I Got In

I was finally admitted to the Alma Mater's law school next year. They gave me a small scholarship, but I hope to apply and receive some outside funding.

A friend of mine is there and telling me how hard it is. This video will be on repeat come August. It's so motivatioinal!

Enjoy!

Mundane Update.

I've nixed the tutoring gig. I prefer a full-time job and didn't want to commit to these kids only to leave them in two weeks if I was offered a full-time job.

I've been substitute teaching w/ a suburban school district... I REALLY like it, honestly. The only problem is that it's not guaranteed. You have to log in to this site where they post openings. More often than not there are NO listings. When one pops up, you have to select it almost instantly. If you wait 30 seconds, you miss out.

I started training today at a local bank. I don't really want this job, b/c they only want to pay $9/hr. I have a degree, so I feel that I should have a better wage, but hopefully something I like better will come along. How am I supposed to reach my goal of saving $15K by next August if I'm getting paid $9/hr?

I submitted my app to the Alma Mater on 9/15. My LSAT score (third time's the charm?) comes back a week from today, and I'm a little nervous. I would like 5 points but I'd be happy with any increase.

I have a lot going on in my mind, and my spiritual relationship with God is under a lot of stress, as my faith is being tested by the circumstances in my life. But I will blog about that later this week. This post is strictly facts about how I'm living my life.

I still do the shot girl job. It's helped me out, giving me money on the weekend. I was able to scrape together my car note with that. I've had some contention with my supervisors because I choose to wear actual clothes instead of lingerie, swimsuits, and other variations of nothing like my coworkers. I have standards and a degree. I feel that no self-respecting 24 year old will be outside in public showing off body parts only her lover should see. Especially if I'm only bringing home $100-$200 a night. If I'm gonna be dressed like a stripper, I should at least be able to pay all my bills for the month in that one night of working.

Ummmm, what else?

I'm going to apply to a school in VA cuz they're ranked as high as the alma mater, and I have a couple of friends in that state. (Also, the app is free, and I'm sure they have more black people than the school I ultimately decided not to attend this year.) I'm also going to apply to 2 schools in neighboring states.

And I guess that's enough to catch up on what I'm doing at this present moment. I have some things to blog about and I'll begin them some other night when I don't have to wake up at 4am to go to prayer.

So Now What?

Basically this is what is going on in my life right now.

I decided not to attend law school this year because the school I chose (due to the advice of several mentors who suggested that I attend the highest ranked school I got accepted in) refused to give me any scholarship assistance at all. They basically told me, you were good enough to accept but we don't really want you here. At least, that's the impression I got from them. It was too late to attend second choice, and The Alma Mater (1st Choice) never took me off of their waiting list (even though they let several others off) so I decided to sit this one out.

It was a difficult decision, because now I am unemployed (my job forced me out the door... I wanted my last day of working to be August 1st, but they made me stop 7/17. If they had only waited until 8/1 to hire someone, I would have gotten the letter that told me my Federal Direct Grad Plus Loans were declined.) The denial was earth-shattering at first, but I was able to appeal their loan decision. They granted my appeal, 2 days before I was supposed to go to school. I had been praying about it and seeking wise counsel, and I decided that it would be better to start law school next year when I am more financially prepared and have the possibility of receiving scholarship assistance than this year when I know that I would be taking out $51k in loans to attend a school that I ultimately didn't want to attend.

So anyway, I have this afterschool tutoring gig that starts 10/13 and I have this substitute teaching gig that starts hopefully as soon as I fax/deliver my employment paperwork and TB test results tomorrow.

It needs to start SOON. My pockets are angry at me.

I reapplied early decision to the Alma Mater's law school. When I get some money, I'll do some more applications. I decided to retake the lsat... Just for the possibility of gaining a couple of points... **sigh**. It's all a money game now. I know too many people who are going to law school practically for free. I don't want to graduate with $200k in debt if I don't have to. Second choice granted me a deferral but I'm too broke to pay the first seat deposit. I'll email the dean and let her know I'm interested but will need until late October to come up with the money. I also deferred at the school I chose not to attend this year. Just in case. I'd rather know I'm going somewhere if Alma Mater doesn't let me in this year.

So now, I guess I'm just waiting to see how things turn out.

Perhaps If I Wrote More Often...

I wouldn't have so much to catch my (few) readers up on when I actually write.

