Fairytales...

I think I did well on my test yesterday. I'm excited to receive my score report in 3weeks.

I finally watched the Sex and the City movie tonight while my bff fixed my weave. It made me all sad and stuff. Every character had a perfect fairytale ending, except maybe Samantha, and to her, that may have been a perfect fairytale ending for her.

Jenifer Hudson's character was interesting because she talked about how the man she loved had really hurt her, but that wasn't going to make eher give up on love. It made me think about my own "love?" life. I kind of made the same resolution for myself, but it's easy to see how people become bitter. I don't think it's right for people to become bitter when the person who hurt them is reaching out to apologize. I think forgiveness is key. But the two parties need to be willing to forgive eachother. In the movie, Miranda's husband cheated on her, but I don't think it's fair for her to have been witholding sex from him simply because she was too absorbed in her own life. I don't justify his cheating, but I feel she should have examined herself before she became so angry with him. The good thing is that at the end of the movie, they forgave eachother and reunited the family. IDK how common that is in real life... Especially if it had been Miranda cheating. I think men have such fragile egos, that many things they do to women are "unforgiveable" when they would expect forgiveness from women if the tables were turned.

In church today, we moved into our new building. The message was about how God will move us into an uncomfortable place while he prepares the place that he has for us. Pastor mentioned that God will isolate us and cause relationships to break down so that he can have us to Himself. I have heard this many times before from different sources, and I also notice that when I'm hurt by some fool in this world, I do tend to run to God. So now I'm working on my relationship with God even though I'm not really at a loss for friends right now. I do cherish the friends that I have though. I can pretty much tell the ones that will be around for the rest of my life... It's all about RESPECT. The movie made me think of where my closest friends and I will be when we are in our 40s...

I'm pretty happy. There are a couple of areas that could use some improvement, but... I just may not be ready for some of the things I desire right now. "How is God supposed to take me where he wants me to be, if I'm busy looking back at where I've already been?" I believe God has so much in store for me; I just need to be patient and stop missing things from my past. In some aspects of my life, I'm in my uncomfortable place, but I believe that will just make my blessing even more wonderful when I finally receive it.

I need to work on my anger. I get mad and I yell and cuss. I'm learning to keep my cool. My Pastor says we should learn to worship when we are upset, instead of just when we're happy... I'm getting there.

The movie made me want to talk to a guy and figure out what they think and why they do the things they do, but I don't really think they think. I think they're selfish and the only thoughts they have concern how they can make themselves most happy. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood right now, but some changes need to be made. I'm not going to be nice and thoughtful. I think it's hight time I go back to being selfish. Selfish was working for me. Whenever I decided to be all doting and caring, it blew up in my face.

I feel somewhat contradictory. I would like to have guy friends to date and hang out with, but hanging out with guys that I don't like annoys me and then they get all attached and I'm just irritated by their presence. So clearly I would prefer to do these things with someone I like, but I don't want to like anyone because I don't want to get my life treated. I think the best love grows out of friendship, so I'm just working on establishing good friendships with my guy friends for now. By the time I meet the man God wishes to be my husband, I'll have learned how to really be friends with men with no unnecessary extra, and then the pure friendship can turn into something more, I guess.

The court reporter we use most of the time asked me if I had a bf, and when I replied, "no" she said "I don't blame you. Look at your selection. I feel bad for you young women". I feel bad for us too! I feel lonely sometimes because I miss having special guy friends... Then I think of the outcomes of the most recent situations where I actually cared for someone, and I look around at all my friends who are in relationships. (Nobody's happy except my friend who just got married. And her guy is 10 yrs older I think... Which I used to think meant that they were more mature and serious when it came to emotions and relationships, but now I'm learning age means nothing because the closest thing I have to a special guy friend right now is 13 years older than me, and though he says he "just hasn't found a woman he wants to marry yet" I believe it's really that he has NO intention of getting married any time soon because he still LOOKS young, and is VERY attractive.) If relationships are about lying and not trusting eachother, stunting your personal growth, and suppressing your own desires in favor of the other person's to your own detriment, I really don't need one. That's all I see in the relationships of my friends (except the married one). The disrespect is just outright HORRIBLE. I wish I would let someone talk to me crazy or put their hands on me.. I am so drama-free (and have been for quite some time) that I just don't even want that mess in my life.

I think guys get in relationships for 2 reasons. 1. Either they realize that suddenly they're not as attractive as they could be and need to finally embrace someone who actually cares before they miss their chance or 2. They've been hurt and want to exact revenge on the person who hurt them or validate themself by getting into a relationship to prove to themself or others that someone does want them. I think these only come after they have had sex with all the girls who could possibly want them and this practice either becomes too stressful, too tiring, or no longer is "cool" as they see most of their guys enter meaningful relationships.

I think the male ego is very detrimental to what many of what could be great relationships. K. Enough male-bashing... (But I really don't have much hope for them.)


I'm glad I didn't see that movie with my mother like I had originally planned to. There was entirely too much sex in it. It wasn't like the show... I would have hated to watch that with her.