank God that it was THIS girl, cuz were it not she, I'd probably still be his foolish little loyal puppy dog.

This is the facebook message he sent me the next day:

Ay sweetheart. I'd like to talk to you in person. When can we make that happen? Jus me and you and no fussin and fightin.

To which I replied:


You are right about one thing. There's no need for fussing and fighting... It just won't happen anymore for several reasons.

It's not a good idea that we talk in person. There's nothing left to talk about. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions have already told me substantially more than any words you could ever say. I'm glad that you are so happy with your life. Now it's time for me to finally be happy in mine. The only way for me to do that is to remove you from my life.

I am positive that we cannot be friends for several reasons. You have already shown me that you have little respect for me as a person and no regard for my feelings. I don't know what your idea of friendship is, but it is not just telling someone that they can call you when they need something, among other things which don't even need to be mentioned at this point. You have already shown me on several occasions that there are quite a few things AND people that are just more important to you than I am. I'm tired of being second, third, and tenth place in your life. I wanted to be the woman that would be by your side, live up to your impossible demands, and hopefully get what I really desired in the end, which was all of you. However, trying to make you happy and keep things cool only made me miserable.

Thank you for finally telling me the truth about something that I have suspected for so long. I was never strong enough to say goodbye each time we talked but now I have found my strength, and I realized that I don't want you the way that you are now; neither as a friend or anything extra.

This is why we cannot talk in person. I can't let you back in, and I'm much stronger when I don't have to be near you.

I don't know how I will act when I see you, but please don't expect much. I also hope that you can see that I am saying these things to you because of all the hurt I have received as a result of this unnecessarily long situation; not because it's just something I do when I stop talking to someone, as you have said before. It may take you years to realize all the things you did to hurt me, but I'm no longer wasting my breath. Have a good life, Dude. I do love you, but I am finally beginning to love myself more. I don't wish anything bad upon you and I hope that you achieve everything you want in life. Be blessed.

His response:

I was thinking the same thing. And I can live with that. And I won't expect much when I see you. I did tell you that you are important to me though. I wanted you to relize that I never decieved you though. I not going to point blame at anyone. You had your rights and wrongs in the situation as did I. I can take responsibilty and I just wanted you to do the same. And my demands were not demands and what I wanted from you was not impossible. Cuz now your doing it. Maybe I should have made things more clear to you.

I wanted you to love yourself more than anything or anyone first. In fact, if you can recall I did tell you that. It's just that I saw you were never doing that until now. And hopefully you are actually doing that and not just saying that. I never told you but I do actually LOVE and have LOVE for you, but not at the exspense of my own integrity or overall personal well-being. If I see you. to make things easier I'll just act as if I don't know you. It's just best that way. If you ever do speak I will speak back and leave it at that. And through all this like I said I'll catch if you fall if you really needed me. But other wise yeah we can continue on both of our separate roads.

I do respect your personal feelings and you. As far as my actions are concerned it's obvious that you seem to forget that it was a two way street. A friend with benefits is more than sex, and "the understanding". I was trying to be your friend first. In church this past sunday I was told to let you go, so I will. I had been doin some thinkin lately and I won't slander your name or dawg out. If someone asks about you I won't comment or I'll say nothing but good things. And you should think with all the stuff that we have went through and I never dropped you that it's obvious that I respected and loved you.

Yes, I could have showed it sooner. It takes some longer than others to come around. By the time I began to come around it was to late. And saw it and I already moved on. I'm not going to apologize for telling the truth nor do I expect an apology. I wish I didn't make you so sad and I wish that you didn't bring drama to certain aspects of my life. I honestly pray that you have a blessed life also. Good bye.
-good friend know that through everything I'm just being a young real nigga right now and you are loved (real talk). At least know that and understand that if you don't with anything else. Bye

And another:

oh and I do know dude. We just not everyday acquaintance's. I see him from time to time. (We can end on at least a smile yes, I spelled acquaintance right.Lol) Bye **... One again luv ya... I should let you know sooner, but you right this is best for both of us.

(He was talking about The Artist. When I asked him if he was sleeping with Her, he tried to avoid answering by saying "I don't ask who you're sleeping with" and then tried to call my bluff thinking I wouldn't tell hm. But I told him because I was stupid and always honest with him... I believe this was to my detriment. Or should I say the detriment of the "relationship" that he and I had... Guys can dish it but they sure can't take it. I've learned that honesty is NOT the best policy. And I can't wait until this bitterness is gone so that I can stop believing that statement.)

Again with the tears... I just don't get it. I just don't get it. Ugh. I just want him gone... Like out of my brainspace. I feel there HAS to be some other way I could have learned to never put my desire to be with any man before myself... I don't know why it had to hurt this bad!

What a WACK ass message. I seriously feel like Mariah Carey's song "Thanx 4 Nothing" when it comes to Dude...