The position I am in right now in life is NOTHING like anything I could have wanted or foreseen last year. It was pretty unfathomable to me until less than a week ago. I'm trying to determine how to organize my thoughts and tell this story in a way that will make most sense to readers. I also have a possible date/likely phone call an hour from now so I have to squeeze in whatever I can for right now. I guess I'll start with the big revelations, or the ones that feel biggest to me becausethey are causing the most uncertainty in my life:

Big Thing #1:

I am gainfully unemployed
(because my job let me go (after buying me a REALLY nice leatherbound hard cover Black's Law Dictionary and a delicious yellow and fudge cake as parting gifts) so that I could prepare to leave for law school and because they hired my replacement and were afraid to lose her. They gave me one week's pay (vacation time) as severance. I was hoping for two full weeks pay, but it's better than nothing.

Big Thing #2:

I am not in law school, nor am I starting law school this year.
To me, this is the biggest. I planned to take ONE year off between undergrad and law school to a. pay off the credit card debt I accumulated my first year of college and b. buy a car. I did both (although the completion of a. was kinda forced on me at the last minute.) I am debt free and I have a car.

I am (technically) unemployed and I have plenty of bills to pay (car note, internet, phone) and expenses (gas, miscellaneous living expenses) which I thought I would be paying with student loan or grant refund checks by now. Never would I have imagined that I would not be attending law school this year. The very thought of this situation horrified me prior to about 5 days ago.

So I guess I owe you guys some explanations. I hope that any future law students learn from my mistakes and actually follow my advice. I ignored a couple of these suggestions and I believe that is why I'm in the state I'm in. ( I realize this paragraph sounded really defeated and self-pitying. I'm not feeling that way anymore. I acutally have a pretty positive outlook on what I'm going through right now, but it may not emerge in the writing of this post until later.

Experience's List of What NOT to Do If You Plan to Attend Law/Graduate School After Earning Your Bachelor's Degree

1. Do NOT ruin your credit by falling into the credit card trap that ensnares many college freshman in America.

I did this. I had PERFECT credit by the time I was 19. It was in the high 700 range. I had 6 cards and I ran them all up near their limits, made a couple payments and then just stopped. I was dealing with some personal issues and became depressed and unfocused my second semester of college, so I quit going to class (see #2) and I quit working so I could not pay my bills. I allowed the cards to charge off and didn't deal with them until I graduated from college. I knew that I needed to address this and pay off my debts. Even though I paid several items on my credit report, I still owed some. Direct Loans denies anyone who is 90 days or more past due on any debt. It doesn't help that collection agency crooks often report inaccurately to the credit bureaus, and many companies continue to report negative information, even after the debt has been paid. Now, I no longer owe any money on any old credit card accounts, but I'll still have "bad credit" until 2012. It's an f-ed up system indeed.

If you are in college and you have credit cards, make your payments on time! If you cannot, pay the cards down to zero and freeze them (like literally, in the freezer), hide them, or close them. Keeping the cards open helps your credit score, so I wouldn't recommend closing them unless you just don't have the self-control to not spend beyond your means. Allowing cards to charge-off or go into collections, or even the less-extreme late payments can bite you in your ass later because negative items stay on your credit report 3-10 years and in unpredictable economic recessions such as now, banks are denying loans for late payments from FIVE YEARS AGO, even with otherwise perfect credit!

2. Do not allow anyone or anything to affect your grades.

I was young and naive. My second semester of college, I let my triffling mother affect my mental state and I fell (hard) in love with someone who was no good for me. Instead of finding a positive outlet for my issues (as I do now) I let them get the best of me. I flunked out of a science class, got a D in a math class, and had to petition to late-drop another class to avoid getting a bad grade. Fortunately, I was able to pick up a one credit hour course (thank you, academic advisor) that started the second half of the semester in order to not have my financial aid affected by the dropped course. I was so stupid that I let this guy push me back into the bed in the mornings while he got up and got dressed for class. I got a 1.6 gpa. while he got something like a 3.5 that semester. I didn't even recognize that my lack of motivation and inability to make good decisions were due to depression and other issues that I was experiencing as a result of my horrible relationship with my mother, so I coped in all the wrong ways. I was able to bounce back from that 1.6 with a decent gpa upon graduation, but I should never have done that poorly in the first place.

If you are having issues that could potentially affect your work, seek help immediately. Your school may have counseling services that are free of charge. And young women, PLEASE realize that no young man is EVER worth ruining your life, especially since he more than likely isn't ruining his for you. It's college. 2-3 years down the line you may not even be communicating with this person who you think is the be-all-end-all. I know I'm not.

3. Apply Early!

I ignored this advice, even though it was drilled into my head for a couple years preceding my actual application process. I waited until the last week of December to submit my apps. I have average numbers (gpa and LSAT) and I know I should have had everything done by the end of October. My favorite professor submitted my letter SUPER late and I made the unwise decision to wait on her letter before I submitted my apps. I also thought (since I'm a pretty good essay writer) that I could throw my Personal Statement (PS) together in a short period of time. I had about 4 rewrites before it was perfect and that took time.

If you are retaking an entrance exam late, submit your apps anyway. Have EVERYTHING in order, including filling out the portions of the app that require you to fill them out (then save them on the database) Letters of Recommendation (LORs), Transcripts, Essays, etc... Your applications should be waiting for you to hit send as soon as the applications open. Be careful of the professors you choose to write your LORs. If you're still in college, network your butt off and suck up to thyour profs so you can guarantee SEVERAL profs who you know will write good LORs and you won't be so heavily dependent on one versus another, in the event that that prof just doesn't come through for you. Also, start working on your essays asap, and send them to all your critics well in advance so you can have time for a couple of rounds of critique, feedback, and rewriting. It's so worth it to be prepared earlier. Also, apply for financial aid early, preferably as soon as you find out that you are admitted. 2 weeks before school starts is not the time to find out that financial mistakes you made five years ago cause your much needed federal loans to be denied. Even if you aren't applying to a school Early Decision, you need to have the apps submitted to them about a week before the ED deadline. Trust me.

4. Pay Attention to How A School Treats You

I began to feel that the school I had selected only selected me because I am Black. I asked for money and they told me that they didn't award money to students with my numbers. (Minority students at The Alma Mater's law school with similar numbers to myself were given significant scholarships and even more when they asked.) I began to wonder why the hell Corntown University College of Law accepted me if they thought I was not good enough to receive even a nominal scholarship. I ultimately am not in law school right now because the school left a bad taste in my mouth and I realized this too late, when thedeadlines had passed for me to accept any other school. But I'm kinda happy with my decision because at least I won't be in debt $51,000 for a year of school at a university at which I would not have felt happy.

Make a decision well before the deposit deadline so that you have leverage. If you ask for money and they turn you down, and you are not 100% in love with the school, maybe it's not the school you need to attend. If it's a ranking question, from my experience this application cycle, choose the lower ranked school that gives you money, is in your home state, and treats you well over the higher ranked school that is in another state, offers no money, and makes you feel unwanted. You should never attend a school with the intention to transfer, but the exception to this rule is if you just HAVE to be in school this cycle, and you don't get into the school you want, or if a higher ranked school that accpeted you treats you like dirt and you really can't fathom being happy there.

I think that's it for my advice. I'll get a little more personal and write about the solutions to my problems in the next post.

I'm going to Bible Study

And I'm going to listen really hard. Maybe God will speak to me there, b/c Idk why but I keep missing him. I feel like my life is crashing down around me and everything that could possibly go wrong, is.

RING, DANGIT!!!

Stupid Blackberry. Okay. I won't blame you, Blackberry, but if I haven't heard anything by 3pm, I'm picking up the phone and calling the office myself.

IDK how much longer I can pretend to surf the net in this office on my last day of work while waiting for the phone to ring.

I'm gonna make a practice call to ensure that this thing is working properly.

Okay... Working.

Now I'm gonna call from my work phone.

Okay... Working.

I asked Grandmommy to finance a Dell Laptop for me, since I know I won't qualify for financing on my own. She has to "think about it". She offered to just give me $400 but I'm trying to tell her that I'm not asking for money, I'm asking for credit! I'm gonna pay the darn thing off as soon as I get my refund check, but with all these other things I'll have to be getting acclimated with a month from now, I don't want the laptop to be one of them. I kinda want it like... now... so I can figure out how everything works before hand.

People keep trying to convince me that I don't need a purple laptop to be happy. Especially since I could buy a perfectly good, cheaper, lighter, laptop elsewhere. I'm basically paying $200-$300 more so the thing can be purple. More than likely, I'll have to leave to doggie with my mother when I go to law school. So, though the purple laptop won't keep me warm and cuddle with me at night, it'll bring me some joy.

Anyway. I think I'm gonna leave work now. Or maybe I should wait until 3-ish to show the new lady one last time how to file and process things at court.

*sigh*

What Would You Do? (Response Requested)

In the image of a fellow blogger, Bloggal, I'm asking my readers a couple questions:

What would you do/feel/think if you had reason to believe that someone you once (very recently) had very strong romantic feelings for was now in love or falling in love with someone else?