I think that what makes me the most sad, is that I put so much energy into it. I didn't want to let it go. I just wanted him to change. To somehow stop being a bastard and love me because he realized how much I loved him.

He knew I loved him and that shit he wrote, was just SHIT. Like seriously, I don't understand how someone can say they loved you , and still continue to knowingly make your life miserable. It really pissed me off that he said that. I'd waited since my Freshman year to hear him say he loved me back. I became so bitter and so afraid of the feelings I had for him that I just vowed never to tell him that I loved him, b/c he never said it back.

I remember one argument we had shortly after the Artist and I started dating. Dude called b/c he was in my apt. bldg (his friend lived across the hall) and asked if he could see me. He was completely shocked when I replied "Sure, you can come by for a lil bit". The last 4 word got his panties all in a bunch, b/c he was used to me totally stopping anything I had planned to jump if he told me to. He started punching walls, slamming doors (he had run out of my apt. and went in the hallway and started throwing a temper tantrum). Then he called me when he "calmed down" asking me "Do you wanna know how I feel about you? I'll tell you how I feel about you!"

I felt this could have been the time for him to finally say that he loved me. But he wasn't coming out to say it. He wanted me to pry it out of him. And I, for once, felt in control. I had the upper hand. So I refused to ask. It made me feel good to not do what he expected me to do. I felt great that I had a date. I felt great that he knew another guy was coming over late at night, and that I had placed time limits on HIM so that I could be with this other guy. I felt great that I was fresh out the shower, flat-ironing my hair, looking, smelling good, half-naked in some sexy itty bitty p.j.s and that this wasn't even done for Dude. At this point, I wasn't even having sex with The Artist yet (though the dome was off the CHAIN!) , and I felt GREAT that Dude was going crazy over the thought that I possibly could be doing so. (Though, I think I was so emotionally spent that night, that the Artist and I slept together for the first time. I know I was f-ed up in the head. And I know that's not a good reason to sleep with anyone. But I was developing feelings for the Artist, and that night (and every night we spent together) was really great, because he held me and gave me the affection I was missing from Dude.

But most importantly, my spirit told me that it was time to let Dude go. I knew that if I had allowed him to tell me that he loves me, that would have opened a can of worms. I would have wanted to talk about things, I would have probably canceled my date with The Artist and dug myself into an even deeper hole. So I'm glad I never heard those words come from his mouth.

I think this is why it pissed me off so much to read them in his closing argument. Even what he said to me just sounded like bullshit. I felt like he threw in the "I love you"s at the end to make himself feel better for being a lying bastard. The words I had longed to hear for almost 3 years made me HATE him because I felt he was taunting me, appeasing me, patronizing me with them. And I think the result of that hate is the bitterness and anger I still feel. I think this is why I want a real apology.

I used to hate Her, too. I hated her so much that I jumped on her and tried to choke the life out of her my sophomore year of college at a Halloween party thrown by a Mexican fraternity. I know that the dealings between she and I are the main reason that he felt as though I brought so much "drama" to his life. I couldn't understand why She kept popping up. She'd disappear for a while, but every so often, she'd pop the f-back up, taking him to Six Flags and bragging about it on his fb wall, texting him, sending him fb messages, (yes... I'm a stalker if you're not giving me the info I desire. I had his fb password for several months before he found out) hanging out in his room (which I found out about later, of course), and just not going away like the other girls. She was perpetually there. The mosquito in my ear. The ellusive fruit fly in the kitchen that you just can't catch. And her presence, coupled with the fact that he still ALLOWED her presence made me so damn insecure that I lost my sense of self.

I hated the way she made me feel about myself. I hated to see her on campus because she was a constant reminder that I hated her too-big gums and her too-small teeth. I hated the body that he had described as "unshapely" only a few months prior to sleeping with her (hell, who knows. He probably was sleeping with her when he randomly announced the following random bullshyt: "You don't have to worry about me and ____ anymore. I'm not attracted to her and her body is so unshapely". I think we weren't even talking about anyhing remotely related to her. That should have been my sign right then... That She was on Dude's brain.

lived in fear of seeing them together. I broke down in tears one day waiting on the bus stop for class b/c I saw him driving her car. I hated her almost completely through my Senior year of college. I got a strange feeling that when I applied for the graduation committee the both of them would be members. I was half right. It was her. Thank God he wasn't there as well. I probably would have quit on the spot.

It's bad enough that every Monday night I drove myself crazy looking at her and mentally analyzing if she was prettier than me. I would stare at her and wonder Is she better in bed? Who's she texting, him? Hmm. My hair's longer than hers, and she got that nappy shyt. They gon have the ugliest, short, nappiest headed babies ever. Does she cook for him. She's so damn dumb, why is she over there trying to sound smart? All the while trying to hide my resentment for her by never looking in her eyes (as though she could read my mind and know that I was trying to figure out how I could get away with murdering her and getting into law school.) She'd sit on one side of the room, and I'd sit on the other. But I noticed something. She was going out of her way to be friendly to me. Like when I made suggestions, she would make sure to chime in as though it was the most brilliant thing anyone had ever said. But it was always indirect, as though commenting on a movie, or a book, the work of someone who was not there to hear it. And as much as I avoided eye contact with her, she just started popping up everywhere! I'd see her in buildings between classes, walking across the Quad, in the Union... And I'd continue to avoid eye contact.