Would it make any difference if you guys ended on bad terms?

What if you hadn't spoken to this person in a while before you found out about this new love interest. Does that change things?


I'll explain later, and I look forward to any responses.

OMFG(osh) and An Update

Early this morning,I came across some horrible, heart-stopping, news, but I'm not ready to share it with the world. Partially, because it's already been shared with the world... The entire world. By a pretty "reputable" source. It gives a whole new meaning to the term "repuatble". Like some people can really take the truth and twist it so much that it fits around their own little phucked up slanted hypotheses like a glove. (I feel way more sympathy for the late and great Michael Jackson than ever before.) The whole damn world could potentially be talking about me (or at least the whole United States)... I'm not exaggerating. And if you want to find it, you can find it. You just may not know that it pertains DIRECTLY to me. I'm hoping that this news doesn't affect me in the worst way. I've only told two people about it: the BFF (formerly known as Ex-Bff) and another friend. I"m not even gonna tell my mother. Not necessarily because it's "that bad". But because I don't want to hear her negativity about the situation. Also, I really don't know WHAT to think about the news. I don't know how bad or good it is. At least I know that I'm on the mind of a certain person I REALLY needed to be thinking about me, especially right now. I just hope that the capacity in which my name has come up hasn't potentially ruined my life. I know, I sound so dramatic, but it really is kind of a big deal.
For now, I'll be praying. I have NO clue what the outcome of this news could be. Once I shoved my heart from my throat back into my chest, and Google Talk-ed to a friend about it, I felt a little better. I'm waiting on some answers. My impatience with the whole electronic communication thing is wearing thin (thinner than it already was). I'm sorry I'm being so cryptic. It really is quite an interesting story. Or maybe it's just interesting to me because it affects a HUGE (one of the most important) aspects of my life. I'll post about it as SOON as I have a resolution.

Anyway, in efforts to not think much about my impending law school future, which is practically one month away, I will say the following and the following only, until I hear an update, or drive to my second choice, whichever happens first. I haven't gotten off the waiting list at the Alma Mater...Yet. I hope that I'll be admitted in the next week or two. A girl that I graduated from Undergrad with is a student at the Alma Mater. She was admitted to the Alma Mater's law school in mid-to-late July of last year. She had the same LSAT score as me. So I feel that it's a possibility. On 7/20, I have plans to drive out of state to find an apartment in the town of 2nd choice, if I have not yet heard from Alma Mater. I'll probably give the Alma one last desperate phone call the morning of my trip. I really don't see the point of going to get an apartment (meaning spending about $100 on gas and $500 to 600 as a deposit) only to get admitted into the Alma mater in the next week or two, and having to pay a seat deposit to Alma Mater AND pay a deposit in that town. Then I'd have to find a subletter for the apartment in 2nd Choicetown. Not only do I not see the point, but I don't have the money for that foolishness. Law school admissions are the most vicious game ever. End rant. I really don't wanna write about this stuff anymore. I wish I could stop thinking about it.

I have a part time job selling shots in different clubs in the city. It's kinda fun I guess. I haven't made much $ yet. One girl I work with made $700 one night and $500 the next. That possibility is the only thing that's making me stick around. What I hate? The company is kind of rebuilding after an inside betrayal, so they went from 70 girls to like 6 or 7, and a ton of venues to like one. So it's kind of bootlegg right now. Also, we have to dress somewhat skimpy. I'm almost 24 years old and I'm a lady. Over-the-top T&A showage is not in my lifestyle anymore. I've long since learned that you don't have to dress slutty to dress sexy. I'll post a pic of one of my work "outfits" one day if I can get a friend to take one.

My last day of working full time (unless I do this special project for my mom's boss) is exactly one week from today. I've been displaced. The trainee has taken my spot at the front desk and I am now in this little corner office away from everyone. I kind of love it. I finally have computer screen privacy (hence, why I have time to blog when I should be organizing pleadings.) I'm gonna miss everyone, but I'm excited about the next phase of my life as well.

Ummmm, what else?

I had dinner with a girl I ex-ed out of my life last summer, due to a misunderstanding. It was surprisingly easy to talk to her. Idk about actually becoming "friends" with her again, or whether either of us have a desire to do so, but, we'll see what happens. She's going to school at the Alma Mater in the fall, so, if I attend, there's a better chance that we will begin speaking on a regular basis again, and who knows where that will lead?

My mother asked me to be a co-borrower for a home mortgage so she doesn't have to miss out on the $8,000 home-buyers stimulus check. Yeah right. $200,000+? My senior year of college, we had a disagreement about her paying me back $40. And to be trapped in that for 35 years? IDK what she was thinking.

I speak to my uncle now, after a huge blowup. He's still selfish, and he bough himself some little raggedy fall-apart car. He parks this piece of crap in the garage, but one Saturday morning, he tried to express some concern for my well-being by telling me that he saw some men in our backyard and asking me to be careful. I feel if he really cared about my safety, he wouldn't have me struggling to find street parking late at night, esp. in my neighborhood. (Which reminds me... I hope this isn't like last Friday night, when I returnd home from "work" around 3am and had to circle the block for 15 minutes before finally finding a spot a block and a half away down a dark street.)

I don't have any other updates, except a couple that I'll make a separate posts about.

I'm sorry if my tone is a little negative or melancholy. I'm under a lot of stress right now, b/c I don't know where I'll be in the next month, and it's super important. I'm doing everything in my power to maintain a positive outlook on everything.

My Sincere Apologies

I've been very internal lately. Many thoughts have been churning in my mind, but I haven't had the energy to write them. I used to have the most inspiration to Blog on Friday nights or Saturday mornings.

I've actually been sacrificing my Friday Night Me Time lately. I think it's b/c it's summer and I have a car. This Friday, though, it's all about Experience. I'm gonna close the blinds, light some candles, lay on my bed and THINK. Then I'll see if I'm more motivated to write about all the things that I've been busy trying NOT to think about.

An Answer

So, I completed Job, and at the end, God basically told Job to stop being a beyotch because He has it all under control. Then he blessed Job and he lived happily ever after.

Lately, I've been having struggles with my faith. I'll elaborate on it more later, but it's gotten pretty bad at points. My resolution was to pray more (among other things). I'm fasting now. No meat (doable) and no sweets (not AS doable. I cheated yesterday. It was the paralegal's birthday and we ordered a yellow cake with fudge and buttercream frosting. I'm a fat kid... I love cake.)

It's about sacrificing, showing God that though my faith is being tested right now, I'm still willing to put myself on the line and give up some things that I enjoy doing. Outside the religious aspect of it, it's also about self-discipline. I'm trying to push myself beyond limits. To show myself that I can live up to challenges, even when they seem insurmountable. This applies to every aspect of my life.

I'm working on convincing myself that I can be happy if I end up going to school four hours away instead of at the Alma mater. I'm having faith that I'll still get off the waiting list, but I'm preparing myself to be happy even if I don't. Tomorrow night I'm going to a gathering at one of the ritzy rich people clubs downtown that is hosted by the law school I'll be attending if I don't get admitted from the wait list. I'm a little nervous, due to the very real possibility that I'll be the only Black person in the room. It's not like being the only Black person in a classroom... At least in that venue, I'll be focused on learning the material and not necessarily the color of my skin.

But this will be a social event where I'm expected to drink and mingle with people I don't know, who I'm sure come from a completely different background than me. I hope I don't feel like the token black girl.

I have a lot to write about but I'm tired and I should have been in bed an hour ago.
Maybe I'll have time to catch up this weekend.

Two Unrelated Thoughts

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I haven't written about men in what feels like a while, cuz I haven't spent much time thinking about them. The Artist crept into my thoughts a little bit in the past couple weeks, but nowhere near as much as before. Most likely because I have so much stuff going on in my life... important stuff... and because I burned the bridge (hopefully) when I sent that email. I'm kinda proud of myself. I haven't even felt the urge to facebook stalk him like I previously have.

Anyway, I love this chick's poems. My favorite lines from this poem:

Our creation is absolutely irreplaceable.
I tried to untangle it but the start is untraceable.
Cuz you have a piece of my heart.
Actually, it's umm... it's more like a fat chunk.
Cuz every time that I try, instead I vanish and I hide
Because I don't want to move on.
But I will if I have to.
Trust that, indeed!
Your love is what I want;
It is NOT what I need.
....
Be careful who you give your heart to, cuz they might not give it back.

I've been having some weird dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that I was pregnant by some faceless man. He had a nice body, but no face. I've heard of dreams with ambiguous characters but never had one myself.

Anyway, I read most of Job on the train to work this morning

. He was trippin, b/c all the crap that happened to him, and I'm complaining about not yet hearing from a wait list... Anyway, Job is LONG, so I haven't finished. I kinda skipped a lot because he was whiny and it was just annoying me. So I skipped ahead to the part where God finally speaks to Job after 37 chapters of him whining like a be-yotch... (Though, I must admit that if I had gone through what he went through, I would probably have been even worse).