One night I received a random ass email:

Hey _______! I was wondering if you are still on facebook. I created an event for BCC Info Night and I couldn't find ____, _____, or you (____ informed me yesterday that he quit facebook lol). I wanted to make all of the committee members "admins" so that you all could add people to the "invitee list" that were not previously sent an invitation. If you are still on, may you please add me to your friend list so that I can make you an admin to the event. If this does not impose any inconvenience, I would surely appreciate it!

Thanks a lot!

Side Note ***Now that we are working together on the graduation committee, I hope that we can FINALLY be able to burry the hatchet, disregarding any drama that has come between us. Since I am not the type to allow others in my personal affairs, I opted not to mention this to you at any meetings. I understand this is random, but as two adults, two GRADUATING seniors, I just feel that its time to do away with any negativity. I saw you twice today and realized that although we are now working on the same project, we have never spoken to one another. I'm not proposing that we "pretend" to be best friends or anything, but at least be comfortable to comply with being cordial like the two classy women that we are! I sincerely apologize for anything that I may have said or done that may have bothered you or affected you in anyway. I really do. If you choose not to accept my apology, I can deal, but its better that I speak on this now, before I never got another chance to do so. This is lengthy, just know this can stay between us. I pray that what happened in the past can be put to rest... Let's enjoy the rest of our last year and PARTY IN PEACE!!!

Have a great day and God Bless!!

I didn't really know what to do. I responded just to the facebook part of the email. I don't know why. I let her know that I received her email, by responding to the business aspect of it, but I ignored the personal. I added her as a facebook friend. And I began to make direct contact with her in meetings, etc. I still felt a little shaky and uncomfortable, but it was nothing like it had been. I even didn't feel at ease talking about her and dogging her out in the way that had previously come so naturally. (I still let a few insults slip in close company though, but usually only if she said something really damn dumb at a meeting)

At first, I really DIDN'T tell anyone about the email, b/c I needed to think about it. But I realized that she did sound sincere in her apology. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt like I wasn't crazy, after all. I felt like at least someone had the decency to admit they had done something wrong. Even though she didn't detail exactly what it is that she did to hurt me, (I didn't need a recap, anyway) it made me feel SO much better. I had achieved partial closure. I didn't hate HER anymore!

After that, though I still hated the fact that he was still with her, and that she was reaping the benefits of everything I had worked so hard for, I no longer had such heavy resentment toward her. All it took was for her to admit that she was wrong for the things she did to hurt me, hell, just admitting that she knows she intentionally did things to hurt me and (seemingly) sincerely apologizing for it made my heart feel 10 lbs. lighter.

So why couldn't Dude do the same?

Just skip past the first 25 seconds of the video...

GET OUTTA MY HEAD

I prided myself on being quite a special individual. For years I've been referred to as "something else" (which often annoyed me b/c I STILL don't know exactly what those words mean). I guess just decided that the phrase means that I'm special, I'm unique, I'm different, maybe slightly wierd, but most importantly, I'm not like anyone around me... I'm something ELSE...

(Guess that wasn't as hard as I made it out to be)...

Anyway, I stumbled across a blog by this chick who's experiences totally reflect many of my journal entries from about two years ago... Man, it's freaky. I was already in a very introspective mood today, but she REALLY got me thinking even MORE about some things. Idk if I'll write about them all right now, b/c there's kind of a backlog in my brain of topics I KNEW I wanted to write about as soon as I got off work (TGIF, WHOO HOO!)

But er um... yeah. I think the girl goes to my old school, which in some wierd way, makes me feel even more of a connection with what she's saying... It's like, you've experienced this pain in the same geographic location, hell, even the same DORM in which I experienced much of my own pain... As I'm reading, I'm just like, SEEING the events unfold in my head... Like, literally seeing through her eyes, totally picturing myself in her shoes because that really WAS me at one point, dropping croutons at the salad bar... (I can even smell the HORRIBLE lunchroom smell... so eloquently referred to my friends and I when as "Lunchroom" when we encountered eachother after having eaten) that forced me to take showers shortly after returning to my dorm room...

Mostly, though, I've been feeling a nostalgia for college. The pain I experienced, especially in my last two years, made me say that under no circumstances would I miss the experiences or the people... But this week (possibly spurred by a random text from a girl who I actually stopped calling a friend and began disliking my sophomore year of college... who only has my number b/c amongst others, she and I were planning to carpool to the reunion weekend in November) I have been reminiscing like CRAZY...

I chalk it up to my cycle... I've been EXTRA emotional this week...