Before I go to bed, I'm gonna see what God said to Job, and then apply it to my situation. It's all about faith, and I've been feeling a little low on the stuff lately.

Waiting... And Waiting... And Waiting... And Waiting....

Wait lists SUCK.

I'm tired of people asking me where I'm going to school in the fall.

I'm tired of people asking me where I'm going to school in the fall... PUBLICLY on my facebook wall... as though I want everyone to know that I'm in Law School Admission Purgatory.

I'm tired of not knowing where I'm going to be in two months.

I'm tired of feeling like a puppet dangling at the end of strings that are being manipulated by a sadistic admissions committee.

I'm tired of hearing that he's accepted "this number of students" this week and the week before and the week before, yet I'm still waiting... and waiting... and waiting....

It's taking a lot of gospel music and busy workdays to attempt to keep the nagging "where the hell will I be in 2 mos" thoughts at bay...

And it's worse when every other day a co-worker loudly asks, "So, where are you going to law school?" Yeah... loud enough for the whole office to pretend as though they're not waiting to hear my response...

I'm tired of explaining that my money is in one place, and while it's a great school, my heart is at another...

I'm tired of this admission cycle not yet being over.

I'm tired of being obsessed with this one aspect of my life. I'm halfway missing the days when I used to obsess over dudes. At least I had some form of control in that situation; unlike this one...

Where I'm being kept waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

I'm gonna read the book of Job before I go to bed.

(Not So) New Developments

So, I developed the camera.

ONLY the camera. The roll of film (which, because I believe it was older, would have probably contained more interesting pictures) must have been accidentally exposed, because it was blank.

And, now that I've developed the camera, I kind of wish I hadn't developed the camera.

These pictures were taken my first year of college. I recognized a few of the poses and outfits from one of the big African American weekends at the Alma Mater. There's also pics of a fashion show and a close-up of someone I no longer consider a friend who was modeling in that fashion show.

There's a pic of a boy I was messing with for about two to three weeks. I really have no idea why... Sheer boredom and the fact that he lived in my dorm building. He's not ugly, but he's SO not anyone that I would ever take seriously now. (And probably not then, either, considering he didn't make it past the one month mark, and I didn't have sex with him.)

There's a close-up pic of a girl I don't really like, but remain cordial with because we have mutual friends, so when I hang out with that particular group, she tends to be there. She was always around Freshman year because she lived down the hall, and I actually liked her then, because I didn't find out how phoney she was to me and how she was telling my business until the summer AFTER Freshman year.

There's a pic of me at a basketball game with a girl that I'd never be friends with in real life. Like never. Her voice annoys the HECK out of me... I often wonder how she became immune to it? I'd just go through life in silence for fear of offending someone. We actually hung out a little bit Freshman year. Not for real for real, but way more than I would have ever considered after that. I think it's because she kind of migrated toward hanging out with a group of girls I consider extremely phoney because they were always talking about each other and sleeping with eachother's f-buddies behind their backs.

There's a pic at the baby shower of a girl I no longer want to call a friend, for various reasons. (I'll address that in another post.) She's posed with her baby daddy.

There's also a pic of me with a friend from high school. We were really close. I thought we'd be friends forever. Then he realized he was gay (the rest of us already knew) and he disappeared to pursue that lifestyle. I guess he was ashamed, and I understand that this was an uncomfy experience for him, but I wish he hadn't just disappeared like he did.

As I was walking down the sidewalk and flipping through the pics, I came across one pic that stopped my heart. The pictures on this camera seem to have been taken from approximately February to April of 2005. What's the significance of these dates? This was right at the onslaught of my "relationship" with Dude. There was a close-up picture of dude in my Freshman year dorm room.

I hadn't seen his face in quite some time. I haven't been thinking about the pain he caused me lately... Or at least I haven't had lingering thoughts about it. Occasional thoughts flicker in my mind daily, but not really anything significant anymore.

IDK why seeing his picture had this effect on me, but I felt naughty. Like I was being intrusive. I instantly covered the picture as though someone would punish me for looking at the picture of him. I couldn't look the picture in its eyes. As soon as I realized it was him, I flipped right past and prayed that nobody from the Alma Mater would happen to walk by, see me looking at the picture of Dude (someone I haven't had a conversation with in years), and think I was some crazed love-struck psycho for still owning a picture of him. It's amazing that the shame from that publicly humiliating situation still lingers. I wonder when it'll go away?

It wasn't until just now, when I came home from work and turned on my computer to write this post, that I was able to really LOOK at the picture. It scared me. It's still a little scary. Before when I saw pictures of him (probably several months ago, when I heard he was released from jail and went on facebook to be nosey, and who knows when before that) I felt a strong contempt and a huge sense of disgust. I really could not understand why he was so attractive to me then. But this picture... IDK if I somehow caputred the way I felt about him in the pose, or if the way he felt about me at that time is reflected in the picture, but I don't feel disgust. I feel................

I'm not sure what I feel. But right now looking at this picture, I don't think he's ugly, which is the first thing I've thought when I saw pics of him recently. He has changed through the years. So now, when I look at recent pics, I kind of understand why I might think that he's less than attractive. His head became huge over time, and he gained weight. So I guess it looks kind of... off, in recent pics. But this picture... I don't get that from this picture. I don't feel sick to my stomach, or disgusted, or hateful, or full of rage. So I'm trying to figure out why?

And now I'm thinking... Maybe it's because, in recent pics, he's not MY Dude. He's HER dude. And I HATED Her dude, because once he became Her Dude, he could never be my Dude again. Once he became her Dude, he became the Dude who chose her over me, wasted my time, humiliated me, and didn't even seem to care about the pain he caused me. Maybe that's why his image is so repulsive to me in the present-tense.

So this four-year-old picture doesn't have a repugnant effect on me. Maybe it's because in that pic he was my Dude. It was the budding stages of our "relationship". Before I fell too hard. Before he had ever hurt me. When he still treated me like a queen and his eyes lit up when we entered eachother's presence. I guess those are good memories. I guess. Not since we were on good terms, had I ever, EVER before this moment allowed myself to remember good memories about Dude. But today I did. And it's not so bad.

I guess maybe that's part of the healing process. I've begun praying for him. Praying that he does well in life, and that God blesses Dude and helps him to become the man He wants Dude to be. And praying that God helps me with forgiving Dude and Her completely.

I thought about mailing him this picutre, that's unnecessary. What would that prove, besides making me look like a psycho? I'm sure he could piece together the background scenery and realize that it was my dorm. And I know my Freshman year roomate has no reason to know his mailing addres...

IDK, anymore if it was such a great idea to develop that film. It was an... interesting experience.

One good thing came out of it, though. I've been feeling pretty chubby lately. Freshman year, I was FAT. I was so fat that in these pics of me, my D-Cups (which were DD's back then... I have one sole, lonely DD bra to remind me of how big I was) actually look SMALL in these pics. It's cuz my waist, hips, and butt were so big, the breasts were actually eclipsed in comparison. So as long as I don't get that big again, I'm STRAIGHT! :-)

I've been back in the gym regularly lately anyway. I'll be sexy by the time school starts for me again.

Old Film

I have two cameras that have to be at least 5 years old. Well, one's a roll of film, and one's a disposable camera. I'm REALLY excited to see what's on them. I'm taking them to get developed tomorrow. Maybe not a blogworthy post, but I just got super excited and decided to write about it.

:-)

I'm Over People

People are really getting on my nerves these days. I just want some time alone. And I'm going to take it. Maybe at some point this weekend I'll have the time to explain the specific things that people are doing that are making me want to keep to myself. Right now, I'm getting in the bed.

Whoo hoo! Only an hour and a half til it's FRIDAY!

I Feel LIke I'm Watching Paint Dry

This wait list thing is not a good look. I'm grateful that I'm not one of the 100 who were booted from the list with no hopes of being admitted to the Fall 2009 entering class of the College of Law at the Alma Mater.

So at least there's still hope for me.

I'm obsessing. It's all I can think about. I'm believing that I'll be admitted from this list before June.

I'm absorbing myself in more fantasy fiction to get my mind off of it, but it still creeps up, especially since every week at least one person at work asks me where I'll be attending law school.

*sigh*

Grrrrr

I can't f-ing stop thinking about him... and it's driving me batty.

When I try to NOT, it seems like I think more...

*sigh*

An Admission

I guess I am really a *cough* romantic *cough* at heart.

As much as I try to hide beneath (what I hope comes off as) a cautious, but not bitter shell, I know that deep down inside I really am a romantic.

The two associates and the paralegal at my job are in their late twenties or early thirties and I've listened from my desk while they gushed about the plot of the Twilight series. Friday, one of the associates gave me the first Twilight book to read. I'm almost halfway through it, and I'm thinking about canceling my Saturday night plans to finish it!

This Edward character is so charming. The relationship he has with Bella is full of the witty banter that was present between me and The Artist (the FIRST time around, and the beginning of the third.) I'm seriously wondering if this character was modeled after him... If the Artist were, in fact, a vampire it might explain a few things...

Anyway, the type of relationship they have, I miss that. I want someone to sweep me off of my feet. I want to get all giddy and excited by the thought of seeing someone. (Someone who actually follows through with the plans we make.) I am enjoying being single for a few reasons, but I still would like to have someone to like, and to spend time with, and to get to know.... Where is MY Edward?

IDK... But I'm going back to reading this book...

Random Thought

I'm fighting the urge to take a steak knife to one-half of the tires of a certain Mercedes truck... Really fighting...

But I'm too classy and I've got too great of a future to do something so dumb. Plus, I believe that you reap what you sow and I don't want to block my blessings by taking the vengeful way out.

Doesn't mean I still don't want to...

Going to repent now...

I'm Full of It

I was in a really bad mood for like an hour today. I was feeling moody about relationships, etc. (I think that's the result of about four months of concentrated horniness).

It pisses me off that people can just move the phuck on. Why can't I? I wish I could just resolve to be done with a dude, and leave it at that. Idk, but after wallowing in my bitterness for about an hour, I realized that I was pissed about being stood up by The Artist, so I decided to write an email to tell him about himself:

Hey [The Artist]

I saw that you contacted me the other day via gchat. I didn't feel like addressing you at that particular time because I felt really disrespected by the fact that we made tentative plans to see each other weeks in advance but when the projected date came and I called to confirm, you completely sent me off by not returning my phone call in a timely manner. Sending me a chat about something completely unrelated almost two weeks later with no apology or reference to the fact that you didn't return my call is just insulting.

I understand that you have other obligations, but it is very impolite to completely ignore the fact that I reached out to you. Even if you had replied via text or an email stating that your plans had changed, it would have been better than saying nothing at all.

Were this the first time this happened with you, I would not be addressing the issue. I understand that we are not together, nor am I under the impression that we are even working toward such a goal, but returning someone's efforts to communicate with you, regardless of how you feel about them, is common courtesy. It has been my desire to continue and possibly strengthen our friendship, but your actions have given me the impression that you do not want the same.

I'd be doing myself a disservice if I did not let you know that it's unacceptable to pop up by contacting me out of the blue and then disappear just as suddenly. It sends mixed signals and I'm left wondering how to proceed, not to mention, it's a huge waste of my time. So unless you tell me otherwise, I'm not reaching out to you anymore. If you feel that you can't correct this pattern that has unfortunately developed in the way you communicate with me, then I'd appreciate if you stopped contacting me altogether.

Take Care.

I sent this today at work around 2pm. I just went back to my email (it's about 8:15p) to copy and paste the letter for this post, and as I scrolled to the bottom, I saw that he had just responded. Guess what his response was?

"Ok."

Seriously? "Ok."? He didn't even bother to spell out the whole word! That just proves my point. The very reason I didn't want to email him in the first place. That response reeked of the very same unaffected, IDGAF attitude that he has been displaying for the past several months.

At first I was like... Okay... what? Does that mean, okay, I'll stop contacting you. Could it possibly mean okay, I get it; I f-ed up, I'll try to be considerate as we continue interacting with eachother in the future. Or did it mean Okay, this bitch is crazy and I'm gonna send this simple ass response because at least I'll be responding to her crazy ass and not blowing her off like I've intentionally been doing.

I instantly started to regret sending the email. Now, I'm glad I sent it. That response shows that he really must not give a phuck, and that I've wasted a huge amount of time on this fool. At least I know he received it. The way I'm going to take that ambiguous "ok" is this:

I don't even feel like dealing with this. You said you won't contact me anymore, and I'm very okay with that. I don't care enough to apologize or explain myself or do anything to keep you in my life. Besides, this is much easier than me having to tell you that I'm just not that into you, so it is what it is.



Anyway, it might take me a while to finally get the courage to tell someone to treat me right or phuck off, but once I make that decision, I'm pretty good at sticking to it. Especially if the person has agreed to stop contacting me as I asked. So, now, though I might remember how things USED to be, I'm positive that they won't be the same way ever again. I should finally be able to move on! (Ummmm... yeah.... not as easy as it sounds, especially since I'm still dealing with the occasional hurt and thoughts of someone who publicly humiliated me and ended up in a lasting relationship with my nemesis.... One day I'll learn to get over people!)

My final analysis of the amiguous "ok." is most likely right. What do you think? It'd be interesting to know have a few guys' perspective on this.